One Year

One year ago yesterday, my friend passed away.  I wrote a blog post about it and what an awesome  person he was. Today I want to write about what transpired after he passed away, as it was easily one of the biggest stepping stones in my own development as a human being.  Harrison and I were friends, not the best of friends, but friends none the less. Because of this, I knew I would be sad about him passing but I didn't think I would feel the way I ended up feeling.  At first it was just shock, that someone that I knew, who was living and breathing 24 hours ago is not anymore.  Then it was genuine sadness, for his family, for the world.  Then slowly I went into a dark place that I had never been before.  I felt completely hopeless and disconnected from what was going on around me.  It got to a point where I didn't want to be alone because my mind went places it wasn't used to and I felt like I couldn't stop it.  I felt completely powerless.  Well, a few days into this, I came home from work and Adam wasn't home, he had taken the dogs somewhere and I was alone.  I tried to just power through and do what I needed to do around the house, but this heavy, dark cloud wouldn't leave.  I looked outside and it was a beautiful day and there were people walking outside. I thought, I feel like I'm in a different reality, like I'm not even a part of what is happening and everything seems contradictory.  As a desperate attempt to turn off my mind, I turned on some music.  Not the type of music you sit and ponder life to, dancing music.  I remember closing my eyes and making myself dance around the kitchen.  At first it seem to anything, and then I realized I was crying.  There have been often times where I have felt disconnected, to my feelings, to my emotions, to everyone.  But this was such a cool, personal moment that was just mine, and all of me was present, in that moment, not holding anything back.  

So why am I sharing one of my most personal and intimate moments with you? Well, because I firmly believe that if this happened to me,  it may have happened to you, in some degree or another.  Anxiety, depression, all of those fun backpacks we get to carry around sometimes,  make us think welte alone, that it's hopeless, that we can't let people in, or ourselves in.  I've always known that depression was real, but I never really felt it in my life until this day. I've been sad, but never depressed, like this.  But I could imagine what it would be like and it scared me to think of being in such a dark place.  But it happened, and it may again in my lifetime.  But as long as you push back and force yourself to do the perverbial dance that will bring you back to yourself, you'll be okay.  And  even if you don't think you can do that,  your body does, and your heart does.  

Because I knew Harrison, I fel confident saying that he was there that afternoon, that he's helping people come out of their own darkness and face themselves, then start living again.  I bet he's jamming out to some sweet music and has his friends and family on speed dial to help them. I know he was there that day with me. 

Harrison, we were friends, but I think we became better friends that day.  Thanks.  

Home

So, today I was feeling tired.  Tired of always going over all of the things I've never done or started but not finished in my head over and over again.  There are so many other emotions I was feeling today but that was the dominant one.  When I got home from work, I was thinking about how beautiful it was outside and that I should go on a hike.  To save time, instead of listing them all, I'll just say that my mind came up with every possible excuse not to go and to just hang out and "relax".  I put the quotation marks because usually "relaxing" is me trying to relax, but I end up feeling guilty for not doing something productive so it's actually just stressful.  ANYWAY...I finally just got in my car and went.  I've been on this hike before so I was familiar with the trail but this time was different, I was alone.  I brought my emergency bag with me just in case.  Apart from having a couple of people pass me, I was alone the whole time. The hike was hard and I definitely was not in shape, but the view was beautiful.  I was going to bring my Ipod, but I'm so glad that I didn't.  It was just me and the mountain.

Something interesting that I noticed, was that I had to completely trust myself.  If I started to panic at all, I would lose my focus and often times my grip on the trail.  There were a few parts that were scary and the thought entered my mind a few times that if I slipped and something happened, no one would be around.  But I had to quickly get re-direct my mind because that mindset didn't help me at all.  During the scary areas, I kept saying "We got this", instinctively speaking to my mind and body because I knew that they had to work together to keep me safe.  Sometimes my body wanted to just run in an area because it looked safe, and other times it wanted to keep pushing even though it knew I needed a break.  Sometimes my mind would overwhelm me with negative thoughts about what could happen or how this was not a good idea. They had to balance each other out and give each other pep talks, so to speak.

I think the coolest part about my evening was when I was gone. I got in  my car and was so relieved.  The fatigue was definitely part of it, but a large part of my relief came from knowing that I was headed back into Logan and I would be around people.  I missed having someone there to talk to and share stories with. I think I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it, and that I could depend on myself. And I did! And it was great! But I realized when I got in my car and no one was around that just because you CAN do it alone, doesn't mean you should.  I think it's easy to romanticize living the life of a gypsy (as I call it).  The life of popping in and out and disappearing whenever you want, not having roots and not letting anyone really get to know you.  For some, that sounds crazy, but for me and some others, it really sounds great sometimes.  Now I'm getting into what my blog post the other day was about, so you can read that for more about this subject.  But anyway, it's easy to romanticize being alone, but when you're really REALLY alone, it's nothing like what you thought it would be like.  It may sound like I'm being dramatic because people are alone all the time, but are we?  When I'm at home, I'm with Adam or the dogs and I'm on FB or Netflix. When I'm at work or anywhere in public, I'm obviously not alone.  There have only been a couple times in my life when I have felt completely alone, both very powerful experiences for me.  I don't know if that's unusual or not, but in this day and age, I doubt it.

