Millennnials, Decisions, and Ownership

In my opinion, there are few things more dangerous to your personal growth and happiness than deciding that your happiness depends on someone or something other than you. Through the ages, we as a people have grown so much in so many ways.  But, and I can say this because I am technically a "Millennial", there was one huge error.  If you look at the difference between the 50's and now, kids had more respect and were taught to work their guts out, because the world didn't owe them anything. The following are the fallacies I have noticed that we as a millennial general suffer from as a whole.
Lazy Work
As a country, we have so much more at our fingertips than people did back then, and that technology and knowledge allows to work smarter and not harder (which is what the financial gurus strongly encourage from time to time). While I understand the benefits of this philosophy, it can be rather like a gateway drug, if you will, to laziness. I have worked with so many intelligent people, that I get so stoked about because they get it, just really get it, and then they shock me one day when they take a huge shortcut, that had way more risks associated than benefits. What I can't stand about these types of people is that they start with small risks, and they usually come out alright because they got lucky or they can talk their way out of trouble. Then, they take those "Wins" as a sign that they are invincible on some level, so they feel more comfortable taking bigger risks.  Eventually they crash hard and it completely catches them off guard because they felt so in control of the situation.  Bottom line is:  The best combination of qualities to try to acquire are Knowledge AND wisdom. If you only have wisdom, then you'll make great decisions, but you won't know how to actually follow through with them.  But as a culture, we have everything right at our fingertips, we can find pretty much anything without working too hard for it.  If you are hungry, there's a McDonalds 3 blocks away. If you're hot, you can go to a pool down the road. If you're sad, there are aisles and aisles of wonderful, heart-attack inducing foods that will provide you with a band aid for the time being.

Responsibility
I've definitely seen this one - people spending their money and stuff they don't need, then begging for what they really need. But this cannot all be blamed on the individual. I say that not to provide a scapegoat, but to understand the origin of where these behaviors seem to come from, and more importantly, figure out a way to break free. In school, how many of us were taught how to use a credit card? Anybody? Buehler? Well, I definitely didn't, and I've never met anyone who did, so if your school taught you that, that is awesome, tell them great job! Our generation as a whole, didn't grow up with a whole lot of knowledge on credit and loans and all of that junk, albeit important junk, you need to understand when you become an adult. But kids these days - if they want to go to college but they can't afford it, they take out student loans.  If they can't buy groceries - they live off of their credit card or student loans. I know not all students are like this, but there are many different variations of this "Bail me out" routine.  In my opinion, a huge part of this stemmed from this movement, around the 90s-2000s, that claims "This is who I am, I won't change for anyone." This movement came from a very great place and made a huge difference in the overall confidence of our generation when we were vulnerable teens trying to figure out who we are. But, as it usually happens, something not-so-healthy started.  The very confident statement of saying you are comfortable with who you are, and you don't need to change your personality just because you want others to accept you -- slowly became "I am me, and I will not change, and you just need to cram it."  Which became a scapegoat for people who were rude, inconsiderate, etc.  Why change who you are?  Because we are human beings who are growing older, more wrinkly, and hopefully wiser. Because to succeed in anything in life, you need to be willing to adapt and evolve. Because as a human race who from time to time interact with other people, we have to be willing to pick our battles, compromise, and try to be tolerable, in exchange for the same courtesies extended back to us. We are an evolving species - period. Now, should people tell you how you should change and force you to be like them? Of course not. But the very statement that you do not need to change who you are, can be dangerous, if only to your subconscious, because you are telling yourself this, and your mind does what you tell it to do. At the time when we are at our laziest, most entitled, and selfish as a country, you can still make the decision to be more, to glue your head to your shoulders and be a responsible adult, because it is the most logical thing to do and will improve your relationships with others.

