One Year

One year ago yesterday, my friend passed away.  I wrote a blog post about it and what an awesome  person he was. Today I want to write about what transpired after he passed away, as it was easily one of the biggest stepping stones in my own development as a human being.  Harrison and I were friends, not the best of friends, but friends none the less. Because of this, I knew I would be sad about him passing but I didn't think I would feel the way I ended up feeling.  At first it was just shock, that someone that I knew, who was living and breathing 24 hours ago is not anymore.  Then it was genuine sadness, for his family, for the world.  Then slowly I went into a dark place that I had never been before.  I felt completely hopeless and disconnected from what was going on around me.  It got to a point where I didn't want to be alone because my mind went places it wasn't used to and I felt like I couldn't stop it.  I felt completely powerless.  Well, a few days into this, I came home from work and Adam wasn't home, he had taken the dogs somewhere and I was alone.  I tried to just power through and do what I needed to do around the house, but this heavy, dark cloud wouldn't leave.  I looked outside and it was a beautiful day and there were people walking outside. I thought, I feel like I'm in a different reality, like I'm not even a part of what is happening and everything seems contradictory.  As a desperate attempt to turn off my mind, I turned on some music.  Not the type of music you sit and ponder life to, dancing music.  I remember closing my eyes and making myself dance around the kitchen.  At first it seem to anything, and then I realized I was crying.  There have been often times where I have felt disconnected, to my feelings, to my emotions, to everyone.  But this was such a cool, personal moment that was just mine, and all of me was present, in that moment, not holding anything back.  

So why am I sharing one of my most personal and intimate moments with you? Well, because I firmly believe that if this happened to me,  it may have happened to you, in some degree or another.  Anxiety, depression, all of those fun backpacks we get to carry around sometimes,  make us think welte alone, that it's hopeless, that we can't let people in, or ourselves in.  I've always known that depression was real, but I never really felt it in my life until this day. I've been sad, but never depressed, like this.  But I could imagine what it would be like and it scared me to think of being in such a dark place.  But it happened, and it may again in my lifetime.  But as long as you push back and force yourself to do the perverbial dance that will bring you back to yourself, you'll be okay.  And  even if you don't think you can do that,  your body does, and your heart does.  

Because I knew Harrison, I fel confident saying that he was there that afternoon, that he's helping people come out of their own darkness and face themselves, then start living again.  I bet he's jamming out to some sweet music and has his friends and family on speed dial to help them. I know he was there that day with me. 

Harrison, we were friends, but I think we became better friends that day.  Thanks.  

Home

So, today I was feeling tired.  Tired of always going over all of the things I've never done or started but not finished in my head over and over again.  There are so many other emotions I was feeling today but that was the dominant one.  When I got home from work, I was thinking about how beautiful it was outside and that I should go on a hike.  To save time, instead of listing them all, I'll just say that my mind came up with every possible excuse not to go and to just hang out and "relax".  I put the quotation marks because usually "relaxing" is me trying to relax, but I end up feeling guilty for not doing something productive so it's actually just stressful.  ANYWAY...I finally just got in my car and went.  I've been on this hike before so I was familiar with the trail but this time was different, I was alone.  I brought my emergency bag with me just in case.  Apart from having a couple of people pass me, I was alone the whole time. The hike was hard and I definitely was not in shape, but the view was beautiful.  I was going to bring my Ipod, but I'm so glad that I didn't.  It was just me and the mountain.

Something interesting that I noticed, was that I had to completely trust myself.  If I started to panic at all, I would lose my focus and often times my grip on the trail.  There were a few parts that were scary and the thought entered my mind a few times that if I slipped and something happened, no one would be around.  But I had to quickly get re-direct my mind because that mindset didn't help me at all.  During the scary areas, I kept saying "We got this", instinctively speaking to my mind and body because I knew that they had to work together to keep me safe.  Sometimes my body wanted to just run in an area because it looked safe, and other times it wanted to keep pushing even though it knew I needed a break.  Sometimes my mind would overwhelm me with negative thoughts about what could happen or how this was not a good idea. They had to balance each other out and give each other pep talks, so to speak.

