I never know how to start blog posts and I always feel like I'm being dramatic or causing too many waves when I think of posting personal things about me on the web. I've thought about it over and over and wondered what could come of me sharing stories and feelings? Could someone hack my information? Could someone start stalking me because they think they know me? Then I think, well I'll just post the important stuff and leave some details out, that way I know I'm not sharing too much. This is the thought process of someone with an Anxiety Disorder. At least, that's the thought process I have. So, let me preface this by saying that this post is not about drawing attention to my weaknesses, because, frankly, I'm sick of giving my anxiety the attention that it gets in my mind. I wanted to write something because, in my life, Anxiety was really hard to get used to once I found out that I had it. I felt like a freak, I felt like a shut in, and I felt helpless (I still do sometimes). The reason why I felt these oh-so-wonderful feelings is because Anxiety, Depression, Bipolar, OCD, and many other mental illnesses were all so taboo when I was growing up. Not necessarily in my family, but in school and in life. If someone didn't join the group and wanted to play alone, they were weird. If someone was scared to sleep in their own at night, they were crazy. I wrote this post in an attempt to reach out to anyone suffering from a mental illness (I hate the term mental illness but whatever) and give them hope that it gets better as time goes on. I am in no way free of Anxiety but I've realized a lot of things along the way that have given me strength. So, here's my story. I would love to hear others' stories,if you would like to share.
When I was a kid I was pretty cautious. When other kids or one of my siblings got sick, I'd make it a point to play outside all day. I was terrified of getting the flu. Every time I had it, I would cry and cry and it was traumatizing. Later I'd learn that throwing up was traumatizing for a lot of kids but that most of them grow out of it, and it took me until I was 21 years to be able to feel okay about getting the flu. Even still I get anxious about it. But my biggest fear when I was a kid was that I was going to be kidnapped. I remember lying in my bed one night sometime around Christmas and I could hear the lights banging up against the the house from the wind. I thought that sound was two men walking up a ladder to come and grab me. I would actually make up things in my mind to feel better like that one of the guys forgot something and had to climb back down. I would eventually fall asleep and nothing ever happened. Looking back, I knew that stuff wasn't real even then. Why would I make up reasons that the bad guys couldn't get all the way up the ladder if I honestly believed that they would? Another time I made a poster that said "Emily is in China" so that the bad guys would think I wasn't there. I would sleep all the way under my covers and try to lay completely flat so that it looked like no one was in the bed. Anyway, as a kid, this was really hard for me because I felt so stupid. All of my friends slept in their beds just fine, all of my siblings were sleeping in their beds, and I was either sleeping on the floor next to my parents' bed or sleeping in the living room while watching a movie.
As I got older, it got easier. By the time I was twelve I could sleep in my own room as long as a movie was playing until I fell asleep. I didn't really notice anything different about myself in high school, I felt pretty normal except for the fact that I had horrible grades. It was really hard for me to do my homework because I would get really frustrated and give up. I don't know if that had anything to do with Anxiety but looking back, I can see how it could have. So...big turning point..
It was my senior year of high school and I was dating this guy that I had met through my brother. He and I had been dating about a month or so and we went and visited a landmark a couple hours away for a date. We had been holding hands all night and had kissed at the end of the night. Well, the next morning he told me that he had come down with something and had been throwing up non stop since the early morning. All of the sudden, I felt like I was going to throw up. I stayed home from school because I honestly thought I had gotten something from him, after all we were together all night. Well, I never ended up throwing up and I felt fine...until the next day I started noticing that at night I would start to feel really sick. Then I would go to sleep, wake up fine and go to school. Then a few hours later it would start again. Eventually I went to the doctor and he couldn't figure out what was wrong. He thought it was Irritable Bowel Syndrome, maybe a milk intolerance, and a number of other things. I got very used to getting my blood drawn. Since I felt sick all the time, it was even harder than usual to study and do homework. But it was my senior year and I wasn't going to graduate unless I worked my butt off. My boyfriend at the time was really patient and our dates were usually hanging out at my house because I always felt sick.
The pressure built up more and more the closer graduation came and the cliff of uncertainty looming soon after. My boyfriend and I were getting more and more serious and I was really scared that we were going to get married before I had a chance to go to college and do all of those things that every 18 year old thinks they want. So eventually we broke up and it was really hard on both of us because we wanted to be together and so that was stressing me out even more. On top of that, I found out a few days before graduation that I was going to graduate, something I hadn't mentioned to any of my friends because I was so mortified. And then it happened - my first panic attack. It was soon after the break up and I was talking to my parents about him, and school, and how my body was ruining everything and all of the sudden, I felt like I couldn't breathe. It was the scariest feeling I had ever felt and couldn't stop crying or gasping for air. Since it's not something that you really are tested for, it took my doctor a while to realize what it was. But after extensive questions about the past, my health and behavior, he diagnosed me with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I asked him what that was and he said that some people have specific phobias, mine is more general. Of course, I took that as You're afraid of everything.