Boredom
This one is pretty simple. I feel so bad for kids these days, because they have everything they could ever want. WHAT? What did I just say? Isn't that the dream? No, it's not.  Kids have Tablets, Iphones, computers, with access to social media, search engines, videos, games, pictures, anything you could ever want. They can sit in a waiting room and entertain themselves for hours if they needed to. What is sad about that? What's sad is that they don't know how to be in the present moment.  They never just get to sit in silence and look around the room at their surrounds and people they're sitting next to.  The other part of it is, the day they forget their phone at home, is the worst day ever, because they don't know what to do with themselves. They are constantly stimulated and so going without it is torture. It's like that with everything. If people want something greasy to eat, there are at least a dozen places that will happily fulfill that request, and usually within three minutes, because heaven forbid we are kept waiting. I have been in this whirlwind, and it's not a fun place to be. You're constantly having to have something in the background, you can't drive in the car without music, working in silence is torture because it's so boring, it's hard to fall asleep if it's silent.  Being in that whirlwind and then trying to train your brain to really be in and experience the present moment and interact with people who are there with you, is REALLY hard, even as an adult. Imagine how much harder it is for a kid that doesn't have the self discipline or the right frame of mind yet. Kids are constantly stimulated at home and then sent to school where their teachers expect them to sit in a chair, be quiet, and work. This is torture!  Do we change the schools to make them more stimulating? No, we teach and show children how to live in the moment that they're in, and teach them how to be social and interact with others.  As I stated above, we are all on this planet together, and occasionally have to interact - give kids a good foundation of social intelligence. 

My parting thought is that we, as the newer generation are capable of SO much, let's be honest. But we also need to draw some of our wisdom from our elders, because they got this fair and did pretty well. They were taught to work for what you want, to not settle because it's easier, to not quit because you're tired.  The more our generation can work on our social and emotional intelligence, the more amazing we can be and we can actually reach our full potential.

Home

So, today I was feeling tired.  Tired of always going over all of the things I've never done or started but not finished in my head over and over again.  There are so many other emotions I was feeling today but that was the dominant one.  When I got home from work, I was thinking about how beautiful it was outside and that I should go on a hike.  To save time, instead of listing them all, I'll just say that my mind came up with every possible excuse not to go and to just hang out and "relax".  I put the quotation marks because usually "relaxing" is me trying to relax, but I end up feeling guilty for not doing something productive so it's actually just stressful.  ANYWAY...I finally just got in my car and went.  I've been on this hike before so I was familiar with the trail but this time was different, I was alone.  I brought my emergency bag with me just in case.  Apart from having a couple of people pass me, I was alone the whole time. The hike was hard and I definitely was not in shape, but the view was beautiful.  I was going to bring my Ipod, but I'm so glad that I didn't.  It was just me and the mountain.

Something interesting that I noticed, was that I had to completely trust myself.  If I started to panic at all, I would lose my focus and often times my grip on the trail.  There were a few parts that were scary and the thought entered my mind a few times that if I slipped and something happened, no one would be around.  But I had to quickly get re-direct my mind because that mindset didn't help me at all.  During the scary areas, I kept saying "We got this", instinctively speaking to my mind and body because I knew that they had to work together to keep me safe.  Sometimes my body wanted to just run in an area because it looked safe, and other times it wanted to keep pushing even though it knew I needed a break.  Sometimes my mind would overwhelm me with negative thoughts about what could happen or how this was not a good idea. They had to balance each other out and give each other pep talks, so to speak.

I think the coolest part about my evening was when I was gone. I got in  my car and was so relieved.  The fatigue was definitely part of it, but a large part of my relief came from knowing that I was headed back into Logan and I would be around people.  I missed having someone there to talk to and share stories with. I think I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it, and that I could depend on myself. And I did! And it was great! But I realized when I got in my car and no one was around that just because you CAN do it alone, doesn't mean you should.  I think it's easy to romanticize living the life of a gypsy (as I call it).  The life of popping in and out and disappearing whenever you want, not having roots and not letting anyone really get to know you.  For some, that sounds crazy, but for me and some others, it really sounds great sometimes.  Now I'm getting into what my blog post the other day was about, so you can read that for more about this subject.  But anyway, it's easy to romanticize being alone, but when you're really REALLY alone, it's nothing like what you thought it would be like.  It may sound like I'm being dramatic because people are alone all the time, but are we?  When I'm at home, I'm with Adam or the dogs and I'm on FB or Netflix. When I'm at work or anywhere in public, I'm obviously not alone.  There have only been a couple times in my life when I have felt completely alone, both very powerful experiences for me.  I don't know if that's unusual or not, but in this day and age, I doubt it.

