The World I Know

 It has been a long time since I wrote a blog post.  I didn’t think I would put this into the world but I feel a call to and I don’t know if it’s just for my own processing and healing or if it is because it may help someone. But either are good enough reasons for me to do it. 

In September 2025, I called my best friend because I had sent her a Marco Polo a couple of weeks before and she hadn’t responded, which was weird for her.  Her husband answered and made sure I was in a safe place before telling me she had committed suicide that morning.  I relive that day every day, if only for a few seconds before moving on with my day.  

We met when were four years old and were inseparable pretty much ever since (with a brief pause in middle school because middle school is a bitch for all). I’ve told the story of our friendship many times, as it was truly beautiful and rare, but I’m not going to go into all of that right now.  I also, first and foremost, miss Melissa. She was a beautiful person inside and out and left behind a family and my heart breaks in ways I didn’t ever think it could every single day for them. I want to bring her back for them. I want to hug them and give them everything I can in a desperate attempt to take away an ounce of the heaviest weight of pain they feel. That being said, this isn’t a blog post about her and my undying love for her.  I don’t have any problem keeping that in my heart and not sharing that with a soul because it is mine and the only thing that keeps my heart warm at night.  

In an attempt to release and name and process another layer of my grief, this is about how my foundation crumbled when she died and how I’m rebuilding. I genuinely hope this helps someone going through this kind of grief that just has you by the throat. 

For context, back in 2010 I was living with my best friend and I was really struggling. I didn’t feel like I had an identity and I kept self sabotaging my relationships, obsessing about people who didn’t give me a second thought, resenting the fact that I never left town like I wanted to when I graduated high school.  In a very desperate Hail Mary move, I decided to move away by myself. My best friend had moved from our home town to come and live by me and I was ditching her.  But my body and mind wouldn’t let me stay. I had to do this. For years after that, I felt bad for leaving her. But I moved away for five months before returning home and it was so important for me.  While there I learned so many things about myself and opened myself up to so many good things for me.  There was a night that I was really struggling and was determined to go home. I was lonely and scared and wanted to go back to what felt safe. I went to a friends house for a weekly game night and my friend played Blackbird by the Beatles on his guitar and listening to it, I realized I needed to stay. Thank goodness I did.  That song has since meant a lot to me. 

Now, put that in your back pocket because it will make sense later. 

Now, back to our friendship. We were both the youngest in big families. When we were ten, her Mom had her little sister and she was so happy about it. But we always connected in that we had big families and sometimes felt lost in the mix. She came to a lot of family events with me because my wonderful mother wanted me to have someone to play with and I loved it. As a young kid, I turned to my friend when my family didn’t understand me or I got into a fight with one of my sisters. She was my safe sister. As I got older, this continued to the point where I would run from connecting with my family because of stories I had in my head of things that happened years ago that weren’t fair. But she was my safe person. Not only was she my safe family member, she was my safe friend. 

As an introvert who craves deep quality friendships over many surface level friendships, I wouldn’t let myself get to a deeper level of friendship with any friends because I just didn’t feel the need to. I had one friend that slept over at my house, sat with me and rehearsed comebacks for our bullies, knew all of my deepest fears and insecurities, made me laugh like no one else ever has, held me while I had an anxiety attack after getting my heart broken, knew all of my family and the lore, went on road trips with, what else is there?  Who needs more than that? 

Well after she died, I felt like a lost dog. She as my friends, she was my family. My person didn’t exist anymore. That took a bit to come to terms with.  The day she died I went over to my parents house and was completely enveloped in love.  But something was different now. I knew that they always offered love and I knew that a lot of times I received it, but I didn’t realize how much I hadn’t.  I put so much of my love and loyalty and deep trust in her, because of our history and my love for her.  But here I was, alone and I could either shrivel up and eventually join her or I could accept this love that was being so lovingly offered to me. 

Since that day in September, my family has held me, listened to me repeat myself over and over, share endless memories and sat with me in my grief. My parents let me use their car to drive 8 hours for her funeral and back. My sister came with me and drove the whole way.  The whole 48 hours we were in town, she let me do whatever I needed to do. She didn’t talk about herself, she didn’t make any requests, she just went with me on this horrible trip and held my hand as I showed up and did all of these things I never wanted to do and it killed me to do. I didn’t want to be alone when I got home so my sister came over and sat with me while I worked.  My family has held me in the mess that has been the aftermath of her death and the pain that came with that.  My family has truly held this grief with me and made me feel so seen and loved and I will never forget it. 