When I drove out of the canyon, the sun was setting and I saw USU and the Island, Smith's Marketplace, and people walking around town.  I was struck with a really powerful feeling that I almost don't want to share because it was so personal, but I will.  I was struck with the feeling that I was home.  Home has always been an hard word for me because I moved to Utah when I was 13 and have never felt like Utah was home.  At the same time, every time I go back to Oregon, I feel out of place.  Like this wasn't my home anymore.  I know "Home" doesn't seem like a big deal it doesn't really matter, but I honestly believe it's at the core of all of our conceptions about what home is and determines when and how each of us puts down roots.  I think that the reason it seems weird is because most people feel that feeling subconsciously.  Well, I was struck with that feeling tonight that Logan was home and I started crying, it was so strong.  To be even sappier, I think the kid in me is finally coming home and feeling comfortable somewhere.  I just typed the word comfortable without cringing.  Things are definitely shifting.

Musings

A few things I've been thinking about lately, and in the style that my brain processes them..

Fear:  I often hear people say that the biggest thing people fear is failure. The "Better to have loved and lost..." is the go-to quote for the failure pep talk.  But I think there are so many other reasons that people fear doing, knowing, and becoming.  There are so many things I want to do and become in my life, and I know that they will make me happier, but I'm scared out of my mind to do them.  Barring a full analysis of my brain patterns, I'll just have to make guesses.  It could be that I fear getting to a point of no return. That I won't be able to claim innocence anymore. I  went caving once, by protest, and the whole time I was thinking that I would go a little further, and I can always turn around whenever I want.  Well, I did pretty good and got pretty far in before I decided I had had enough. When I announced I was going back, my friend told me that I couldn't go back, the only way out was going forward. That was a horrible feeling.  There have been times in my life where I've had similar feelings (less dangerous but still scary). It's weird, I have a feeling that when I open my heart and my mind, the flood gates will open and knowledge, self-discovery, and love will come pouring in.  Sounds wonderful right?  It should be.  It also could be (and I'm sure part of it is) laziness.  I don't have the insight to see the bigger picture, so I'm just always thinking of the present moment and what the present version of me wants in that moment. And everything that's consuming my time and attention are distractions from the real stuff.  I haven't figured out this one yet, but it's interesting.

Self Talk:  I didn't realize until lately that I am a negative person.  I did a little experiment the other day.  I was at the UPS store, waiting for my husband to get done printing something and I was looking around outside. I decided at one point to recall the last three thoughts I had had. I had to think about it for a minute because I wasn't conscious of the thoughts I had been having.  First:  I looked at the grocery store with the Free Flu Shot sign on it and had thought Flu shots are such a scam, all the flu shot does is give people the flu. Second:  I looked at the sign that said "Pharmacy" on it and thought:  The pharmacy:  Sad place, where people who are sick go. Lastly:  I saw the lamp post in the street and thought:  The reason we have street lamps: Because of all the crimes and murders that happen.  Why else would we need to light the road" The last one especially stopped me in my tracks. How sad!  Three things that could very easily be seen as wonderful things! How much does self talk change who you are and how hard you work? A lot.  The days that I decide to be a "product of my circumstances" or feel justified in the way I treat people because of the day I've had, the days I decide that I'm not as smart, pretty, or capable as others, I always get less done and feel worse at the end of the day. I heard a quote in a Ted Talk that was "Fake it until you become it." I'm realizing that people generally don't scrutinize you NEAR as much as you scrutinize yourself, so don't make it a thing!  Try your hardest and be okay with where that puts you at the end of the day, because it may not seem like it day to day, but you'll look back and realize you're so much further along than you were.

Some of my musings from this weekend.  I'd love to hear your thoughts on the subject!

  

If I Could - Harrison

About five years ago, I met a man named Harrison.  Honestly, I think he was a kid trapped in a man’s body.  He loved techno music, went to raves, experimented in a lot of things, and just always seemed to move a mile a minute.  He told me that he never wanted to ever settle down and would always live a fast paced life.  I think what attracted me to Harrison as a person, was that we were very similar. Our lifestyles were different, but our minds seemed to be similar. At that point in my life, I was figuring out who I was. I was trying to move on from a lot of things I had not dealt with, and I was constantly trying to find distractions to help me avoid dealing with them.  

When I met Harrison, he seemed to be in the same boat. We didn’t talk much about the things that mattered, I wish we would have.  But I was able to pick up on a lot from the conversations we did have.  The first night we met, we were sitting in his room and his room was filled with memorabilia from concerts and other things that he liked.  He told me about all of the crazy and exciting things he had done. After a while, he pulled out an acoustic guitar. He started to play the song “If I Could” by Jack Johnson.  His face completely changed, his whole body changed. He played this beautiful song and was so calm and passionate about it.  I thought to myself, if he can suddenly calm his mind and cast away his anxiety to create beauty like that, there was hope for me. After that night, I always thought of that experience when I felt really anxious and felt like I would never be able to enjoy anything because my mind was always racing. 