When I drove out of the canyon, the sun was setting and I saw USU and the Island, Smith's Marketplace, and people walking around town.  I was struck with a really powerful feeling that I almost don't want to share because it was so personal, but I will.  I was struck with the feeling that I was home.  Home has always been an hard word for me because I moved to Utah when I was 13 and have never felt like Utah was home.  At the same time, every time I go back to Oregon, I feel out of place.  Like this wasn't my home anymore.  I know "Home" doesn't seem like a big deal it doesn't really matter, but I honestly believe it's at the core of all of our conceptions about what home is and determines when and how each of us puts down roots.  I think that the reason it seems weird is because most people feel that feeling subconsciously.  Well, I was struck with that feeling tonight that Logan was home and I started crying, it was so strong.  To be even sappier, I think the kid in me is finally coming home and feeling comfortable somewhere.  I just typed the word comfortable without cringing.  Things are definitely shifting.

Loneliness

It's really hard for me to write blog posts. I like to share stories and lessons I've learned, but they're so random and personal that I never think they'll reach anyone. But, I have to think hopefully they will because I know I've read others blog posts and really learn a lot about them and whatever it is that's happening in my life.  I also don't like to share things if I don't have it all figured out in my mind (which is weird because that will never happen..). SO, here's a fair warning that this will be unorganized and may not have a conclusive ending.  

I've been thinking a lot lately about loneliness.  Apart from being physically alone, loneliness is a very illusive word.  People can interpret it different ways and it can be felt walking in the middle of nowhere or in a crowded club with blaring music and friends all around you.  So why is that? How can we feel lonely when we're not physically alone?  Well, here's what my experience has been.  It started at a very young age.  I always wanted to be grown up, I really didn't like being a kid. I wanted to go to work, make money, eat what I want, and do what I want.  I was the youngest child of 7 and my two older sisters were really close, as well as my two older brothers.  I spent most of my time with my best friend.  I remember having really cool assignments in class and almost finishing them, then losing motivation and giving up.  These three very random stories are examples of times when I would run, even at a young age.


In high school, I tried out for the basketball team, and went the first day but skipped out on the second day because it was too hard.  I didn't want to look like an idiot if I put everything into it and it ended up not being good enough.  I tried out for a high school musical but I didn't prepare, so I didn't get in.  I failed a lot of classes and had to repeat them, barely graduating high school. When I was 17 I started having panic attacks every once in a while and started taking anxiety medication. I thought I was too young to deal with anxiety, so I didn't. I lived on autopilot for two years and didn't let anyone close to me at all.  I didn't want them to figure me out before I could.


It wasn't until I left town and moved somewhere new that I was able to take a second look at my life and realize that I wasn't even living. I was just going through the motions.  When I met Adam, I was finally coming into a good place, but it hasn't been easy.  All of the sudden I had to let him, my family, and a whole new family in, and I was not used to that, at all.  And let me clarify, when I say let people in, I mean into my heart and thoughts and all things real.  I talk do on the surface talk with anyone.  There have still been things that I have "failed", and there continue to be those things.  But here's what I'm thinking:   Loneliness comes from the barrier you put between you and someone/something else.   I would hazard to guess that almost every barrier between me and the people who have been or are in my life are there because I put them there.  It's when start overthinking and assume that everyone else's mind is clear and concise and makes rational decisions all day every day.  And we all know that's a load of...anyway.


Along with that, I read a quote:  Rule of thumb: The more important a call or action is to our soul’s evolution, the more Resistance we will feel toward pursuing it.  I definitely agree with this statement.  I also know that before we submit to call or action we are resisting, we put ourselves through absolute hell to resist it.  There's denial, "I don't need to fix the way I do this, it's fine".  Then there's excuses "Well, if that was rude, she kind of deserved it".  And finally at some point, you realize that resisting this takes way more energy then actually doing it. And you know in your soul, that it is right. Super cheesy, but it's true.  Sometimes we just get scared. I'm scared of doing the real work that it takes to be really good at something.  I'm scared of the greatness that could be inside of me, and the responsibility that brings with it.  I'm scared of attention and pressure. But that's resistance, that's not me.  And the resistance is only there because I know how important it is.  Also, when we give into our resistance (because we're human and it happens), guilt inevitably follows.  And that guilt can make us guard ourselves from other opportunities and other people who want to help us.  
So in conclusion, I think that we can feel loneliness anywhere, if we're resisting something.  That can be a relationship, a job, a situation, anything.  That resistance is present for a reason. The more resistance, usually, the more important it is.  And when we give in to our resistances every once in a while (notice I said when), the resisting part of us wants us to hide and shrink and, let me tell you, that's not a fun place to be.  When you're stuck in your mind and you don't let anyone in, you may think it's safe, but it's just sad.  The most fulfillment comes from relating to, sharing with, and helping other people.  That's when you're really living.