The other day I had a reading with a medium. She brought so many pieces of evidence of my friend and it was incredible. One of the things she brought up was a song. She said it was Blackbird by the Beatles. There’s no way she could’ve known that. This was a last minute practice reading and she is a complete stranger. She said my friend wants to focus on the part “Take these broken wings and learn to fly.” She described in general our relationship and the effect she had on my life and that I need to be someone else’s Melissa now. I cried like a baby and remembered how much that song means to me. I also have a statue of a black bird on my dresser that I bought a couple of years ago.  

Now, here’s the message. I have an ever present story in my head that it was her and I against the world and now that’s gone, I’m lost, I’m incomplete. If I sit in this story, it feels real, and poetic and tragic and almost loyal. But it’s wrong. It’s a lie. I think that story will always be there, but I’ve been practicing the art of letting it be there and not going over to it. My mind has plenty of other stories to be in.  I know we all have stories and some are very compelling to read over and over, but they just keep you there.  

I was listening to Colby Ryan, Lori Vallow’s only living child after his family was murdered.  He has a YouTube channel and in one of his recent videos he said he felt like he was living in a graveyard. His strength and wisdom after multiple losses has always inspired me so much, even before I lost someone.  But that’s what I felt like. I felt like I was sitting at the cemetery and kept going back over and over and reliving it. That’s a normal part of grief. It pinged my heart every time someone close to her said something like “I’m moving on”, “we have to keep going”. It made me feel shame for sitting in my grief. But it’s true. At point you have to decide if you’re going to shrivel up and give up or stand up and rejoin the living. The stories in our heads tell us that we have to stay there, to honor them, to pick the scab to show that it’s still hurting.   But those stories aren’t true. The stories that pull us farther away from the people who love us and make us feel like the blackest of sheep, the weirdest of weird, the lone wolf, those are lies. And they’ll probably always be there. But if you learn to look them and see them and then turn the other way (metaphorically), they get smaller, and softer, and you begin to see them for what they really are: Fear. 

"I am"... I said: An Apology

This year has been the hardest year for probably most people...and it's only July.  It all started with Covid19 running ramped and causing a lot of fear and worse, death.  As someone who always likes to be prepared for an emergency, I always thought that if something like this actually happened that I would hunker down and do what I need to do to help others and keep me and my family safe.   I thought I would be careful and wise.  But, that was not my reaction to Covid19.  I was angry.  I was confused.  I was so sure that everyone's reactions were irrational, including the president of our country.  I worried for our economy, the ma and pa businesses, everyone's sanity.  I thought I WAS protecting my family, I thought I WAS being wise.  I thought I WAS being careful.  I thought that our rights were being taken away.  I thought the numbers were not correct.  I believed all of the skeptics who said that masks were the beginning of bigger rights being taken away.

I was very set in this mindset and I have been thinking lately about how I have been feeling the past few months and realized I've been miserable.  I've been more angry and frustrated than I ever have been.  I have felt like I'm on the outside and didn't understand what was going on.  I had distanced myself from others because I felt like I had the answer and didn't even want to hear it.  I didn't want to hear the words "Mask" or "Social Distance".  They just made me angry.  But, if I had the right mindset, the right answer, wouldn't I feel better?  Wouldn't I be exuding happiness and hope?  I definitely wasn't.  So, I did some more self-evaluation.

I was listening to music and heard one of my favorite Neil Diamond songs:  I am... I said.   A part of it goes:

"I am"... I said
To no one there
And no one heard at all
Not even the chair

"I am"... I cried
"I am"... said I
And I am lost and I can't
Even say why
Leavin' me lonely still

Those words struck me.  Hard.  I felt 2 inches tall.  I was screaming and shouting that I wanted my life back.  I was throwing my hands up in the air in frustration because I was so scared.  But what I didn't realize (in it's fullness) is that EVERYONE is terrified.  They just show it in different ways.  My fear was that the world would never get back to where it was.  So my way of coping was just to find reasons to get it back to normal as quickly as possible.  I didn't want to be a part of the "community". I didn't want to "Get through this together".   But that is what we do!  We are humans.  Being on this earth together MAKES us a community and I am a part of that because I am alive.  Community has always been a little, I'm not sure, scary to me.  Or maybe, overwhelming.  But I see now that I acted like a child. I wanted to be taken care of.  On a subconscious level, I obviously thought the world owed me something.  That I didn't have to do my part in order to reap the benefits of the community.  Now, consciously, I didn't think of it that way.  But I can see that I was being very selfish.  It's time to be the adult, the protector, the teacher, the leader.  I am not a child anymore.

So, what, then?  I realized my shortcomings and mistakes...now what?  Well, first, I have to acknowledge that I made a mistake, and apologize for it.  To the world, to humanity, to whoever is bored enough to read this, and to my real self that knows better, I'm sorry.  I am so sorry that I slept while the world worked and feared and suffered.  But, I'm waking up...and getting ready for work.