I still don’t know how to explain the effect that him playing this song had on me.  He was able to connect with people on any level.  We were so different, yet he was able to reach me.  Harrison passed away this weekend.  I wasn’t his best friend, or even a really good friend. But I will always remember this experience and the conversations we had.  Harrison was one of the most deep and thoughtful people I had ever met.  He had an amazing gift of communicating without saying a word.  Thinking of the words of that Jack Johnson song,  “I’ll miss my old friend. And though you’ve got to go, we’ll keep a piece of your soul.”   I hope you know that you greatly affected my life. I would tell you that right now, If only I could.   I’ll always remember you

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nEUG_ilddms

Call Center Stay-Sane Tips

 

Today, I'm starting at a new call center. I worked at one for over a year and I'm having to remember how I kept myself sane.   So, for all of you call center buddies, here is a list of some things to write in your notebook, because that's usually all that is on your desk. Here we go...

1. Plan a vacation- While you're sitting there, plan an awesome vacation. Plan out every single detail down to every dollar needed to save up and what it will go to.  Plan the time, the location, and duration!

2. Write your favorite baby names (I think girls enjoy this more than boys).   Then write the ugliest baby names EVER!

3. Write down every crazy name that you call, that can get really fun! Have your co workers do it too and at the end of the day, share all the ridiculous names!

4.  Keep a tally of all the angry people, weird answering machines, etc you get in a day. It's kind of funny to think about as the day goes on.

5. Write a letter to someone who lives far away, or even someone who doesn't. Let them know you're thinking of them.

6. Plan what you're going to do after work. Go to the gym? Relax and watch a movie?

7. Make a list of all the movies you haven't seen but want to, or a list of the weirdest movies you've ever seen.

8. Make a list of all the places you want to travel in your life

9. Make a budget (I did this and it was really motivating because I was planning where my money would go from work)

10. Make a list of books you want to read.

11. Draw and doodle- that's the best!

12. Write in your notebook as a journal- Just make sure people aren't looking!

13. Bring colored pensils and color the whole page!

14. Make a list of all the things you would change in our country if you were president

15. Make a list of things you want to change about yourself (goals)

16. Write poems, stories, or song lyrics

17. If it's allowed, play hang man with the person next to you

18. Create a game. Write down all the rules and details of the game. When you get home, try it out with some friends. Or try it out on your break!

19. Make a list of new things you can bring to work next time to spice things up.   For example:

                           Wednesday: Bring Jamba Juice-A new flavor I've never tried
                           Friday: Bring a sandwich from the new deli by my house for lunch

20. Make a list of all the people you talk to who have the same names as celebrities.  I got a Robin Williams once!

If you have any other ones, add 'em on! We call center folk have to stick together!
                          

New Years Resolutions

Well, this year I have a whole slew of new years resolutions. This year is going to be my "Get ready year." I'm in the in between stage of my life because I'm married but I don't have any children yet. My goal is to have no regrets or resentments when I have my kids. I want to be as emotionally and physically ready as I can be.  Obviously, you can never be fully ready for kids, but I feel it is important for me to be as ready and educated as I can be.  SO, here are my resolutions...

1. Study up!
      Educate yourself on pregnancy, birth, and afterbirth so that when you're pregnant, you can be a     little more relaxed and confident.

2. Change of plans     
      Be okay when plans change. Don't have too high of expectations for every event and every person.

3.  Get away from TV
     Stop wasting time watching movies and exercise, read a book, or learn something.

4.  No gossiping
     There is a difference between explaining a problem you had, and just gossiping about someone.    Remember how you feel when people talk about you. 

5.  Be more confident
     Know that your opinion, no matter how controversial it is, is just as important as everyone else's. Don't let what people think about you make up who you are. And have the courage to let go of the people who don't care about you and always bring you down. 

6. Go on vacation!
    Go on vacation before you have kids so that you can feel that you did things for you before you had kids. Traveling with kids is ten times harder.

7. Accept it
    Accept what you can't change, and change what you can change. You can only control you and who you become. Accept life how it is and change yourself to be able to get past the bad stuff.

8. Be prepared
    Create a fool proof budget that is both strict but realistic to your life.  Save as much money as you can for your emergency fund, baby fund, and everything else that will come in the future. While you are working a full time job now, save your money to last when you won't be working later.

Feel free to leave your resolutions. It's always good to share and get ideas from each other!

Happy New Year everyone!

How I love Board Games!

Since I got married, I've really enjoyed playing board games. Adam and I like strategic board games.  Some of our favorites are:

Bohnanza-A game where you trade beans and plant fields, but have to be smart in each move.  Pretty addictive.  

Carcassone- A game of building roads, churches and cities.  Another strategic game.

Citadels-A game where you earn money, have character cards with special abilities, and build districts.

If YOU have any fun board games you like to play, leave a comment. And you should all look into those games I mentioned :)