Musings

A few things I've been thinking about lately, and in the style that my brain processes them..

Fear:  I often hear people say that the biggest thing people fear is failure. The "Better to have loved and lost..." is the go-to quote for the failure pep talk.  But I think there are so many other reasons that people fear doing, knowing, and becoming.  There are so many things I want to do and become in my life, and I know that they will make me happier, but I'm scared out of my mind to do them.  Barring a full analysis of my brain patterns, I'll just have to make guesses.  It could be that I fear getting to a point of no return. That I won't be able to claim innocence anymore. I  went caving once, by protest, and the whole time I was thinking that I would go a little further, and I can always turn around whenever I want.  Well, I did pretty good and got pretty far in before I decided I had had enough. When I announced I was going back, my friend told me that I couldn't go back, the only way out was going forward. That was a horrible feeling.  There have been times in my life where I've had similar feelings (less dangerous but still scary). It's weird, I have a feeling that when I open my heart and my mind, the flood gates will open and knowledge, self-discovery, and love will come pouring in.  Sounds wonderful right?  It should be.  It also could be (and I'm sure part of it is) laziness.  I don't have the insight to see the bigger picture, so I'm just always thinking of the present moment and what the present version of me wants in that moment. And everything that's consuming my time and attention are distractions from the real stuff.  I haven't figured out this one yet, but it's interesting.

Self Talk:  I didn't realize until lately that I am a negative person.  I did a little experiment the other day.  I was at the UPS store, waiting for my husband to get done printing something and I was looking around outside. I decided at one point to recall the last three thoughts I had had. I had to think about it for a minute because I wasn't conscious of the thoughts I had been having.  First:  I looked at the grocery store with the Free Flu Shot sign on it and had thought Flu shots are such a scam, all the flu shot does is give people the flu. Second:  I looked at the sign that said "Pharmacy" on it and thought:  The pharmacy:  Sad place, where people who are sick go. Lastly:  I saw the lamp post in the street and thought:  The reason we have street lamps: Because of all the crimes and murders that happen.  Why else would we need to light the road" The last one especially stopped me in my tracks. How sad!  Three things that could very easily be seen as wonderful things! How much does self talk change who you are and how hard you work? A lot.  The days that I decide to be a "product of my circumstances" or feel justified in the way I treat people because of the day I've had, the days I decide that I'm not as smart, pretty, or capable as others, I always get less done and feel worse at the end of the day. I heard a quote in a Ted Talk that was "Fake it until you become it." I'm realizing that people generally don't scrutinize you NEAR as much as you scrutinize yourself, so don't make it a thing!  Try your hardest and be okay with where that puts you at the end of the day, because it may not seem like it day to day, but you'll look back and realize you're so much further along than you were.

Some of my musings from this weekend.  I'd love to hear your thoughts on the subject!

  

My Current Dilemma

When I was kid, growing up in a small town, I would sit on my roof and watch the sunset and listen to the train pass through the town.  The town I lived in was a town that most people only knew because they had stayed there one night on their way from one place to another. I was so jealous of them. I had this strange jealousy come over me every time my older sister and her family would leave after coming for Christmas. I felt stuck. I was a tad dramatic,yes...but to be fair, I was 10-11 years old.  My friend and I would always play "Work." Our favorite career choice was secret agents. We had boyfriends who we were always trying to balance with work, but work always won.  I was Agent Cobra, in case you wanted to know.  The reason I'm telling you this is because I had BIG dreams. I wanted to move to a big, big city and work in an office and live a fast lifestyle. Okay, those aren't that big of dreams, but I digress. As I grew up, those dreams simmered down a little bit, as they often do when we grow up.  Of course, I wanted to be a mother, but I'd be lying if I said it was at the forefront of my mind when it came to aspirations.

