"I am"... I said: An Apology

This year has been the hardest year for probably most people...and it's only July.  It all started with Covid19 running ramped and causing a lot of fear and worse, death.  As someone who always likes to be prepared for an emergency, I always thought that if something like this actually happened that I would hunker down and do what I need to do to help others and keep me and my family safe.   I thought I would be careful and wise.  But, that was not my reaction to Covid19.  I was angry.  I was confused.  I was so sure that everyone's reactions were irrational, including the president of our country.  I worried for our economy, the ma and pa businesses, everyone's sanity.  I thought I WAS protecting my family, I thought I WAS being wise.  I thought I WAS being careful.  I thought that our rights were being taken away.  I thought the numbers were not correct.  I believed all of the skeptics who said that masks were the beginning of bigger rights being taken away.

I was very set in this mindset and I have been thinking lately about how I have been feeling the past few months and realized I've been miserable.  I've been more angry and frustrated than I ever have been.  I have felt like I'm on the outside and didn't understand what was going on.  I had distanced myself from others because I felt like I had the answer and didn't even want to hear it.  I didn't want to hear the words "Mask" or "Social Distance".  They just made me angry.  But, if I had the right mindset, the right answer, wouldn't I feel better?  Wouldn't I be exuding happiness and hope?  I definitely wasn't.  So, I did some more self-evaluation.

I was listening to music and heard one of my favorite Neil Diamond songs:  I am... I said.   A part of it goes:

"I am"... I said
To no one there
And no one heard at all
Not even the chair

"I am"... I cried
"I am"... said I
And I am lost and I can't
Even say why
Leavin' me lonely still

Those words struck me.  Hard.  I felt 2 inches tall.  I was screaming and shouting that I wanted my life back.  I was throwing my hands up in the air in frustration because I was so scared.  But what I didn't realize (in it's fullness) is that EVERYONE is terrified.  They just show it in different ways.  My fear was that the world would never get back to where it was.  So my way of coping was just to find reasons to get it back to normal as quickly as possible.  I didn't want to be a part of the "community". I didn't want to "Get through this together".   But that is what we do!  We are humans.  Being on this earth together MAKES us a community and I am a part of that because I am alive.  Community has always been a little, I'm not sure, scary to me.  Or maybe, overwhelming.  But I see now that I acted like a child. I wanted to be taken care of.  On a subconscious level, I obviously thought the world owed me something.  That I didn't have to do my part in order to reap the benefits of the community.  Now, consciously, I didn't think of it that way.  But I can see that I was being very selfish.  It's time to be the adult, the protector, the teacher, the leader.  I am not a child anymore.

So, what, then?  I realized my shortcomings and mistakes...now what?  Well, first, I have to acknowledge that I made a mistake, and apologize for it.  To the world, to humanity, to whoever is bored enough to read this, and to my real self that knows better, I'm sorry.  I am so sorry that I slept while the world worked and feared and suffered.  But, I'm waking up...and getting ready for work.

The last thing that I want to say, is that whether or not masks help, whether or not Covid is 100% of what they say it is, it doesn't really matter.  I've had a very, very hard lesson I've had to learn.  An ugly truth about myself that I was forced to face in this crisis.  In the past, I have gone down the path of dismissing, ignoring, or objecting to an issue that effect others because they don't make sense to me.  Then what happens is that someone I know, or myself experience said issue and only then do I start to understand and be compassionate.  I have done a lot of self-reflection lately and thought about the person I want to be, and that my children would look up to.  I don't want to only care about something when it effects me.  I want to care about people because they're people.  I want to care about issues people are facing because it's the right thing to do.  I want to leave the world better instead of just existing.

Neil Diamond says it very well:  I am lost and I can't even say why.   Leaving me lonely still.  I honestly don't know why I have tended to shy away from community and inclusiveness.  But I've come to an impasse with myself and something's got to give.  At some point you have to ask yourself if you're lonely, why that is.  Distancing yourself is a slippery slope and it leads to a very lonely life.  I'm not going to see what that's like.  I'm turning around and heading for shore.  So, world, I'm here, I'm back, I want to be in the community and I promise to never this lesson I've learned.  I am so grateful that I was given the opportunity to change and that's not too late.  Bob Cratchit, you're getting a raise!

