The Rabbit Hole

I didn't think I'd write this. I don't really even know how to enunciate what it is I'm trying to say, it's just a bunch of thoughts in my mind that have been there for a long time. I've always been an unfailing optimist. I've had my downs, sure, but I always wake up with a new determination and a new hope for some dream that has always been there, waiting for me. If I knew what that dream was, I wonder if I'd go after it, or if I don't know what it is yet on purpose, because I'm not ready for it yet. Maybe it will unveil itself in its own time, when I have the clarity to reach out and take it.

I've been re-watching my favorite TV show, One Tree Hill lately and a flood of emotions came rushing over me as I watched the character I identified with most go through a similar experience. This show was such an important part of my life, in such a hard time in my life. I fell in love with the quotes, with the characters, and with the music. Some of my favorite songs came from that show and inevitably some of my favorite moments occurred listening to those songs. I've always had a very personal, indescribable relationship with music. I watch in the show as Peyton starts a record label, and lives her dream of creating and promoting music and I watch documentaries about record label owners and A&R reps and I'm seized with this incredible jealousy and urgent longing to be a part of that world.

So what is stopping me from pursuing this dream?  Fear.  Not of the work, or the possible lack of money, or the stress, but of losing this perfect love that I have for music.  I am very idealistic and I am so afraid that the lyrics that make me cry and the music that finds me wherever I am will be tarnished.  I know that in life, having high expectations always brings disappointment because crap happens and people aren't perfect.  But in a world with so many disappointments and things that don't live up to your dream of them, how often can someone say they hold something that is perfect, unchanging, and untarnishable?  What a rare find, what a gem, why ruin that?

I remember going to warped tour and seeing a band that I liked in high school, not one of my favorites, but they had a couple of songs that were special to me. I was so excited and while I watched them set up, I entered this other place where it was me and them and no one else was there. My favorite part of a concert, is that every person there opens up their heart for a little while and lets the performer into their world. I have felt that at every concert I've been to.  Every time, my heart opens and lets some music in and silently tells the world of my secret desires.  But it's there and other there that this can happen, because everyone else is doing the same thing. It's an unspoken agreement between me, the band, and everyone else there that everything that is spoken is okay, and that what is spoken is spoken through music, and cannot be spoken in words, or all would be lost.  So when this band came out and were slobbering drunk and were blabbering about stupid things, then started playing their music half-assed, my heart broke a little bit. And this wasn't even one of my favorite bands.  Imagine if it were. The lyrics and the music that I imagine means so much to the person who wrote it, don't mean as much as I thought.

Imagine you have a favorite song, and everything about it makes you shiver because it's so perfect in every way.  It's not just the lyrics, it's not just the music, it's the feeling, it's the inflection, the meaning.  You idolize this song for years, it helps you through some really tough times. Then you go to a concert and hear this song live. You meet the singer who wrote this wonderful song and you're barely holding it together.  Well, when you meet the singer, he's a jerk. He's slobbering drunk, he's yelling at everyone, and when you ask what inspired the song, he said he was drunk when he wrote it and was thinking about the Brady Bunch. This perfect thing is ruined.  One more perfect thing is ruined.

Well, I would love to work in the music industry, I would be in heaven, I would never think of it as work and I would work 12 hour days, but I don't know if I'm ready to give up the one perfect thing that I have.  I wonder what other people do. I wonder if this is how people feel when they begin working in the music industry and I wonder if they would go back and change their minds if they could, because they lost that wonder that music brought into their lives.  But I also wonder if this rabbit hole of uncertainty is much like the rabbit hole in Alice in Wonderland (which is my favorite Disney movie), there are scary things, but there are also wonderful things that you'd never experience had you not been curious enough to venture out of the safe, untarnishable world you live in. It's scary, I don't know if I'm ready, but I hope that I gain the clarity to know which will bring me more happiness; holding something perfect, or being apart of something imperfect, but incredible.  I have to hope that there is wonder and beauty in the music industry, and not just politics, money, sex, and partying. There just has to be, because those songs couldn't be written without it.   Maybe someday I'll be a part of it, and not just a spectator.  

What are your dreams? What is standing in your way? Maybe we can help each other.