Skip to today, the dilemma I face is that I want to have kids and raise my kids, but I also don't want to give up working.  I want to work but I definitely don't want a nanny there 24-7 raising my kids  Whether it's right or not, there is a lot of pressure on women in the circles I run in to have kids and be stay a home mom.  It's just kind of expected.  The problem is, when you grow up just like everyone else and you go to school imagining how everything you learn will help you in your future career and dream job, it's not so easy to give that stuff up...and I know it sounds selfish, but I'm not willing to.  To be honest, it always weirded me out when I met mothers who didn't have any time for themselves and they just gave up EVERYTHING for their children. I know I'm not a parent, so..you know, burn me at the stake here, but...that seems over the top to me.  I don't think it's human nature to be that selfless. It sounds cynical, and maybe it is, but there has to be SOMETHING that is yours and yours alone or it won't last. You will burn out and be angry and resentful, at least I know I would.   So what is the balance?  Can you raise kids and still have a career (outside the home - because let's be real...)?  Can you have kids and still find time to do hobbies that you love?  I think so, I just don't know how it would work.  But, WHEN I have kids and somehow figure it out, I will post about it and share with my other non-parent friends who are also scared of jumping into the world of parenthood because they are afraid of losing themselves.  So, to the already-parents who both work, how do you do it?   I want to hear some success stories.

If I Could - Harrison

About five years ago, I met a man named Harrison.  Honestly, I think he was a kid trapped in a man’s body.  He loved techno music, went to raves, experimented in a lot of things, and just always seemed to move a mile a minute.  He told me that he never wanted to ever settle down and would always live a fast paced life.  I think what attracted me to Harrison as a person, was that we were very similar. Our lifestyles were different, but our minds seemed to be similar. At that point in my life, I was figuring out who I was. I was trying to move on from a lot of things I had not dealt with, and I was constantly trying to find distractions to help me avoid dealing with them.  

When I met Harrison, he seemed to be in the same boat. We didn’t talk much about the things that mattered, I wish we would have.  But I was able to pick up on a lot from the conversations we did have.  The first night we met, we were sitting in his room and his room was filled with memorabilia from concerts and other things that he liked.  He told me about all of the crazy and exciting things he had done. After a while, he pulled out an acoustic guitar. He started to play the song “If I Could” by Jack Johnson.  His face completely changed, his whole body changed. He played this beautiful song and was so calm and passionate about it.  I thought to myself, if he can suddenly calm his mind and cast away his anxiety to create beauty like that, there was hope for me. After that night, I always thought of that experience when I felt really anxious and felt like I would never be able to enjoy anything because my mind was always racing. 

I still don’t know how to explain the effect that him playing this song had on me.  He was able to connect with people on any level.  We were so different, yet he was able to reach me.  Harrison passed away this weekend.  I wasn’t his best friend, or even a really good friend. But I will always remember this experience and the conversations we had.  Harrison was one of the most deep and thoughtful people I had ever met.  He had an amazing gift of communicating without saying a word.  Thinking of the words of that Jack Johnson song,  “I’ll miss my old friend. And though you’ve got to go, we’ll keep a piece of your soul.”   I hope you know that you greatly affected my life. I would tell you that right now, If only I could.   I’ll always remember you

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nEUG_ilddms

One Little Part Of Me

I never know how to start blog posts and I always feel like I'm being dramatic or causing too many waves when I think of posting personal things about me on the web.  I've thought about it over and over and wondered what could come of me sharing stories and feelings? Could someone hack my information? Could someone start stalking me because they think they know me?   Then I think, well I'll just post the important stuff and leave some details out, that way I know I'm not sharing too much. This is the thought process of someone with an Anxiety Disorder. At least, that's the thought process I have.  So, let me preface this by saying that this post is not about drawing attention to my weaknesses, because, frankly, I'm sick of giving my anxiety the attention that it gets in my mind.  I wanted to write something because, in my life, Anxiety was really hard to get used to once I found out that I had it. I felt like a freak, I felt like a shut in, and I felt helpless (I still do sometimes).  The reason why I felt these oh-so-wonderful feelings is because Anxiety, Depression, Bipolar, OCD, and many other mental illnesses were all so taboo when I was growing up.  Not necessarily in my family, but in school and in life. If someone didn't join the group and wanted to play alone, they were weird.  If someone was scared to sleep in their own at night, they were crazy.  I wrote this post in an attempt to reach out to anyone suffering from a mental illness (I hate the term mental illness but whatever) and give them hope that it gets better as time goes on. I am in no way free of Anxiety but I've realized a lot of things along the way that have given me strength.  So, here's my story. I would love to hear others' stories,if you would like to share.

