It took me a little while to get to the point where I wanted to talk about this, because it really scared me. Not like a "The spirit floated past me" typed scared, so if that's what you were hoping for, sorry! No, I was terrified because I was completely out of control of my body.
I was at my mom's house and everything was normal. I did feel a little cold as the day went on though, even when the house was pretty warm. I drove home not feeling super great and thinking I may be getting a fever. I got home and still everything was normal. Alice was playing, I was hanging out with baby and I even called Adam when he got off work and talked to him for quite a while as he drove home from work. I told him I think I have a fever but I could still get up and do things. Slowly as the night went on, I felt more and more like crap. I had the chills so I put on warm clothes, got under the comforter, and put the heater by me. At first my fever was like 101.5 but slowly I started to get brain fog and I would zone out. It was weird. I asked Adam if that was normal and he said he thought it was because a fever will make you do that. A little while later, as I was talking to Adam about something, my speech started to slur and the words I was saying weren't coming out as fast as I wanted them to. I got a little nervous. It got worse and worse quickly and within a few minutes I was only getting one word out for my sentences. My mind was calm and I was trying to say things that made sense, but all that came out was either gibberish or one word here and there. I also could barely feel my body. I could move my toes a little bit and my neck and head but that was it. Adam sat me up and I was completely limp. I thought to myself come on! What is wrong with you, just move! But my body wasn't listening to me.
I finally asked Adam to call my dad or his dad to give me a blessing (which sounded like "Call", "Dad" "Bless, Blessing". He called my dad and my dad headed over. He called his mom to find his dad since they're closer to us and his mom said that I was overheated and to put wet rags on me. Adam did that and as he did, my mouth just came to life with a mind of it's own. I was making clicking sounds, I was saying "Goo, gah, wah", etc. I sounded like a little baby. My mind was thinking stop that, that's so embarrassing, what are you doing? Just say what you're trying to say or shut your mouth! But again, my body wouldn't listen. Even when I wasn't trying to say anything, my mouth would make sounds, I couldn't shut up! At that point Adam called an ambulance and they said they'd come. I got out the words "Don't" "Come", because 1, I was scared, and if they came then it would be serious and I wasn't prepared for that. 2. I knew it would be so so expensive so I didn't want to unless it was absolutely necessary. and 3. I had started feeling a tiny bit better since Adam put the cold rags on me so I was pretty sure that that's what it was at that point. The EMT said they would come out for free just to check. They came and did some tests. By the time they got there I was sitting up on my own and I could say a whole sentence if I really tried. I was still talking slow and had to think about my social security number and my birthday for a second when they asked. They weren't sure what happened but they eluded to the fever being the culprit.
My dad came shortly after they left and I was almost back to normal, with a few clicking sounds here and there. My dad gave me a blessing and it made me feel so much better and calm about the whole thing. The next few days were hard on my mind. I had so many questions. What had happened? Why did my body fight against me like that? Can people's bodies just do whatever they want when you're sick sometimes and there's nothing you can do about it? I hated the idea of not having the answers. I hated the idea of not being in control of myself in any way.
I did some research and, of course, the internet told me I was dying. Tumor, aneurism, stroke, oh my. DON'T LOOK UP SYMPTOMS ON THE INTERNET. Rookie mistake. I then found a website where a guy was talking about high anxiety when you have a fever and basically mentioned everything that happened to me. Apparently when you have a fever, you can have a panic attack and that is the result. I still didn't like that. I've had anxiety attacks where I have cried and had a hard time catching my breath but nothing like that. Not even close. I didn't like the idea that what happened was me panicking. But then I remembered that people who have panic attacks can't control them either.
The whole experience was really scary, but also really humbling. As it was happening, I honestly thought I was having a stroke and that I might die. There was a point when I wanted Alice to come over because I wasn't sure what would happen. I wondered if this is what people with disabilities feel like, trapped in their body and their mind is completely active, thinking, processing, but their body is fighting against them. That must be so frustrating and lonely. Wanting to reach out, to say I love you, but you can't. It just made me feel like every problem in my life wasn't that big of a deal. I can hold my babies and tell them I love them. I can walk and dance. It definitely made me feel grateful for my life and made me feel more empathic for people who have to live with that for more than one night.