The last thing that I want to say, is that whether or not masks help, whether or not Covid is 100% of what they say it is, it doesn't really matter.  I've had a very, very hard lesson I've had to learn.  An ugly truth about myself that I was forced to face in this crisis.  In the past, I have gone down the path of dismissing, ignoring, or objecting to an issue that effect others because they don't make sense to me.  Then what happens is that someone I know, or myself experience said issue and only then do I start to understand and be compassionate.  I have done a lot of self-reflection lately and thought about the person I want to be, and that my children would look up to.  I don't want to only care about something when it effects me.  I want to care about people because they're people.  I want to care about issues people are facing because it's the right thing to do.  I want to leave the world better instead of just existing.

Neil Diamond says it very well:  I am lost and I can't even say why.   Leaving me lonely still.  I honestly don't know why I have tended to shy away from community and inclusiveness.  But I've come to an impasse with myself and something's got to give.  At some point you have to ask yourself if you're lonely, why that is.  Distancing yourself is a slippery slope and it leads to a very lonely life.  I'm not going to see what that's like.  I'm turning around and heading for shore.  So, world, I'm here, I'm back, I want to be in the community and I promise to never this lesson I've learned.  I am so grateful that I was given the opportunity to change and that's not too late.  Bob Cratchit, you're getting a raise!

Thanks for reading.

Emily

Why I Will Never Cut Anyone Out Of My Life

One thing that I've seen and heard a lot lately is people "cutting out" people from their lives.  Far be it for me to assume what has happened for someone to get to that point, goodness knows people have done things to me that make me want to never talk to them again.  But I think that "cutting people out of your life" is a millennial thing.  Now, I'm a millennial so I know I'm included in that.  But here's my theory:  A lot of millennials don't know how to create boundaries.  I'm guilty of this as well.  The 90s was the last time period of keeping your personal life personal.  Now that there is Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram, Youtube, people share so much about their lives (I do too).  The level of privateness is so much lower than it was when there weren't cell phones and internet.  The other part of it is that the internet and phones and having everything at our fingertips is overwhelming.  We get so much information poured on us all day long and it overloads our brains.  So any human contact that is unpleasant is just too much to handle.  Because we've already got so many things going on in our minds.  We've gotten so used to sharing everything and communicating through text and other super simple ways that I think people let other people into their sacred spaces in their mind and don't have a line in the sand to keep them at bay.  So people will stay there and make themselves at home and start to act like they own the place and soon you're a sidekick in your own life.  This is the problem.  Once you're at the point where someone's come way too far into your personal life and you don't know how to get them out, it's easier to just throw your hands up and kick them out and lock the door.  This doesn't seem like the healthiest approach.  What would've been better for your sanity and your relationship is to have a real discussion when someone is encroaching on your personal space and approaching your line in the sand and kindly let them know that they need to stop.  Imagine how many friendships and family relationships that could be saved if people could just talk about an issue when it happens and set clear boundaries about where people belong in your life.

So, the reason I said I will never cut someone out of my life is because the people who are IN my life  (meaning we are family or we are friends who speak on a semi-regular basis) are important to me.  I pick the people in my life and once I know you and your heart and have decided that I want you in my life, I don't give up on you.  I see quotes and memes all the time about letting go of negative people in your life.  While I understand the sentiment of surrounding yourself with positivity, I don't like these quotes.  I don't like the message that it sends that if your friend is going through a hard time and they're view on the world is a little skewed for the time being, to just throw in the towel and just ignore them until they can be happy again.  If you're my friend, I accept the good and the bad, the happy and the sad times.  People who are my friends, I talk to them when I see there's something going on in their lives that's hard for them and try to spread positivity myself.  How spoiled is our generation that we pick and choose when we want to have friends and when we want to just ditch everyone because they're acting negative or they don't approve of our lifestyle.  I would never tell a friend I don't believe in their lifestyle because I don't do that and having the same lifestyle isn't very important to me in a friendship so that doesn't matter to me.  But if one of my friends raised concern about how I'm living, I would appreciate that they cared enough to mention it to me and, keeping my boundaries firm, thank them for their love and concern.