When I was a kid I was pretty cautious.  When other kids or one of my siblings got sick, I'd make it a point to play outside all day. I was terrified of getting the flu. Every time I had it, I would cry and cry and it was traumatizing.  Later I'd learn that throwing up was traumatizing for a lot of kids but that most of them grow out of it, and it took me until I was 21 years to be able to feel okay about getting the flu. Even still I get anxious about it.  But my biggest fear when I was a kid was that I was going to be kidnapped.  I remember lying in my bed one night sometime around Christmas and I could hear the lights banging up against the the house from the wind.  I thought that sound was two men walking up a ladder to come and grab me.  I would actually make up things in my mind to feel better like that one of the guys forgot something and had to climb back down. I would eventually fall asleep and nothing ever happened.  Looking back, I knew that stuff wasn't real even then.  Why would I make up reasons that the bad guys couldn't get all the way up the ladder if I honestly believed that they would? Another time I made a poster that said "Emily is in China" so that the bad guys would think I wasn't there.  I would sleep all the way under my covers and try to lay completely flat so that it looked like no one was in the bed.  Anyway, as a kid, this was really hard for me because I felt so stupid. All of my friends slept in their beds just fine, all of my siblings were sleeping in their beds, and I was either sleeping on the floor next to my parents' bed or sleeping in the living room while watching a movie.

As I got older, it got easier. By the time I was twelve I could sleep in my own room as long as a movie was playing until I fell asleep.  I didn't really notice anything different about myself in high school, I felt pretty normal except for the fact that I had horrible grades. It was really hard for me to do my homework because I would get really frustrated and give up. I don't know if that had anything to do with Anxiety but looking back, I can see how it could have.  So...big turning point..

It was my senior year of high school and I was dating this guy that I had met through my brother. He and I had been dating about a month or so and we went and visited a landmark a couple hours away for a date.  We had been holding hands all night and had kissed at the end of the night.  Well, the next morning he told me that he had come down with something and had been throwing up non stop since the early morning. All of the sudden, I felt like I was going to throw up. I stayed home from school because I honestly thought I had gotten something from him, after all we were together all night. Well, I never ended up throwing up and I felt fine...until the next day I started noticing that at night I would start to feel really sick.  Then I would go to sleep, wake up fine and go to school. Then a few hours later it would start again.  Eventually I went to the doctor and he couldn't figure out what was wrong.  He thought it was Irritable Bowel Syndrome, maybe a milk intolerance, and a number of other things.  I got very used to getting my blood drawn.  Since I felt sick all the time, it was even harder than usual to study and do homework. But it was my senior year and I wasn't going to graduate unless I worked my butt off. My boyfriend at the time was really patient and our dates were usually hanging out at my house because I always felt sick.

The pressure built up more and more the closer graduation came and the cliff of uncertainty looming soon after.  My boyfriend and I were getting more and more serious and I was really scared that we were going to get married before I had a chance to go to college and do all of those things that every 18 year old thinks they want. So eventually we broke up and it was really hard on both of us because we wanted to be together and so that was stressing me out even more. On top of that, I found out a few days before graduation that I was going to graduate, something I hadn't mentioned to any of my friends because I was so mortified.  And then it happened - my first panic attack.  It was soon after the break up and I was talking to my parents about him, and school, and how my body was ruining everything and all of the sudden, I felt like I couldn't breathe.  It was the scariest feeling I had ever felt and couldn't stop crying or gasping for air.  Since it's not something that you really are tested for, it took my doctor a while to realize what it was. But after extensive questions about the past, my health and behavior, he diagnosed me with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I asked him what that was and he said that some people have specific phobias, mine is more general. Of course, I took that as You're afraid of everything.      