Thanks for reading.

Emily

My Thoughts on Covid19

Well, here we are in 2020, and I wish I could say that hindsight is 2020 right now.  What a scary time we're all going through.  Emotions are running wild, pubs in Ireland are closed, Disney is bare, and New York City is asleep.

I want to start this by saying that I've really been struggling during this time.  Not because I have a crippling fear of getting Coronavirus, not even of my plans being cancelled.  I've been struggling because my gut is telling me something COMPLETELY opposite of what I'm seeing my friends say on social media and the news say on the radio, and Youtube and everywhere else.  And I have felt like I couldn't say anything because I would quickly be labeled as a selfish jerk.  I am a moderately young, healthy person, so I don't get to say anything because if I do, it means I don't care if people die.  Well, I'm done with that.  If you don't know me at all, then you can assume that, that's fine.  If you DO know me, then you should know that I would never act that selfishly IF I BELIEVED THAT LIVING OUR NORMAL LIVES WOULD CAUSE MORE PEOPLE TO DIE.  And that is the point.  I don't believe that.  Okay, here we go. 

When this all started and people were all over the stores, acting like it was Armageddon, it made me super anxious, but not in a scared way.  I felt anxious in an unnecessary way.  A little bit of background on me...I used to be super super into doomsday prepping.  Before my husband and I had kids, that was one of our big hobbies.  We got freeze dried food, we made a 'bug out' plan, we would read apocalyptic scenario cards so that we could mentally prepare for making hard decisions if shit hit the fan.  I thought if or when something happened and people were clearing the shelves, I'd be confident and smart and compliant with the process.  But, none of that was happening.  Here I was, in the middle of a grocery store and people were darting around buying carts full of toilet paper and I just didn't get it.  So, I went home, and thought maybe it's me.  Maybe I didn't understand the gravity of the situation.  So I did research, and more research, and watched the news, and listened to the statistics that have been freaking everyone out daily (and making bank doing it).  But something weird happened, I still didn't buy it.  I didn't know why, I couldn't explain it but my gut was telling me that something was fishy.  Something was off.  Over time I realized some of why I felt this way.  So here are my thoughts, take them or leave them.

Donald Trump, though not my favorite person, is a rational thinker (some might argue to a fault).  While he lacks bedside manner and tact, he is a business man who makes business-like decisions.  This is why it threw me off when Trump went along with the recommendation to shut everything down and to support and encourage a quarantine and social distance.  The Trump we've all come to know, I believe, would have thought with his logical brain and advised those who have underlying health issues and are of a certain age to shelter in place as much as possible and for the rest of us to continue on.  Now, that is not because the rest of us deserve to have a summer vacation and do what we want.  It is because, in addition to the lives of the at-risk people, we also need to worry about an economic collapse.  That may sound unfeeling because one is about life and death and one is about money, but an economic collapse would be just as devastating in the long run.  It makes the most sense that we would salvage what jobs we could, what businesses we could, while people who are most at risk lie low for a little while.  Instead of making masks for everyone and doing grocery pickup for everyone, we could be donating our time and efforts to getting groceries and other necessities to people at-risk who are staying at home.  We could show them our support by entertaining them virtually, doing parades, all of the things we're doing now for each other.  That makes the most logical sense, in my opinion.  And the only thing I can think of as to why Trump didn't go that route was that if he did, he would be bullied out of office.  He would done.  It's an election year, many people don't like Trump and have been trying to have him impeached basically since he got into office.  If he went down that route, he would be labeled as a murderer and a tyrant.

How do I know this would have happened had he chose to keep everything open and advise at-risk people to social distance?  Because it's happened with every business at the beginning.  I saw so many posts on my local Facebook classified group where people were just publicly shaming businesses for staying open, even though they were trying to take safety precautions, just because everywhere else was closing.  I wondered how many businesses were closing because they bought into the fear and how many closed because they were bullied by the community.  Eventually, a lot of them were instructed to close anyway.  But in the beginning, it seemed like a witch hunt.  I was seeing so many cool things happening online.  Museums doing live video feed for free, free book reading from famous people on Youtube, benefit concerts, bear hunts.  Looking online made me feel happy and part of a community of people who were trying to be positive.  But in my real life community?  I saw people glaring at people in the store if it looked like they weren't buying the "essentials".  I saw store workers not allowing someone to buy two things of toilet paper because he was picking one up for his dad.  I saw people not making eye contact with each other, not smiling or acknowledging each other.  I felt like I was in the Twilight Zone!