So just know that if you are my friend or if you are related to me, just know that I will never cut you out of my life.  Even if we don't talk very much, just know that I think about you, care about you, wish the best for you, and will do anything I can to help you during a hard time.  If you're a little negative and don't have many nice things to say, I will do my part and be strong enough mentally and emotionally to listen and to love without letting your problems effect MY positivity and my attitude.    I will not blame you if your problems give me stress because it is my responsibility to be the master of self and even though that is a hard skill to learn and takes practice, true friends and family are worth that.  When it comes to family, in my opinion, family will be with you forever, so for me, I will always give my family chance after chance because they're my tribe and that's what you do...in my opinion.  And trust me, I've been given chances and I've given a lot of chances to family members.  That is an unpopular opinion, some think that family members have to earn a place in your world, but that's not how I see it, if you are related to me through blood or marriage, you are in my heart and you are my tribe.  If there are people in your life who are toxic, manipulative, etc, don't cut them out, BUILD STRONGER BOUNDARIES.  Build a mote with lava and a gate and a dragon protecting the castle so that people cannot shake you or break you, but if people are important enough to you, you will keep them in your lives and simply draw a clear line in the sand and tell them that they cannot cross it.  That is still taking care of yourself and your sanity, but still allowing people you've cared about to be apart of your life.  There are sides to some people I know that I don't like, and for that reason, I have boundaries.  But because of the side I DO like, their friendship is worth it to me.  I say "simply" but it's not easy.  I'm still working on it and I think it's a process but aren't our people worth it?  If they aren't, why were they in your life to begin with?

Let's get back to when relationships meant more to us than our emotions and our anxieties.  Let's get back to fighting for our friendships and relationships instead of just giving up.  The people in your life should be worth it.  I mean, they were there for a reason.

A Scary Night

It took me a little while to get to the point where I wanted to talk about this, because it really scared me.  Not like a "The spirit floated past me" typed scared, so if that's what you were hoping for, sorry! No, I was terrified because I was completely out of control of my body.

I was at my mom's house and everything was normal. I did feel a little cold as the day went on though, even when the house was pretty warm.  I drove home not feeling super great and thinking I may be getting a fever.  I got home and still everything was normal.   Alice was playing, I was hanging out with baby and I even called Adam when he got off work and talked to him for quite a while as he drove home from work.  I told him I think I have a fever but I could still get up and do things.   Slowly as the night went on, I felt more and more like crap.  I had the chills so I put on warm clothes, got under the comforter, and put the heater by me.  At first my fever was like 101.5 but slowly I started to get brain fog and I would zone out.  It was weird.  I asked Adam if that was normal and he said he thought it was because a fever will make you do that.  A little while later, as I was talking to Adam about something, my speech started to slur and the words I was saying weren't coming out as fast as I wanted them to.  I got a little nervous.  It got worse and worse quickly and within a few minutes I was only getting one word out for my sentences.  My mind was calm and I was trying to say things that made sense, but all that came out was either gibberish or one word here and there.  I also could barely feel my body.  I could move my toes a little bit and my neck and head but that was it.  Adam sat me up and I was completely limp.  I thought to myself come on!  What is wrong with you, just move!  But my body wasn't listening to me.  

I finally asked Adam to call my dad or his dad to give me a blessing (which sounded like "Call", "Dad" "Bless, Blessing".  He called my dad and my dad headed over.  He called his mom to find his dad since they're closer to us and his mom said that I was overheated and to put wet rags on me.  Adam did that and as he did, my mouth just came to life with a mind of it's own.  I was making clicking sounds, I was saying "Goo, gah, wah", etc.  I sounded like a little baby.  My mind was thinking stop that, that's so embarrassing, what are you doing?  Just say what you're trying to say or shut your mouth!  But again, my body wouldn't listen.  Even when I wasn't trying to say anything, my mouth would make sounds, I couldn't shut up!  At that point Adam called an ambulance and they said they'd come.  I got out the words "Don't" "Come", because 1, I was scared, and if they came then it would be serious and I wasn't prepared for that.  2.  I knew it would be so so expensive so I didn't want to unless it was absolutely necessary.  and 3.  I had started feeling a tiny bit better since Adam put the cold rags on me so I was pretty sure that that's what it was at that point.  The EMT said they would come out for free just to check.  They came and did some tests.  By the time they got there I was sitting up on my own and I could say a whole sentence if I really tried.  I was still talking slow and had to think about my social security number and my birthday for a second when they asked.  They weren't sure what happened but they eluded to the fever being the culprit.  

My dad came shortly after they left and I was almost back to normal, with a few clicking sounds here and there.  My dad gave me a blessing and it made me feel so much better and calm about the whole thing.   The next few days were hard on my mind.  I had so many questions.  What had happened?  Why did my body fight against me like that?  Can people's bodies just do whatever they want when you're sick sometimes and there's nothing you can do about it?  I hated the idea of not having the answers.  I hated the idea of not being in control of myself in any way.  