For the next two years, I didn't really do much about my anxiety.  I lived on my own and whatever I was afraid of, I could run from.  Relationships that I was afraid of, I could run from.  And I did.  In fact, it wasn't until right before I got married that all of those things caught up to me.  I had warned my husband before we got married that I had anxiety but he and I had no idea how much anxiety would begin to unfold.  I had held it in and run from it for so long, that it all came out in one big wave. I suddenly had to face the things that terrified me and the relationships that terrified me. Poor guy had to deal with my random sob fests about absolutely nothing at all, hear me go on and on about things happen in the world that really freak me out, hear me have a mini panic attack when I thought I was about to throw up.  Thank goodness, it got better over time. I no longer freak out if I get sick (maybe a little in my mind), and I've come to realize a lot of truths about life and love and how things work. But I continue to have an amazing husband who is patient with me and more important, knows me, and knows that my anxiety is just a little part of who I am.  I've seen counselors, I've been on medication, I've tried yoga, and learned some really inspiring life lessons.  So,  from this point in my life, these are my tips for people with Anxiety and anyone with a mental illness (if it applies)....


Know that you are not aloneI didn't think that I was alone in this disorder, but I definitely didn't know it was as common as it is.  I used to think that being strong was hiding all of the stuff you don't like and boasting about the things you do like. But I've come to see that as as the lie that it is. I compared myself to others that I thought had such "perfect" lives for so long and then, funny thing happens, they grow up. They start sharing their problems and you get to see the whole them, which is much better than only a small part.  Others, even if they aren't comfortable or ready to share, are going through a lot of the same things.  Talk to the people in your life that have been for you and that you feel you can trust, those people will never look at you differently and will always stick around. 
Talk -- to anyone
I always felt like there was a stigma with talking to a counselor.  In marriage, if you talk to a counselor, a lot of people see that as a last step before divorce.  If you're single and seek counseling, it looks like there is something wrong with you.  Just forget all of the dopes that don't know any better and just go in to talk. I always felt like talking to friends or family was somehow burdening them or that they would get sick of me talking because...I can go on for days.....really.   So, for me, It was a comfort just having someone who had a reason to be there (they were getting paid) and that was trained on how to respond to me.   If you don't have health insurance, seek out counseling assistance through your community or religious affiliation.  And if you cant talk to a counselor, talk to someone close to you, or get online and there are forums and groups you can join to talk to.
It doesn't have to be as hardSometimes I just so discouraged with my Anxiety. It's a constant battle of winning and losing. My counselor once told me "You will have anxiety for the rest of your life." I appreciated that so much because it put my in a very real place. I can always try, and there are many ways of managing anxiety. But there is no cure for anxiety. However, there are foods that have been found to help Anxiety naturally, as well as exercises like Yoga that are supposed to help as well.  My counselors always talked about learning to breathe right and I've tried doing it when I was having a panic attack and it actually worked.  There are also anxiety medications that you can try.  When I was on medication, I was able to learn a lot of things and develop habits that I couldn't while I wasn't on medication.  Do your research, talk to your doctor. Just know that you don't have to feel stuck or doomed. There is no harm in trying new things that will help you.You are NOT your anxietyYour anxiety is not you.  Hardest lesson I've ever had to learn. And I forget it all the time.  I realized that I want to be social, I want to jump off bridges and go for runs at night and heck, I'd be a vigilante because they're so amazing if I could.  What stops me isn't me, it's my anxiety.  It's real, it's a chemical imbalance in your brain, it is not who you are and you are so so SO much bigger than it.  You have talents and gifts and opportunities to teach others and grow as a person in wisdom. That is what people will remember about you. And that is what you should focus on when you are feeling discouraged.Reach out to othersThis one is really important to me.  There were so many people that I found out had mental illnesses after years of knowing them and I was blown away.  We could've spent those years talking and becoming even closer as friends.  We could've learned from each  other and helped each other.  Obviously,  people aren't always up to sharing their stories. It's insanely hard, hence the reason I'm writing this now and not years ago.  But if you're someone like me that was so afraid to have people look at you differently or think you're weird in some way, just know that there are people out there that could always read your story, your downfalls and triumphs.   I know I would love to hear your story and learn from you and become that much closer to you as a friend.

Oh, and most importantly, It always gets better.  There are so many things that used to be roadblocks in my life and with time and hard work (hard work meaning trying to stay positive), those things have become so much smaller.

Thanks to everyone in my life, whether we're that close or not, for the very personal and unique friendship that I have with you.  I am so lucky to have such a great support system.