One Year

One year ago yesterday, my friend passed away.  I wrote a blog post about it and what an awesome  person he was. Today I want to write about what transpired after he passed away, as it was easily one of the biggest stepping stones in my own development as a human being.  Harrison and I were friends, not the best of friends, but friends none the less. Because of this, I knew I would be sad about him passing but I didn't think I would feel the way I ended up feeling.  At first it was just shock, that someone that I knew, who was living and breathing 24 hours ago is not anymore.  Then it was genuine sadness, for his family, for the world.  Then slowly I went into a dark place that I had never been before.  I felt completely hopeless and disconnected from what was going on around me.  It got to a point where I didn't want to be alone because my mind went places it wasn't used to and I felt like I couldn't stop it.  I felt completely powerless.  Well, a few days into this, I came home from work and Adam wasn't home, he had taken the dogs somewhere and I was alone.  I tried to just power through and do what I needed to do around the house, but this heavy, dark cloud wouldn't leave.  I looked outside and it was a beautiful day and there were people walking outside. I thought, I feel like I'm in a different reality, like I'm not even a part of what is happening and everything seems contradictory.  As a desperate attempt to turn off my mind, I turned on some music.  Not the type of music you sit and ponder life to, dancing music.  I remember closing my eyes and making myself dance around the kitchen.  At first it seem to anything, and then I realized I was crying.  There have been often times where I have felt disconnected, to my feelings, to my emotions, to everyone.  But this was such a cool, personal moment that was just mine, and all of me was present, in that moment, not holding anything back.  

So why am I sharing one of my most personal and intimate moments with you? Well, because I firmly believe that if this happened to me,  it may have happened to you, in some degree or another.  Anxiety, depression, all of those fun backpacks we get to carry around sometimes,  make us think welte alone, that it's hopeless, that we can't let people in, or ourselves in.  I've always known that depression was real, but I never really felt it in my life until this day. I've been sad, but never depressed, like this.  But I could imagine what it would be like and it scared me to think of being in such a dark place.  But it happened, and it may again in my lifetime.  But as long as you push back and force yourself to do the perverbial dance that will bring you back to yourself, you'll be okay.  And  even if you don't think you can do that,  your body does, and your heart does.  

Because I knew Harrison, I fel confident saying that he was there that afternoon, that he's helping people come out of their own darkness and face themselves, then start living again.  I bet he's jamming out to some sweet music and has his friends and family on speed dial to help them. I know he was there that day with me. 

Harrison, we were friends, but I think we became better friends that day.  Thanks.  

Millennnials, Decisions, and Ownership

In my opinion, there are few things more dangerous to your personal growth and happiness than deciding that your happiness depends on someone or something other than you. Through the ages, we as a people have grown so much in so many ways.  But, and I can say this because I am technically a "Millennial", there was one huge error.  If you look at the difference between the 50's and now, kids had more respect and were taught to work their guts out, because the world didn't owe them anything. The following are the fallacies I have noticed that we as a millennial general suffer from as a whole.
Lazy Work
As a country, we have so much more at our fingertips than people did back then, and that technology and knowledge allows to work smarter and not harder (which is what the financial gurus strongly encourage from time to time). While I understand the benefits of this philosophy, it can be rather like a gateway drug, if you will, to laziness. I have worked with so many intelligent people, that I get so stoked about because they get it, just really get it, and then they shock me one day when they take a huge shortcut, that had way more risks associated than benefits. What I can't stand about these types of people is that they start with small risks, and they usually come out alright because they got lucky or they can talk their way out of trouble. Then, they take those "Wins" as a sign that they are invincible on some level, so they feel more comfortable taking bigger risks.  Eventually they crash hard and it completely catches them off guard because they felt so in control of the situation.  Bottom line is:  The best combination of qualities to try to acquire are Knowledge AND wisdom. If you only have wisdom, then you'll make great decisions, but you won't know how to actually follow through with them.  But as a culture, we have everything right at our fingertips, we can find pretty much anything without working too hard for it.  If you are hungry, there's a McDonalds 3 blocks away. If you're hot, you can go to a pool down the road. If you're sad, there are aisles and aisles of wonderful, heart-attack inducing foods that will provide you with a band aid for the time being.