I did some research and, of course, the internet told me I was dying.  Tumor, aneurism, stroke, oh my.  DON'T LOOK UP SYMPTOMS ON THE INTERNET.  Rookie mistake.  I then found a website where a guy was talking about high anxiety when you have a fever and basically mentioned everything that happened to me.  Apparently when you have a fever, you can have a panic attack and that is the result.  I still didn't like that.  I've had anxiety attacks where I have cried and had a hard time catching my breath but nothing like that.  Not even close.  I didn't like the idea that what happened was me panicking.  But then I remembered that people who have panic attacks can't control them either.   

The whole experience was really scary, but also really humbling.  As it was happening, I honestly thought I was having a stroke and that I might die.  There was a point when I wanted Alice to come over because I wasn't sure what would happen.  I wondered if this is what people with disabilities feel like, trapped in their body and their mind is completely active, thinking, processing, but their body is fighting against them.  That must be so frustrating and lonely.  Wanting to reach out, to say I love you, but you can't.  It just made me feel like every problem in my life wasn't that big of a deal.  I can hold my babies and tell them I love them.  I can walk and dance.  It definitely made me feel grateful for my life and made me feel more empathic for people who have to live with that for more than one night.  

Why I will always stand for the National Anthem

So, over the past couple of years I've heard this and that about members of the NFL "taking a knee" during the National Anthem before games.  I looked into it to understand why they were doing this.  It seems there are a few different reasons but the original reason was to protest police brutality.  While I absolutely admire people for taking a stand, especially when you have so much to lose and everyone's eyes are on you, because that would be incredibly hard to do, I don't agree with their decision.  This is a very controversial topic and there are many people who disagree with it, but here is why I personally disagree.

To me, saying the pledge of allegiance and putting my hand over my heart for the National Anthem are reminders of what this country was founded on and what this country is *supposed* to be about.  Notice I said *supposed* to be, because it's not always that.  The National Anthem is about our nation's history and the sacrifices made for the people in this country and for the freedom that our ancestors dreamed of back then.  The end of the anthem says "Over the land of the free and the home of the brave".  In my opinion, the reason they are kneeling is the reason they should be proudly holding their hand over their heart.  This country is supposed to be about freedom and the pursuit of happiness for everyone.  The government is supposed to be working FOR the people, law enforcement is supposed to be protecting people and serving justice appropriately.  Is this the way it is now?  Unfortunately, no.  But that is what the country is supposed to be about.  That is what our ancestors dreamed about when they came to this country and fought in some of the bloodiest battles.  The country they fought for, they dreamed about, and they created was not the country that we have today.  But that's what the anthem is about.  The anthem is about the true spirit and meaning of this country.  That is what we stand for, that's what we show respect for.

Do I agree with Trump's decisions?  Usually no.  Do I like the current set up of our government and that it seems like the people fear the government when it should be the other way around?  No.  There are many things about the current state of our country that I'm not happy about (as I'm sure most people could say), but when I stand for the National Anthem or say the Pledge of Allegiance, I feel hope that our country can get back to its roots (in the areas it should), that we can stand together and that change is not impossible because We The People are the ones that this country was founded on.  We, the minority, we the persecuted, we the unheard, are the ones that this country was founded for.  We are the ones that our ancestors traveled so far for, gave their lives for, sacrificed everything for.  Not for what we currently are, but for what we can be.

I understand why they're doing what they're doing, but I hope they understand that to a lot of us, it doesn't signify you being ashamed of the current state of your country, it signifies that you are ashamed of the vision of this country that the founding fathers had.  The vision of freedom for all and justice for all.  We may not all be persecuted the same way and in such harsh ways, but all of us are unhappy in some way or another with the current state of our country.  That's not why we stand.  We stand for our rights, for our freedoms, and for the unity that comes with standing as a people with a voice.  We are this country.  The police are not this country.  The government is not this country.  We are.

The Other Choice

   

   I've been thinking about something a lot lately.  I've noticed in my own life that when faced with a stressful situation or a hard choice, it's easy to pick the path of least resistance.  In some ways our culture these days is so lazy.  So many of us, myself included, live life and work and do the norm until any sort of change comes our way or stressful situation crosses our path and we metaphorically crawl into the fetal position and can't function.  Honestly, I think a lot of don't know how to handle stress.  Which makes sense, I mean we have everything at our fingertips.  We have come up with so many inventions to keep stress at bay.  If you get a cold, here are 50 drugs you can take that will get rid of it in 2 seconds.  If you're broke, here's 50 really easy ways to make money.   There's always an escape route.  But what are we escaping, really?  And is escaping really a good thing?   Think about it this way, if you get an easy out from every hard situation you find yourself in, are you growing as a person?  Are you learning?  Of course you're not.  You may remember ALMOST being broke for a day or so, but after that you'll just continue down your path and hope it doesn't happen again.  But if you actually get to that point and have to worry about what you're going to eat, where you're going to sleep, you'll remember that for sure. 

