One year ago yesterday, my friend passed away. I wrote a blog post about it and what an awesome person he was. Today I want to write about what transpired after he passed away, as it was easily one of the biggest stepping stones in my own development as a human being. Harrison and I were friends, not the best of friends, but friends none the less. Because of this, I knew I would be sad about him passing but I didn't think I would feel the way I ended up feeling. At first it was just shock, that someone that I knew, who was living and breathing 24 hours ago is not anymore. Then it was genuine sadness, for his family, for the world. Then slowly I went into a dark place that I had never been before. I felt completely hopeless and disconnected from what was going on around me. It got to a point where I didn't want to be alone because my mind went places it wasn't used to and I felt like I couldn't stop it. I felt completely powerless. Well, a few days into this, I came home from work and Adam wasn't home, he had taken the dogs somewhere and I was alone. I tried to just power through and do what I needed to do around the house, but this heavy, dark cloud wouldn't leave. I looked outside and it was a beautiful day and there were people walking outside. I thought, I feel like I'm in a different reality, like I'm not even a part of what is happening and everything seems contradictory. As a desperate attempt to turn off my mind, I turned on some music. Not the type of music you sit and ponder life to, dancing music. I remember closing my eyes and making myself dance around the kitchen. At first it seem to anything, and then I realized I was crying. There have been often times where I have felt disconnected, to my feelings, to my emotions, to everyone. But this was such a cool, personal moment that was just mine, and all of me was present, in that moment, not holding anything back.
So why am I sharing one of my most personal and intimate moments with you? Well, because I firmly believe that if this happened to me, it may have happened to you, in some degree or another. Anxiety, depression, all of those fun backpacks we get to carry around sometimes, make us think welte alone, that it's hopeless, that we can't let people in, or ourselves in. I've always known that depression was real, but I never really felt it in my life until this day. I've been sad, but never depressed, like this. But I could imagine what it would be like and it scared me to think of being in such a dark place. But it happened, and it may again in my lifetime. But as long as you push back and force yourself to do the perverbial dance that will bring you back to yourself, you'll be okay. And even if you don't think you can do that, your body does, and your heart does.
Because I knew Harrison, I fel confident saying that he was there that afternoon, that he's helping people come out of their own darkness and face themselves, then start living again. I bet he's jamming out to some sweet music and has his friends and family on speed dial to help them. I know he was there that day with me.
Harrison, we were friends, but I think we became better friends that day. Thanks.
