Why I Will Never Cut Anyone Out Of My Life

One thing that I've seen and heard a lot lately is people "cutting out" people from their lives.  Far be it for me to assume what has happened for someone to get to that point, goodness knows people have done things to me that make me want to never talk to them again.  But I think that "cutting people out of your life" is a millennial thing.  Now, I'm a millennial so I know I'm included in that.  But here's my theory:  A lot of millennials don't know how to create boundaries.  I'm guilty of this as well.  The 90s was the last time period of keeping your personal life personal.  Now that there is Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram, Youtube, people share so much about their lives (I do too).  The level of privateness is so much lower than it was when there weren't cell phones and internet.  The other part of it is that the internet and phones and having everything at our fingertips is overwhelming.  We get so much information poured on us all day long and it overloads our brains.  So any human contact that is unpleasant is just too much to handle.  Because we've already got so many things going on in our minds.  We've gotten so used to sharing everything and communicating through text and other super simple ways that I think people let other people into their sacred spaces in their mind and don't have a line in the sand to keep them at bay.  So people will stay there and make themselves at home and start to act like they own the place and soon you're a sidekick in your own life.  This is the problem.  Once you're at the point where someone's come way too far into your personal life and you don't know how to get them out, it's easier to just throw your hands up and kick them out and lock the door.  This doesn't seem like the healthiest approach.  What would've been better for your sanity and your relationship is to have a real discussion when someone is encroaching on your personal space and approaching your line in the sand and kindly let them know that they need to stop.  Imagine how many friendships and family relationships that could be saved if people could just talk about an issue when it happens and set clear boundaries about where people belong in your life.

So, the reason I said I will never cut someone out of my life is because the people who are IN my life  (meaning we are family or we are friends who speak on a semi-regular basis) are important to me.  I pick the people in my life and once I know you and your heart and have decided that I want you in my life, I don't give up on you.  I see quotes and memes all the time about letting go of negative people in your life.  While I understand the sentiment of surrounding yourself with positivity, I don't like these quotes.  I don't like the message that it sends that if your friend is going through a hard time and they're view on the world is a little skewed for the time being, to just throw in the towel and just ignore them until they can be happy again.  If you're my friend, I accept the good and the bad, the happy and the sad times.  People who are my friends, I talk to them when I see there's something going on in their lives that's hard for them and try to spread positivity myself.  How spoiled is our generation that we pick and choose when we want to have friends and when we want to just ditch everyone because they're acting negative or they don't approve of our lifestyle.  I would never tell a friend I don't believe in their lifestyle because I don't do that and having the same lifestyle isn't very important to me in a friendship so that doesn't matter to me.  But if one of my friends raised concern about how I'm living, I would appreciate that they cared enough to mention it to me and, keeping my boundaries firm, thank them for their love and concern.

So just know that if you are my friend or if you are related to me, just know that I will never cut you out of my life.  Even if we don't talk very much, just know that I think about you, care about you, wish the best for you, and will do anything I can to help you during a hard time.  If you're a little negative and don't have many nice things to say, I will do my part and be strong enough mentally and emotionally to listen and to love without letting your problems effect MY positivity and my attitude.    I will not blame you if your problems give me stress because it is my responsibility to be the master of self and even though that is a hard skill to learn and takes practice, true friends and family are worth that.  When it comes to family, in my opinion, family will be with you forever, so for me, I will always give my family chance after chance because they're my tribe and that's what you do...in my opinion.  And trust me, I've been given chances and I've given a lot of chances to family members.  That is an unpopular opinion, some think that family members have to earn a place in your world, but that's not how I see it, if you are related to me through blood or marriage, you are in my heart and you are my tribe.  If there are people in your life who are toxic, manipulative, etc, don't cut them out, BUILD STRONGER BOUNDARIES.  Build a mote with lava and a gate and a dragon protecting the castle so that people cannot shake you or break you, but if people are important enough to you, you will keep them in your lives and simply draw a clear line in the sand and tell them that they cannot cross it.  That is still taking care of yourself and your sanity, but still allowing people you've cared about to be apart of your life.  There are sides to some people I know that I don't like, and for that reason, I have boundaries.  But because of the side I DO like, their friendship is worth it to me.  I say "simply" but it's not easy.  I'm still working on it and I think it's a process but aren't our people worth it?  If they aren't, why were they in your life to begin with?

Let's get back to when relationships meant more to us than our emotions and our anxieties.  Let's get back to fighting for our friendships and relationships instead of just giving up.  The people in your life should be worth it.  I mean, they were there for a reason.