Responsibility
I've definitely seen this one - people spending their money and stuff they don't need, then begging for what they really need. But this cannot all be blamed on the individual. I say that not to provide a scapegoat, but to understand the origin of where these behaviors seem to come from, and more importantly, figure out a way to break free. In school, how many of us were taught how to use a credit card? Anybody? Buehler? Well, I definitely didn't, and I've never met anyone who did, so if your school taught you that, that is awesome, tell them great job! Our generation as a whole, didn't grow up with a whole lot of knowledge on credit and loans and all of that junk, albeit important junk, you need to understand when you become an adult. But kids these days - if they want to go to college but they can't afford it, they take out student loans.  If they can't buy groceries - they live off of their credit card or student loans. I know not all students are like this, but there are many different variations of this "Bail me out" routine.  In my opinion, a huge part of this stemmed from this movement, around the 90s-2000s, that claims "This is who I am, I won't change for anyone." This movement came from a very great place and made a huge difference in the overall confidence of our generation when we were vulnerable teens trying to figure out who we are. But, as it usually happens, something not-so-healthy started.  The very confident statement of saying you are comfortable with who you are, and you don't need to change your personality just because you want others to accept you -- slowly became "I am me, and I will not change, and you just need to cram it."  Which became a scapegoat for people who were rude, inconsiderate, etc.  Why change who you are?  Because we are human beings who are growing older, more wrinkly, and hopefully wiser. Because to succeed in anything in life, you need to be willing to adapt and evolve. Because as a human race who from time to time interact with other people, we have to be willing to pick our battles, compromise, and try to be tolerable, in exchange for the same courtesies extended back to us. We are an evolving species - period. Now, should people tell you how you should change and force you to be like them? Of course not. But the very statement that you do not need to change who you are, can be dangerous, if only to your subconscious, because you are telling yourself this, and your mind does what you tell it to do. At the time when we are at our laziest, most entitled, and selfish as a country, you can still make the decision to be more, to glue your head to your shoulders and be a responsible adult, because it is the most logical thing to do and will improve your relationships with others.

Boredom
This one is pretty simple. I feel so bad for kids these days, because they have everything they could ever want. WHAT? What did I just say? Isn't that the dream? No, it's not.  Kids have Tablets, Iphones, computers, with access to social media, search engines, videos, games, pictures, anything you could ever want. They can sit in a waiting room and entertain themselves for hours if they needed to. What is sad about that? What's sad is that they don't know how to be in the present moment.  They never just get to sit in silence and look around the room at their surrounds and people they're sitting next to.  The other part of it is, the day they forget their phone at home, is the worst day ever, because they don't know what to do with themselves. They are constantly stimulated and so going without it is torture. It's like that with everything. If people want something greasy to eat, there are at least a dozen places that will happily fulfill that request, and usually within three minutes, because heaven forbid we are kept waiting. I have been in this whirlwind, and it's not a fun place to be. You're constantly having to have something in the background, you can't drive in the car without music, working in silence is torture because it's so boring, it's hard to fall asleep if it's silent.  Being in that whirlwind and then trying to train your brain to really be in and experience the present moment and interact with people who are there with you, is REALLY hard, even as an adult. Imagine how much harder it is for a kid that doesn't have the self discipline or the right frame of mind yet. Kids are constantly stimulated at home and then sent to school where their teachers expect them to sit in a chair, be quiet, and work. This is torture!  Do we change the schools to make them more stimulating? No, we teach and show children how to live in the moment that they're in, and teach them how to be social and interact with others.  As I stated above, we are all on this planet together, and occasionally have to interact - give kids a good foundation of social intelligence. 

My parting thought is that we, as the newer generation are capable of SO much, let's be honest. But we also need to draw some of our wisdom from our elders, because they got this fair and did pretty well. They were taught to work for what you want, to not settle because it's easier, to not quit because you're tired.  The more our generation can work on our social and emotional intelligence, the more amazing we can be and we can actually reach our full potential.

