Home

So, today I was feeling tired.  Tired of always going over all of the things I've never done or started but not finished in my head over and over again.  There are so many other emotions I was feeling today but that was the dominant one.  When I got home from work, I was thinking about how beautiful it was outside and that I should go on a hike.  To save time, instead of listing them all, I'll just say that my mind came up with every possible excuse not to go and to just hang out and "relax".  I put the quotation marks because usually "relaxing" is me trying to relax, but I end up feeling guilty for not doing something productive so it's actually just stressful.  ANYWAY...I finally just got in my car and went.  I've been on this hike before so I was familiar with the trail but this time was different, I was alone.  I brought my emergency bag with me just in case.  Apart from having a couple of people pass me, I was alone the whole time. The hike was hard and I definitely was not in shape, but the view was beautiful.  I was going to bring my Ipod, but I'm so glad that I didn't.  It was just me and the mountain.

Something interesting that I noticed, was that I had to completely trust myself.  If I started to panic at all, I would lose my focus and often times my grip on the trail.  There were a few parts that were scary and the thought entered my mind a few times that if I slipped and something happened, no one would be around.  But I had to quickly get re-direct my mind because that mindset didn't help me at all.  During the scary areas, I kept saying "We got this", instinctively speaking to my mind and body because I knew that they had to work together to keep me safe.  Sometimes my body wanted to just run in an area because it looked safe, and other times it wanted to keep pushing even though it knew I needed a break.  Sometimes my mind would overwhelm me with negative thoughts about what could happen or how this was not a good idea. They had to balance each other out and give each other pep talks, so to speak.

I think the coolest part about my evening was when I was gone. I got in  my car and was so relieved.  The fatigue was definitely part of it, but a large part of my relief came from knowing that I was headed back into Logan and I would be around people.  I missed having someone there to talk to and share stories with. I think I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it, and that I could depend on myself. And I did! And it was great! But I realized when I got in my car and no one was around that just because you CAN do it alone, doesn't mean you should.  I think it's easy to romanticize living the life of a gypsy (as I call it).  The life of popping in and out and disappearing whenever you want, not having roots and not letting anyone really get to know you.  For some, that sounds crazy, but for me and some others, it really sounds great sometimes.  Now I'm getting into what my blog post the other day was about, so you can read that for more about this subject.  But anyway, it's easy to romanticize being alone, but when you're really REALLY alone, it's nothing like what you thought it would be like.  It may sound like I'm being dramatic because people are alone all the time, but are we?  When I'm at home, I'm with Adam or the dogs and I'm on FB or Netflix. When I'm at work or anywhere in public, I'm obviously not alone.  There have only been a couple times in my life when I have felt completely alone, both very powerful experiences for me.  I don't know if that's unusual or not, but in this day and age, I doubt it.

When I drove out of the canyon, the sun was setting and I saw USU and the Island, Smith's Marketplace, and people walking around town.  I was struck with a really powerful feeling that I almost don't want to share because it was so personal, but I will.  I was struck with the feeling that I was home.  Home has always been an hard word for me because I moved to Utah when I was 13 and have never felt like Utah was home.  At the same time, every time I go back to Oregon, I feel out of place.  Like this wasn't my home anymore.  I know "Home" doesn't seem like a big deal it doesn't really matter, but I honestly believe it's at the core of all of our conceptions about what home is and determines when and how each of us puts down roots.  I think that the reason it seems weird is because most people feel that feeling subconsciously.  Well, I was struck with that feeling tonight that Logan was home and I started crying, it was so strong.  To be even sappier, I think the kid in me is finally coming home and feeling comfortable somewhere.  I just typed the word comfortable without cringing.  Things are definitely shifting.

Loneliness

It's really hard for me to write blog posts. I like to share stories and lessons I've learned, but they're so random and personal that I never think they'll reach anyone. But, I have to think hopefully they will because I know I've read others blog posts and really learn a lot about them and whatever it is that's happening in my life.  I also don't like to share things if I don't have it all figured out in my mind (which is weird because that will never happen..). SO, here's a fair warning that this will be unorganized and may not have a conclusive ending.  

I've been thinking a lot lately about loneliness.  Apart from being physically alone, loneliness is a very illusive word.  People can interpret it different ways and it can be felt walking in the middle of nowhere or in a crowded club with blaring music and friends all around you.  So why is that? How can we feel lonely when we're not physically alone?  Well, here's what my experience has been.  It started at a very young age.  I always wanted to be grown up, I really didn't like being a kid. I wanted to go to work, make money, eat what I want, and do what I want.  I was the youngest child of 7 and my two older sisters were really close, as well as my two older brothers.  I spent most of my time with my best friend.  I remember having really cool assignments in class and almost finishing them, then losing motivation and giving up.  These three very random stories are examples of times when I would run, even at a young age.


In high school, I tried out for the basketball team, and went the first day but skipped out on the second day because it was too hard.  I didn't want to look like an idiot if I put everything into it and it ended up not being good enough.  I tried out for a high school musical but I didn't prepare, so I didn't get in.  I failed a lot of classes and had to repeat them, barely graduating high school. When I was 17 I started having panic attacks every once in a while and started taking anxiety medication. I thought I was too young to deal with anxiety, so I didn't. I lived on autopilot for two years and didn't let anyone close to me at all.  I didn't want them to figure me out before I could.


It wasn't until I left town and moved somewhere new that I was able to take a second look at my life and realize that I wasn't even living. I was just going through the motions.  When I met Adam, I was finally coming into a good place, but it hasn't been easy.  All of the sudden I had to let him, my family, and a whole new family in, and I was not used to that, at all.  And let me clarify, when I say let people in, I mean into my heart and thoughts and all things real.  I talk do on the surface talk with anyone.  There have still been things that I have "failed", and there continue to be those things.  But here's what I'm thinking:   Loneliness comes from the barrier you put between you and someone/something else.   I would hazard to guess that almost every barrier between me and the people who have been or are in my life are there because I put them there.  It's when start overthinking and assume that everyone else's mind is clear and concise and makes rational decisions all day every day.  And we all know that's a load of...anyway.


Along with that, I read a quote:  Rule of thumb: The more important a call or action is to our soul’s evolution, the more Resistance we will feel toward pursuing it.  I definitely agree with this statement.  I also know that before we submit to call or action we are resisting, we put ourselves through absolute hell to resist it.  There's denial, "I don't need to fix the way I do this, it's fine".  Then there's excuses "Well, if that was rude, she kind of deserved it".  And finally at some point, you realize that resisting this takes way more energy then actually doing it. And you know in your soul, that it is right. Super cheesy, but it's true.  Sometimes we just get scared. I'm scared of doing the real work that it takes to be really good at something.  I'm scared of the greatness that could be inside of me, and the responsibility that brings with it.  I'm scared of attention and pressure. But that's resistance, that's not me.  And the resistance is only there because I know how important it is.  Also, when we give into our resistance (because we're human and it happens), guilt inevitably follows.  And that guilt can make us guard ourselves from other opportunities and other people who want to help us.  
So in conclusion, I think that we can feel loneliness anywhere, if we're resisting something.  That can be a relationship, a job, a situation, anything.  That resistance is present for a reason. The more resistance, usually, the more important it is.  And when we give in to our resistances every once in a while (notice I said when), the resisting part of us wants us to hide and shrink and, let me tell you, that's not a fun place to be.  When you're stuck in your mind and you don't let anyone in, you may think it's safe, but it's just sad.  The most fulfillment comes from relating to, sharing with, and helping other people.  That's when you're really living.