A Scary Night

It took me a little while to get to the point where I wanted to talk about this, because it really scared me.  Not like a "The spirit floated past me" typed scared, so if that's what you were hoping for, sorry! No, I was terrified because I was completely out of control of my body.

I was at my mom's house and everything was normal. I did feel a little cold as the day went on though, even when the house was pretty warm.  I drove home not feeling super great and thinking I may be getting a fever.  I got home and still everything was normal.   Alice was playing, I was hanging out with baby and I even called Adam when he got off work and talked to him for quite a while as he drove home from work.  I told him I think I have a fever but I could still get up and do things.   Slowly as the night went on, I felt more and more like crap.  I had the chills so I put on warm clothes, got under the comforter, and put the heater by me.  At first my fever was like 101.5 but slowly I started to get brain fog and I would zone out.  It was weird.  I asked Adam if that was normal and he said he thought it was because a fever will make you do that.  A little while later, as I was talking to Adam about something, my speech started to slur and the words I was saying weren't coming out as fast as I wanted them to.  I got a little nervous.  It got worse and worse quickly and within a few minutes I was only getting one word out for my sentences.  My mind was calm and I was trying to say things that made sense, but all that came out was either gibberish or one word here and there.  I also could barely feel my body.  I could move my toes a little bit and my neck and head but that was it.  Adam sat me up and I was completely limp.  I thought to myself come on!  What is wrong with you, just move!  But my body wasn't listening to me.  

I finally asked Adam to call my dad or his dad to give me a blessing (which sounded like "Call", "Dad" "Bless, Blessing".  He called my dad and my dad headed over.  He called his mom to find his dad since they're closer to us and his mom said that I was overheated and to put wet rags on me.  Adam did that and as he did, my mouth just came to life with a mind of it's own.  I was making clicking sounds, I was saying "Goo, gah, wah", etc.  I sounded like a little baby.  My mind was thinking stop that, that's so embarrassing, what are you doing?  Just say what you're trying to say or shut your mouth!  But again, my body wouldn't listen.  Even when I wasn't trying to say anything, my mouth would make sounds, I couldn't shut up!  At that point Adam called an ambulance and they said they'd come.  I got out the words "Don't" "Come", because 1, I was scared, and if they came then it would be serious and I wasn't prepared for that.  2.  I knew it would be so so expensive so I didn't want to unless it was absolutely necessary.  and 3.  I had started feeling a tiny bit better since Adam put the cold rags on me so I was pretty sure that that's what it was at that point.  The EMT said they would come out for free just to check.  They came and did some tests.  By the time they got there I was sitting up on my own and I could say a whole sentence if I really tried.  I was still talking slow and had to think about my social security number and my birthday for a second when they asked.  They weren't sure what happened but they eluded to the fever being the culprit.  

My dad came shortly after they left and I was almost back to normal, with a few clicking sounds here and there.  My dad gave me a blessing and it made me feel so much better and calm about the whole thing.   The next few days were hard on my mind.  I had so many questions.  What had happened?  Why did my body fight against me like that?  Can people's bodies just do whatever they want when you're sick sometimes and there's nothing you can do about it?  I hated the idea of not having the answers.  I hated the idea of not being in control of myself in any way.  

I did some research and, of course, the internet told me I was dying.  Tumor, aneurism, stroke, oh my.  DON'T LOOK UP SYMPTOMS ON THE INTERNET.  Rookie mistake.  I then found a website where a guy was talking about high anxiety when you have a fever and basically mentioned everything that happened to me.  Apparently when you have a fever, you can have a panic attack and that is the result.  I still didn't like that.  I've had anxiety attacks where I have cried and had a hard time catching my breath but nothing like that.  Not even close.  I didn't like the idea that what happened was me panicking.  But then I remembered that people who have panic attacks can't control them either.   

The whole experience was really scary, but also really humbling.  As it was happening, I honestly thought I was having a stroke and that I might die.  There was a point when I wanted Alice to come over because I wasn't sure what would happen.  I wondered if this is what people with disabilities feel like, trapped in their body and their mind is completely active, thinking, processing, but their body is fighting against them.  That must be so frustrating and lonely.  Wanting to reach out, to say I love you, but you can't.  It just made me feel like every problem in my life wasn't that big of a deal.  I can hold my babies and tell them I love them.  I can walk and dance.  It definitely made me feel grateful for my life and made me feel more empathic for people who have to live with that for more than one night.