Home

So, today I was feeling tired.  Tired of always going over all of the things I've never done or started but not finished in my head over and over again.  There are so many other emotions I was feeling today but that was the dominant one.  When I got home from work, I was thinking about how beautiful it was outside and that I should go on a hike.  To save time, instead of listing them all, I'll just say that my mind came up with every possible excuse not to go and to just hang out and "relax".  I put the quotation marks because usually "relaxing" is me trying to relax, but I end up feeling guilty for not doing something productive so it's actually just stressful.  ANYWAY...I finally just got in my car and went.  I've been on this hike before so I was familiar with the trail but this time was different, I was alone.  I brought my emergency bag with me just in case.  Apart from having a couple of people pass me, I was alone the whole time. The hike was hard and I definitely was not in shape, but the view was beautiful.  I was going to bring my Ipod, but I'm so glad that I didn't.  It was just me and the mountain.

Something interesting that I noticed, was that I had to completely trust myself.  If I started to panic at all, I would lose my focus and often times my grip on the trail.  There were a few parts that were scary and the thought entered my mind a few times that if I slipped and something happened, no one would be around.  But I had to quickly get re-direct my mind because that mindset didn't help me at all.  During the scary areas, I kept saying "We got this", instinctively speaking to my mind and body because I knew that they had to work together to keep me safe.  Sometimes my body wanted to just run in an area because it looked safe, and other times it wanted to keep pushing even though it knew I needed a break.  Sometimes my mind would overwhelm me with negative thoughts about what could happen or how this was not a good idea. They had to balance each other out and give each other pep talks, so to speak.

I think the coolest part about my evening was when I was gone. I got in  my car and was so relieved.  The fatigue was definitely part of it, but a large part of my relief came from knowing that I was headed back into Logan and I would be around people.  I missed having someone there to talk to and share stories with. I think I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it, and that I could depend on myself. And I did! And it was great! But I realized when I got in my car and no one was around that just because you CAN do it alone, doesn't mean you should.  I think it's easy to romanticize living the life of a gypsy (as I call it).  The life of popping in and out and disappearing whenever you want, not having roots and not letting anyone really get to know you.  For some, that sounds crazy, but for me and some others, it really sounds great sometimes.  Now I'm getting into what my blog post the other day was about, so you can read that for more about this subject.  But anyway, it's easy to romanticize being alone, but when you're really REALLY alone, it's nothing like what you thought it would be like.  It may sound like I'm being dramatic because people are alone all the time, but are we?  When I'm at home, I'm with Adam or the dogs and I'm on FB or Netflix. When I'm at work or anywhere in public, I'm obviously not alone.  There have only been a couple times in my life when I have felt completely alone, both very powerful experiences for me.  I don't know if that's unusual or not, but in this day and age, I doubt it.

When I drove out of the canyon, the sun was setting and I saw USU and the Island, Smith's Marketplace, and people walking around town.  I was struck with a really powerful feeling that I almost don't want to share because it was so personal, but I will.  I was struck with the feeling that I was home.  Home has always been an hard word for me because I moved to Utah when I was 13 and have never felt like Utah was home.  At the same time, every time I go back to Oregon, I feel out of place.  Like this wasn't my home anymore.  I know "Home" doesn't seem like a big deal it doesn't really matter, but I honestly believe it's at the core of all of our conceptions about what home is and determines when and how each of us puts down roots.  I think that the reason it seems weird is because most people feel that feeling subconsciously.  Well, I was struck with that feeling tonight that Logan was home and I started crying, it was so strong.  To be even sappier, I think the kid in me is finally coming home and feeling comfortable somewhere.  I just typed the word comfortable without cringing.  Things are definitely shifting.

Loneliness

It's really hard for me to write blog posts. I like to share stories and lessons I've learned, but they're so random and personal that I never think they'll reach anyone. But, I have to think hopefully they will because I know I've read others blog posts and really learn a lot about them and whatever it is that's happening in my life.  I also don't like to share things if I don't have it all figured out in my mind (which is weird because that will never happen..). SO, here's a fair warning that this will be unorganized and may not have a conclusive ending.  