        So, am I saying that instead of avoiding going broke you should just let it happen so that you'll learn from it?  No.  What I'm saying is that of the three options you have at that point, the worst one you could make is taking a get out of jail free card.  Because it will teach you nothing.  So what are the other two options?  Well, the first is that you can go broke, lose your stuff, become homeless, and everything else that comes with that.  Or, you can stop.  Right there, in your tracks and turn on the part of your brain that often gets overshadowed.  Think of the healthiest, smartest, most logical thing that you could do at that point, and do it.  Weigh the outcomes, take emotion out of it.  Because, at that point, emotion needs a nap.  It's been running on overtime and taking way too much of the spotlight.  There is a time and place for rationality and a time and place for emotion, and emotion gets kicked out the minute that you give it an inch and it takes a mile.  In other words, emotion should be a friend that you ask for advise, but rationality should be your partner, who helps you make the final decision.  If you're friend is overstepping their bounds, kick em out. 

           The funny thing about all of this is that we will go to the ends of the earth to avoid doing the hard work in order to change.  We will fight and point fingers.  We will do anything we have to do to take the easier path.  What's going on in our minds is a mad house.  It's Christmas Eve in New York City.  The reason we pick the easier path isn't because we're just idiots and we don't know any better. It's because our minds are so full of fear and stress and overloaded with scary thoughts and we don't know what to do with it all!  It's like when your kids are pestering you and pestering you to have something and you're so busy doing other things and you're so sick of hearing the same question over and over again that you say yes.   Would you have said yes if you are in a peaceful place and didn't have anything else on your mind?  Probably not.  But we all have a stress limit and at that point, (almost) anything goes.  Some people don't need a lot of pushing to get to that limit.  Some people have developed coping mechanisms to get them further.  So the reason this happens makes sense.  And many people decide that they're okay with where their limit is at and have accepted it as their lot in life.  But for those of us who are looking to progress as a people and individuals, there's another option. 

           Starting habits is easy, being consistent is the hardest part.  The trick to changing your brain is consistency, so we've got to find a workaround.  The key is your motivation.  You have to get to the point in your life where going back to the way you thought about things before is no longer an option and you are committed to changing your way of thinking.  It can't be just an experiment.  It can't be something you do because others will be impressed by you and your efforts.  In fact, I wouldn't even tell people about it, because that adds an extra layer of pressure.  You have got to get to that point by yourself and no one can help you get there.  That's the tricky part.  The other tricky part is that this place I'm talking about, it's a place of complete ownership.  You own every choice you've made, everything you've said, everything you've done right and everything you've done wrong.  It is absolutely impossible to be in that place and be pointing fingers, running away from problems, or lying to yourself about where you're at and how you got there.  It's hard.  For everyone.  But it's necessary for any real change to happen. 

           So, once you're in this place and you're ready to start, start with baby steps.  The common mistake with any goal is taking on too much and then getting overwhelmed or discouraged when things haven't changed overnight.  It is a process.  Just like anything worthwhile in life, it takes time.  Be patient with yourself and keep in mind that you only fail when you decide to stop trying.  So as long as you're making an effort to change each day, you're winning.  Give yourself motivation throughout the process.  Tell yourself good job at the end of the day.  But remember to be honest with yourself about how you're doing.  This is something that will help you grow closer to yourself.  I know that sounds weird, but it's true.  How good does it feel when you do something smart that you know you should've done and you feel all strong and wise?  Feels pretty good.  THAT is the feeling that you want to chase.  Of all of the "feelings" to chase, that is the healthiest and the most worthwhile one.   This you can try whenever.  When you're going through your day, pay attention to the decisions you make that are solely driven from emotion.  I noticed that I make an embarrassing amount of those decisions.  When you're hungry and you decide, I've had a hard time, I deserve some fast food.  Do you?  Probably.  But rationally, most of the time that money would be better spent on something else.  And rationally, if you've had a stressful day, grease and fatty foods aren't going to make it any better.  Pay attention to those times and just quietly decide not to do it.  Don't make a huge deal about it, just decide that it's not worth it.  The pride you'll feel from that will hopefully keep you going until the next time you come to a tricky decision. 

         The point is that when you treat yourself well, take care of things, and actually fix problems (not escape them), it naturally makes us feel good.  Giving into the easier path feels better, granted, but only for a short time.  Then what usually happens is the guilt, avoidance, denial, self hate, etc.  It's a downward spiral everytime and all because you just had to have that shake.  When you go against your better judgement, even if it's deep in your subconscious, you'll feel stress.  It may manifest in obvious ways, or it may be a little more subtle, like a constant headache or a constant stomachache.  If that's the case, pay attention to when those symptoms are the worst?  When you really think about it, you can usually trace it back to a stressful situation.  Whether that stressful situation was you going against your better judgement, not necessarily.  But you'll be able to recognize that this happens mainly when I'm stressed. 