For the next two years, I didn't really do much about my anxiety. I lived on my own and whatever I was afraid of, I could run from. Relationships that I was afraid of, I could run from. And I did. In fact, it wasn't until right before I got married that all of those things caught up to me. I had warned my husband before we got married that I had anxiety but he and I had no idea how much anxiety would begin to unfold. I had held it in and run from it for so long, that it all came out in one big wave. I suddenly had to face the things that terrified me and the relationships that terrified me. Poor guy had to deal with my random sob fests about absolutely nothing at all, hear me go on and on about things happen in the world that really freak me out, hear me have a mini panic attack when I thought I was about to throw up. Thank goodness, it got better over time. I no longer freak out if I get sick (maybe a little in my mind), and I've come to realize a lot of truths about life and love and how things work. But I continue to have an amazing husband who is patient with me and more important, knows me, and knows that my anxiety is just a little part of who I am. I've seen counselors, I've been on medication, I've tried yoga, and learned some really inspiring life lessons. So, from this point in my life, these are my tips for people with Anxiety and anyone with a mental illness (if it applies)....
Know that you are not aloneI didn't think that I was alone in this disorder, but I definitely didn't know it was as common as it is. I used to think that being strong was hiding all of the stuff you don't like and boasting about the things you do like. But I've come to see that as as the lie that it is. I compared myself to others that I thought had such "perfect" lives for so long and then, funny thing happens, they grow up. They start sharing their problems and you get to see the whole them, which is much better than only a small part. Others, even if they aren't comfortable or ready to share, are going through a lot of the same things. Talk to the people in your life that have been for you and that you feel you can trust, those people will never look at you differently and will always stick around.
Talk -- to anyone
I always felt like there was a stigma with talking to a counselor. In marriage, if you talk to a counselor, a lot of people see that as a last step before divorce. If you're single and seek counseling, it looks like there is something wrong with you. Just forget all of the dopes that don't know any better and just go in to talk. I always felt like talking to friends or family was somehow burdening them or that they would get sick of me talking because...I can go on for days.....really. So, for me, It was a comfort just having someone who had a reason to be there (they were getting paid) and that was trained on how to respond to me. If you don't have health insurance, seek out counseling assistance through your community or religious affiliation. And if you cant talk to a counselor, talk to someone close to you, or get online and there are forums and groups you can join to talk to.
It doesn't have to be as hardSometimes I just so discouraged with my Anxiety. It's a constant battle of winning and losing. My counselor once told me "You will have anxiety for the rest of your life." I appreciated that so much because it put my in a very real place. I can always try, and there are many ways of managing anxiety. But there is no cure for anxiety. However, there are foods that have been found to help Anxiety naturally, as well as exercises like Yoga that are supposed to help as well. My counselors always talked about learning to breathe right and I've tried doing it when I was having a panic attack and it actually worked. There are also anxiety medications that you can try. When I was on medication, I was able to learn a lot of things and develop habits that I couldn't while I wasn't on medication. Do your research, talk to your doctor. Just know that you don't have to feel stuck or doomed. There is no harm in trying new things that will help you.You are NOT your anxietyYour anxiety is not you. Hardest lesson I've ever had to learn. And I forget it all the time. I realized that I want to be social, I want to jump off bridges and go for runs at night and heck, I'd be a vigilante because they're so amazing if I could. What stops me isn't me, it's my anxiety. It's real, it's a chemical imbalance in your brain, it is not who you are and you are so so SO much bigger than it. You have talents and gifts and opportunities to teach others and grow as a person in wisdom. That is what people will remember about you. And that is what you should focus on when you are feeling discouraged.Reach out to othersThis one is really important to me. There were so many people that I found out had mental illnesses after years of knowing them and I was blown away. We could've spent those years talking and becoming even closer as friends. We could've learned from each other and helped each other. Obviously, people aren't always up to sharing their stories. It's insanely hard, hence the reason I'm writing this now and not years ago. But if you're someone like me that was so afraid to have people look at you differently or think you're weird in some way, just know that there are people out there that could always read your story, your downfalls and triumphs. I know I would love to hear your story and learn from you and become that much closer to you as a friend.
Oh, and most importantly, It always gets better. There are so many things that used to be roadblocks in my life and with time and hard work (hard work meaning trying to stay positive), those things have become so much smaller.
Thanks to everyone in my life, whether we're that close or not, for the very personal and unique friendship that I have with you. I am so lucky to have such a great support system.