I've been thinking a lot lately about loneliness.  Apart from being physically alone, loneliness is a very illusive word.  People can interpret it different ways and it can be felt walking in the middle of nowhere or in a crowded club with blaring music and friends all around you.  So why is that? How can we feel lonely when we're not physically alone?  Well, here's what my experience has been.  It started at a very young age.  I always wanted to be grown up, I really didn't like being a kid. I wanted to go to work, make money, eat what I want, and do what I want.  I was the youngest child of 7 and my two older sisters were really close, as well as my two older brothers.  I spent most of my time with my best friend.  I remember having really cool assignments in class and almost finishing them, then losing motivation and giving up.  These three very random stories are examples of times when I would run, even at a young age.


In high school, I tried out for the basketball team, and went the first day but skipped out on the second day because it was too hard.  I didn't want to look like an idiot if I put everything into it and it ended up not being good enough.  I tried out for a high school musical but I didn't prepare, so I didn't get in.  I failed a lot of classes and had to repeat them, barely graduating high school. When I was 17 I started having panic attacks every once in a while and started taking anxiety medication. I thought I was too young to deal with anxiety, so I didn't. I lived on autopilot for two years and didn't let anyone close to me at all.  I didn't want them to figure me out before I could.


It wasn't until I left town and moved somewhere new that I was able to take a second look at my life and realize that I wasn't even living. I was just going through the motions.  When I met Adam, I was finally coming into a good place, but it hasn't been easy.  All of the sudden I had to let him, my family, and a whole new family in, and I was not used to that, at all.  And let me clarify, when I say let people in, I mean into my heart and thoughts and all things real.  I talk do on the surface talk with anyone.  There have still been things that I have "failed", and there continue to be those things.  But here's what I'm thinking:   Loneliness comes from the barrier you put between you and someone/something else.   I would hazard to guess that almost every barrier between me and the people who have been or are in my life are there because I put them there.  It's when start overthinking and assume that everyone else's mind is clear and concise and makes rational decisions all day every day.  And we all know that's a load of...anyway.


Along with that, I read a quote:  Rule of thumb: The more important a call or action is to our soul’s evolution, the more Resistance we will feel toward pursuing it.  I definitely agree with this statement.  I also know that before we submit to call or action we are resisting, we put ourselves through absolute hell to resist it.  There's denial, "I don't need to fix the way I do this, it's fine".  Then there's excuses "Well, if that was rude, she kind of deserved it".  And finally at some point, you realize that resisting this takes way more energy then actually doing it. And you know in your soul, that it is right. Super cheesy, but it's true.  Sometimes we just get scared. I'm scared of doing the real work that it takes to be really good at something.  I'm scared of the greatness that could be inside of me, and the responsibility that brings with it.  I'm scared of attention and pressure. But that's resistance, that's not me.  And the resistance is only there because I know how important it is.  Also, when we give into our resistance (because we're human and it happens), guilt inevitably follows.  And that guilt can make us guard ourselves from other opportunities and other people who want to help us.  
So in conclusion, I think that we can feel loneliness anywhere, if we're resisting something.  That can be a relationship, a job, a situation, anything.  That resistance is present for a reason. The more resistance, usually, the more important it is.  And when we give in to our resistances every once in a while (notice I said when), the resisting part of us wants us to hide and shrink and, let me tell you, that's not a fun place to be.  When you're stuck in your mind and you don't let anyone in, you may think it's safe, but it's just sad.  The most fulfillment comes from relating to, sharing with, and helping other people.  That's when you're really living.

Musings

A few things I've been thinking about lately, and in the style that my brain processes them..

Fear:  I often hear people say that the biggest thing people fear is failure. The "Better to have loved and lost..." is the go-to quote for the failure pep talk.  But I think there are so many other reasons that people fear doing, knowing, and becoming.  There are so many things I want to do and become in my life, and I know that they will make me happier, but I'm scared out of my mind to do them.  Barring a full analysis of my brain patterns, I'll just have to make guesses.  It could be that I fear getting to a point of no return. That I won't be able to claim innocence anymore. I  went caving once, by protest, and the whole time I was thinking that I would go a little further, and I can always turn around whenever I want.  Well, I did pretty good and got pretty far in before I decided I had had enough. When I announced I was going back, my friend told me that I couldn't go back, the only way out was going forward. That was a horrible feeling.  There have been times in my life where I've had similar feelings (less dangerous but still scary). It's weird, I have a feeling that when I open my heart and my mind, the flood gates will open and knowledge, self-discovery, and love will come pouring in.  Sounds wonderful right?  It should be.  It also could be (and I'm sure part of it is) laziness.  I don't have the insight to see the bigger picture, so I'm just always thinking of the present moment and what the present version of me wants in that moment. And everything that's consuming my time and attention are distractions from the real stuff.  I haven't figured out this one yet, but it's interesting.