I think the coolest part about my evening was when I was gone. I got in  my car and was so relieved.  The fatigue was definitely part of it, but a large part of my relief came from knowing that I was headed back into Logan and I would be around people.  I missed having someone there to talk to and share stories with. I think I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it, and that I could depend on myself. And I did! And it was great! But I realized when I got in my car and no one was around that just because you CAN do it alone, doesn't mean you should.  I think it's easy to romanticize living the life of a gypsy (as I call it).  The life of popping in and out and disappearing whenever you want, not having roots and not letting anyone really get to know you.  For some, that sounds crazy, but for me and some others, it really sounds great sometimes.  Now I'm getting into what my blog post the other day was about, so you can read that for more about this subject.  But anyway, it's easy to romanticize being alone, but when you're really REALLY alone, it's nothing like what you thought it would be like.  It may sound like I'm being dramatic because people are alone all the time, but are we?  When I'm at home, I'm with Adam or the dogs and I'm on FB or Netflix. When I'm at work or anywhere in public, I'm obviously not alone.  There have only been a couple times in my life when I have felt completely alone, both very powerful experiences for me.  I don't know if that's unusual or not, but in this day and age, I doubt it.

When I drove out of the canyon, the sun was setting and I saw USU and the Island, Smith's Marketplace, and people walking around town.  I was struck with a really powerful feeling that I almost don't want to share because it was so personal, but I will.  I was struck with the feeling that I was home.  Home has always been an hard word for me because I moved to Utah when I was 13 and have never felt like Utah was home.  At the same time, every time I go back to Oregon, I feel out of place.  Like this wasn't my home anymore.  I know "Home" doesn't seem like a big deal it doesn't really matter, but I honestly believe it's at the core of all of our conceptions about what home is and determines when and how each of us puts down roots.  I think that the reason it seems weird is because most people feel that feeling subconsciously.  Well, I was struck with that feeling tonight that Logan was home and I started crying, it was so strong.  To be even sappier, I think the kid in me is finally coming home and feeling comfortable somewhere.  I just typed the word comfortable without cringing.  Things are definitely shifting.

Musings

A few things I've been thinking about lately, and in the style that my brain processes them..

Fear:  I often hear people say that the biggest thing people fear is failure. The "Better to have loved and lost..." is the go-to quote for the failure pep talk.  But I think there are so many other reasons that people fear doing, knowing, and becoming.  There are so many things I want to do and become in my life, and I know that they will make me happier, but I'm scared out of my mind to do them.  Barring a full analysis of my brain patterns, I'll just have to make guesses.  It could be that I fear getting to a point of no return. That I won't be able to claim innocence anymore. I  went caving once, by protest, and the whole time I was thinking that I would go a little further, and I can always turn around whenever I want.  Well, I did pretty good and got pretty far in before I decided I had had enough. When I announced I was going back, my friend told me that I couldn't go back, the only way out was going forward. That was a horrible feeling.  There have been times in my life where I've had similar feelings (less dangerous but still scary). It's weird, I have a feeling that when I open my heart and my mind, the flood gates will open and knowledge, self-discovery, and love will come pouring in.  Sounds wonderful right?  It should be.  It also could be (and I'm sure part of it is) laziness.  I don't have the insight to see the bigger picture, so I'm just always thinking of the present moment and what the present version of me wants in that moment. And everything that's consuming my time and attention are distractions from the real stuff.  I haven't figured out this one yet, but it's interesting.

Self Talk:  I didn't realize until lately that I am a negative person.  I did a little experiment the other day.  I was at the UPS store, waiting for my husband to get done printing something and I was looking around outside. I decided at one point to recall the last three thoughts I had had. I had to think about it for a minute because I wasn't conscious of the thoughts I had been having.  First:  I looked at the grocery store with the Free Flu Shot sign on it and had thought Flu shots are such a scam, all the flu shot does is give people the flu. Second:  I looked at the sign that said "Pharmacy" on it and thought:  The pharmacy:  Sad place, where people who are sick go. Lastly:  I saw the lamp post in the street and thought:  The reason we have street lamps: Because of all the crimes and murders that happen.  Why else would we need to light the road" The last one especially stopped me in my tracks. How sad!  Three things that could very easily be seen as wonderful things! How much does self talk change who you are and how hard you work? A lot.  The days that I decide to be a "product of my circumstances" or feel justified in the way I treat people because of the day I've had, the days I decide that I'm not as smart, pretty, or capable as others, I always get less done and feel worse at the end of the day. I heard a quote in a Ted Talk that was "Fake it until you become it." I'm realizing that people generally don't scrutinize you NEAR as much as you scrutinize yourself, so don't make it a thing!  Try your hardest and be okay with where that puts you at the end of the day, because it may not seem like it day to day, but you'll look back and realize you're so much further along than you were.

Some of my musings from this weekend.  I'd love to hear your thoughts on the subject!