        So, in conclusion, if what I'm saying to you makes sense and applies to you, if you want to change but don't know how and feel trapped, the first step is admitting there is a problem.  The second step is taking complete ownership of all of your mistakes, all of your decisions, and all of your not so healthy habits.  You have to be completely honest with yourself.  Then, start small.  Make little quiet decisions and see how they feel.  Keep a journal of how you feel after you do something that was a good decision, especially if it was hard.  And slowly but surely the things you used to  gravitate to will seem uninteresting.  The way you thought about willpower and hard work will completely change.  And, most importantly, the way that you see yourself and your ability to overcome any obstacle will be so different, and your love for yourself will grow so much.  And that's the point of life, right?  To grow. 

What I Wish I Knew Before Having A Baby

Nursing can be really easy, or it can be really hard|

I knew that nursing can be difficult, but when I looked up Youtube videos on how to get the baby to latch, all of them made it seem super easy.  You just hold them like so and do this with your fingers and viola!  So I didn't worry too much about it and figured it would all just work out.  Well, it did not.  My baby didn't latch and she hated nursing.  I could never get the positions right and I was always putting my hands in the wrong place or not propping her up high enough.  This alone isn't that frustrating, but when it's 2:00 in the morning and your newborn baby is wailing, it's enough to make you break down in tears.  I was not at all prepared for this and wish I would've known that it can be really hard.  I ended up pumping because I could never get it down and baby just hated it.  Granted, the experience can be totally different with each baby.  My little one was not about it from day one so that played a big part.  But if I were a first time mom again, I would practice the positions with a doll, practice the techniques for getting them to latch, and having all of the stuff you might need if they don't (a nipple guard, bottles).   Hopefully it's a breeze, though!

Some people only pump
So, as a continuation from the last point, because my baby didn't latch and didn't like nursing, I ended up solely pumping.  I still wanted her to have the benefits of breast milk so that was what I went with.  I would pump every 2-3 hours and then feed her.  I had a few back ups in case she got hungry in between my pumping sessions.  Once I started doing this, I looked up Youtube videos to see what other people did and what advise they had.  I found out that A LOT of people do this.  Obviously, nursing is the preferred option for the bonding effect, but if that doesn't work, pumping is a great option.  There are tons of people and resources out there for support.  The weird thing is that I got so many weird looks and confused reactions when I said I only pump.  Most people think that you either nurse or you give your baby formula.  But pumping is still getting your baby the holy breastmilk in a different way.  In the hospital and at my follow up lactation appointment, this option was never even mentioned.  They knew how hard it was for me and how hard it was for baby to get any milk at all, and yet they kept pushing to keep trying and if all else fails to give the baby formula.  I found this absolutely baffling!  This is an option and a pretty good one!  So know your options beforehand and have a backup plan.  And know that at the end of the day, it doesn't matter.  As long as your baby is getting fed and gaining weight, then whatever you choose is okay.  Don't let the nurses at the hospital pressure you if breastfeeding is not working out.  ALSO, if you solely pump, get a hands free pumping bra and a double pump because they will save your life.

When pumping, there are different flange sizes 
The flange is the sucking part of the pump and there are different sizes!  I didn't even know this until months into pumping and I randomly saw it in a Youtube video.  You want to select a size that is bigger than your nipple but doesn't cover your whole Areola.  Here is a guide.  This can make the difference between getting tons of milk vs getting very little and massive pain vs no pain.  When you get a pump, it will come with a standard size so you'll need to buy whichever size you need on your own (if the ones it comes with aren't the right fit).  In my case, my local store didn't sell different sizes so I found them on Amazon.




Get a few different kinds of binkies

When I was pregnant, I was told that the best pacifiers were the Avent Soothie ones (or the Gumdrop binkies). This proved to be true later on when my baby was bigger, but she physically couldn't suck on them for probably 3-4 months.  I finally found the MAM newborn binkies and she loved those.  Later on she preferred the other ones, but I wish I would've had the MAM ones from the get go because she doesn't like binkies very much because we just didn't use them the first few months because they were too big.  So research your binkies and get a few different brands, just in case!

Get the same brand and style of bottles
As new parents, we had some Phillips Avent bottles, a couple of specialty bottles from another company that helped to prevent colic, and a couple of random ones we got when we forgot bottles and had to pick up a couple from the store.   This can get annoying when you're scrambling for bottles when baby is upset and one lid doesn't fit one bottle and so on.  We ended up deciding to just keep the Phillips Avent bottles because they were the simplest, cheapest, and worked really well.  