Self Talk:  I didn't realize until lately that I am a negative person.  I did a little experiment the other day.  I was at the UPS store, waiting for my husband to get done printing something and I was looking around outside. I decided at one point to recall the last three thoughts I had had. I had to think about it for a minute because I wasn't conscious of the thoughts I had been having.  First:  I looked at the grocery store with the Free Flu Shot sign on it and had thought Flu shots are such a scam, all the flu shot does is give people the flu. Second:  I looked at the sign that said "Pharmacy" on it and thought:  The pharmacy:  Sad place, where people who are sick go. Lastly:  I saw the lamp post in the street and thought:  The reason we have street lamps: Because of all the crimes and murders that happen.  Why else would we need to light the road" The last one especially stopped me in my tracks. How sad!  Three things that could very easily be seen as wonderful things! How much does self talk change who you are and how hard you work? A lot.  The days that I decide to be a "product of my circumstances" or feel justified in the way I treat people because of the day I've had, the days I decide that I'm not as smart, pretty, or capable as others, I always get less done and feel worse at the end of the day. I heard a quote in a Ted Talk that was "Fake it until you become it." I'm realizing that people generally don't scrutinize you NEAR as much as you scrutinize yourself, so don't make it a thing!  Try your hardest and be okay with where that puts you at the end of the day, because it may not seem like it day to day, but you'll look back and realize you're so much further along than you were.

Some of my musings from this weekend.  I'd love to hear your thoughts on the subject!

  

My Current Dilemma

When I was kid, growing up in a small town, I would sit on my roof and watch the sunset and listen to the train pass through the town.  The town I lived in was a town that most people only knew because they had stayed there one night on their way from one place to another. I was so jealous of them. I had this strange jealousy come over me every time my older sister and her family would leave after coming for Christmas. I felt stuck. I was a tad dramatic,yes...but to be fair, I was 10-11 years old.  My friend and I would always play "Work." Our favorite career choice was secret agents. We had boyfriends who we were always trying to balance with work, but work always won.  I was Agent Cobra, in case you wanted to know.  The reason I'm telling you this is because I had BIG dreams. I wanted to move to a big, big city and work in an office and live a fast lifestyle. Okay, those aren't that big of dreams, but I digress. As I grew up, those dreams simmered down a little bit, as they often do when we grow up.  Of course, I wanted to be a mother, but I'd be lying if I said it was at the forefront of my mind when it came to aspirations.

Skip to today, the dilemma I face is that I want to have kids and raise my kids, but I also don't want to give up working.  I want to work but I definitely don't want a nanny there 24-7 raising my kids  Whether it's right or not, there is a lot of pressure on women in the circles I run in to have kids and be stay a home mom.  It's just kind of expected.  The problem is, when you grow up just like everyone else and you go to school imagining how everything you learn will help you in your future career and dream job, it's not so easy to give that stuff up...and I know it sounds selfish, but I'm not willing to.  To be honest, it always weirded me out when I met mothers who didn't have any time for themselves and they just gave up EVERYTHING for their children. I know I'm not a parent, so..you know, burn me at the stake here, but...that seems over the top to me.  I don't think it's human nature to be that selfless. It sounds cynical, and maybe it is, but there has to be SOMETHING that is yours and yours alone or it won't last. You will burn out and be angry and resentful, at least I know I would.   So what is the balance?  Can you raise kids and still have a career (outside the home - because let's be real...)?  Can you have kids and still find time to do hobbies that you love?  I think so, I just don't know how it would work.  But, WHEN I have kids and somehow figure it out, I will post about it and share with my other non-parent friends who are also scared of jumping into the world of parenthood because they are afraid of losing themselves.  So, to the already-parents who both work, how do you do it?   I want to hear some success stories.