So, here I am, in the middle of all this and everyone is coming up with fun ways to make quarantining in their house for 2 months straight fun, and I'm like....no.  I am seeing people post on Facebook about how they're adjusting to the "New Normal".  This is NOT the new normal.  And, really, do you want it to be?  Do you really want the new normal to be not being able to go inside a restaurant, to a movie, hang out with your friends, have your kids go to college or travel, go to any concert or big event?  Does that seem like a good new normal?  Why are we SO willing to let this be our new normal?!  Every day I hear on the radio the new death toll and every day, I wonder if those numbers are correct.  I'm hearing doctors coming out and saying that they're getting pressured and paid more to rule a death as a covid death.  I'm hearing scientists say that a lot of people may have already had the Coronavirus a few months ago before it all blew up and just didn't know it.  I'm hearing friends say that they know people who are feeling symptoms but aren't allowed to get tested because they don't have underlying health issues.  I don't know what to think!  But I'll tell you what, at this point, I'm taking everything with a grain of salt.  Even the info from our trusted government officials, scientists, and our favorite media outlets, who have no ulterior motive or reason to fear monger....right?

I remember about 7 years ago, I was at work and a coworker of mine was telling me about a little test that would determine if you were liberal or conservative.  I was intrigued because I am a bit of both.  I don't tend to fall completely in one group or the other.  If it matters, he was very liberal.  So, here's the test.  There is a really unique, endangered bird that has a nest in a tree.  He is beautiful and very special.  Right by this tree, there is a large building where numerous people work every day.  Over time, the fumes from the building have started to negatively affect the bird's health.  So, there's a decision to make.  Do you move the endangered, rare bird?  Or do you shut down the building and move the numerous people working there?  Without hesitation, I said I would move the bird.  Moving one living thing is easier and more logical than moving numerous.  According to the test, I'm a conservative.  I tell about that test, not because I am blaming this all on the liberals, but because this situation is much like that test.  I feel like everyone is yelling to shut down the building and move all of the people, and I'm sitting there, like...did I miss something?

The last thing that is really bothering me, is the fear mongering in the media.  I'm not naive enough to think that the Coronavirus in an of itself is a conspiracy.  I don't think there's that many corrupt people in leadership positions that someone wouldn't have pointed them out by now.  I know it's real and I know people are dying from it.  But, I wonder if we have all of the info.  I wonder if the CDC is going to swoop in as the hero in a few months with a vaccine that everyone has to get.  I wonder if there are agendas that are being pushed because they can name Coronavirus as their scapegoat.  It seems like the media just took this and RAN with it.  Their job is to create a good, dramatic story.  That is what makes them money.  If there's anyone we should take at face value, it's the media.  On both political sides.  I tend to think both political parties look for holes in the other and it gets old.  Neither are ever 100% right in their accusations of each other.  So, believe me, this is not to point fingers at a specific political party.  In fact, I tend to believe that our country was not designed to have two polarizing parties and that it's absurd to think we function like that. But that's another subject for another time.

In conclusion, I am sick of people, like me, feeling like we can't say when something doesn't feel right, because we are eaten alive by the terrified zombies that are eating this stuff up.  And, if you took Zombie as an insult, it's not your fault.  We are brought up to believe our leaders and scientists. We are raised that we must do what's right and help others and we are being told that sheltering in place is helping others.  So, of course everyone is following, that makes sense.  But WHAT IF, it's not helping others, what if it's hurting all of us?  What if it's causing more harm than good?  What would that say about those we place our trust in?  Sometimes, your gut is right.  It can't be explained or analyzed.  So I will play the game, I will do grocery pick up and only use my debit card, not travel.  It's not worth the fight right now.  But my gut is screaming at me that there is something not right here.  I don't know why, but I just don't buy what they're selling.  Not for a second.  We'll see what happens.