Newborn clothes are different sizes!

When I was preparing for baby, I got clothes in the newborn size.  Right, because they're a newborn.  WRONG.   Some newborn outfits are short and wide and some are long and skinny.  It's impossible to predict exactly how your baby will fit into these clothes, but you can get a rough idea if your baby is going to be small or big.  I just didn't even think about it and in my case, my baby was very small, which I knew she was going to be.  Because of my lack of planning, about 3 or 4 of her onesies actually fit her.  I ended up having to go shopping a few days after I had her to stock up on onesies her size.  I kept the other ones just in case and she ended up never fitting into them because they were short and wide and by the time she was wide enough to fit in them, she was too long.  So, even though they say newborn, they're all different sizes!



Research common health issues with newborns 
The reason I italicized 'common' was becuase you don't want to freak yourself out but it's good to know the most common things that people run into.  I didn't know that Eczema in babies was a thing at all until my baby started breaking out in bumps and I didn't know what to do.  It wasn't a huge deal, I did some research, called her doctor, and ran to the store for some supplies but it would've been nice to have some of those supplies already.  With Eczema specifically, you put moisturizing cream and aquafor on their skin to manage the breakouts and I would've liked to have had both of those on hand even before I found out she had Eczema because you can use both of those for other things too.  Sometimes it's good to be prepared!

Get the diapers with the diaper wetness indicator
These diapers are awesome!  We just happened to get Pampers and that's how we found out about this, but I think Snuggies diapers might be the same way.  Regardless, these diapers have a line down the front middle of the diaper that is yellow and when the baby pees, it turns blue.  The more they pee, the more the line will show blue instead of yellow.  This is an easy way to see when it's time to change their diaper, because with a newborn, sometimes it's hard to tell, because they don't pee that much.

Know and understand postpartum depression beforehand.  Even if you don't suffer from it later

So, we all (hopefully) know the basics of postpartum depression that they quickly go over with you at  the hospital.  But at least for me, I didn't understand it fully and didn't know everything it entailed.  When I realized I was dealing with postpartum depression (and a little postpartum OCD), I did my research online, because that's what I do when I want to get in front of something before it railroads me.  I was lucky enough to find exactly what I was looking for online and was able to find some coping tips and tricks as well as how to treat postpartum based on MY symptoms (I say it like that because some of the symptoms they list may not may not apply to you).  I found journal guides for doing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which is basically re-labeling your thoughts and calling them what they are instead of internalizing them and beating yourself up for having them.  Understanding that the thoughts that enter your mind randomly are not your fault and you're not doing it on purpose. They are simply noise and should be looked at as such.  What I wish I knew beforehand was that the thoughts that enter your mind can be pretty scary and can make you feel like you're betraying yourself and your beliefs and everything you know by having them.  It absolutely kills your self esteem and it took me a while to fully trust myself again because I felt like my mind was betraying me.  If I had understood and had been mentally prepared for this in advance when my hormones were not completely out of whack, I don't think I would've dipped as much as I did and had such a hard time getting back to normal.  I also want to go over Postpartum OCD because I had definitely never heard of this before I started feeling some of the symptoms of this.  Postpartum OCD is basically OCD that is taking place due to you having your baby.  You don't have to have previously had OCD to suffer from postpartum OCD.  What the main symptom of this is is having repetitive thoughts come into your mind or have repetitive worries that MAY or MAY NOT develop into compulsive actions.  I want to emphasize this because a couple of counselors I went to said that I 100% didn't have postpartum OCD because I was only having intrusive thoughts I would obsess over (and by obsess I mean they were on a loop and I couldn't stop thinking about them, worrying about them, beating myself up for having them) and I didn't have any physical compulsive actions.  Looking into it further, I found that part of the actual definition of OCD is that obsessing over your thoughts is considered a compulsive action.  Also, telling yourself "No, This is bad, i'm going to think about something else" over and over each time is a compulsive action.  I finally found a counselor that agreed with that and help me treat both.  The other counselors said, "Well, why does it matter if you have that or not?"  The reason is that for someone who is going through something new and scary, for some people it helps to put a name on it, know that it's an actual thing that other people deal with, and find coping techniques for that specific thing.  So, know what to keep an eye out for after having your baby, know that there are many different symptoms so even if you don't meet the criteria you've heard about, look it up! Research the tips people have to avoid dealing with this at all (exercise, sunlight, meditation, a support system, etc), and know that if you have a history with an anxiety disorder, you are more likely to deal with postpartum depression/anxiety in some form.  I didn't know this at all until I was in the thick of it.  Knowledge is power!