The problem: Over-Generalizing

There was a march in Washington over the weekend and afterwards all of our Facebook feeds were full of opinions from both sides of the argument.  Instead of filling up my friend's Facebook pages even more, I decided to make a blog post about my opinions on the subject.

Honestly, it seemed like this march came out of nowhere to me. I knew feminism was a thing and I know they've always pushed "women equality" (I put in quotes because I don't agree that we are unequal to men).  But all of the sudden all of these women are marching for women's rights and I wasn't sure what the deal was.  Apparently, this was because Trump is now the president of the US and he is a sexist and against abortion.  Well, first off, I watched Trump's debates and what he has said about abortion was that he is pro-life, and will have more people in the supreme court who are pro-life. He also said he will turn the decision for abortion over to the states. You may not agree with these changes (and I'm aware they are very different from what was in place when Obama was the president), but you can't say that Trump is getting rid of abortion, because he is not. He never said anything about that.  I need to say right now that I am in no way a supporter of Trump, but I do feel for him because some of the stuff that he has said (and I've heard what he's said about these major issues) have been blown out of proportion and his words have been twisted around like I have never seen before.   I am not a fan of Trump as a person and don't agree with the comments he has made about specific women (I say specific because he has never said he hates women in general or made crude jokes about women as a whole), but using those specific examples as a way to claim that he hates women and will oppress women is just ridiculous. Watch the actual videos, look up the actual facts and you will see that this is just not true.  Yes, he is kind of a skeet, but he is not taking away women's rights, or even hinted to anything like this. 

Now, moving on to my main issue with these hot button issues we see these days.  I am all about making changes and standing up when something is wrong. But one thing that I hate about how revolts usually go down is that what tends to happen is the minority rises up, stands up to the majority and make demands, kick butt, and take names. But it doesn't just stop there. They keep going and going under everyone who ever disagreed with them are persecuted for disagreeing with them, have these issues shoved down their throats, and end up becoming the minority because if they believe differently then the previous minority, they are looked down on. Then time goes on and the process begins again with the new minority.  I am all about equal rights and making the world a place where everyone has a voice, everyone has rights, and everyone is equal in every way (it's sad that the world isn't like that yet), but I am not at all a fan of special rights. I do not like participation trophies for people who haven't worked hard, I do not like allowing certain groups of people more rights than anyone else, just because they once had it pretty bad.  Equal rights is equal rights.  

What I am a fan of is taking each issue for what it is. I do not like over-generalizing (in any way). The professionals always (ha) tell you that in your marriage to not make definitive accusations of your spouse, for example "You never listen to me", "You always only think about yourself".  The reason they say this is because it's really hurtful to your partner and it's overwhelming to think that you ALWAYS or NEVER do something.  And it's just not true, nobody always does one thing, or never does something else. What's happening is something that happened (maybe more than once) is being blown out of proportion for dramatic effect. This is how I feel about every issue.  Not every woman is oppressed, not every white person is racist, not every black person is a criminal, not every Christian thinks everyone else is going to hell, not every non-religious person is not spiritual or a good person.  Those generalizations get us into trouble and sometimes backtrack our progress as a country because it creates huge divides when there really doesn't need to be.  What happens is that something happens and people think, well, if I don't make this a monumental deal and act like this is how it always is, then nothing will change. I think it's important to stay present and process each situation that we come across for what it is.  I'm not saying we should make light of serious situations, but just take them as they are.  For example, if your friend gets raped, she got raped. It was horrible and traumatizing, and justice should be served. But it gets dangerous when you assume that every man is a potential rapist, that your president (who is a republican) thinks that there is no problem with a woman being raped, because he has made jokes about women in the past.  Just take the situation for what it is and handle it as the issue that it is.  Take the issues for what they are and take action against those specific situations and throughout time, those individual fights will change the world. Yes, i said throughout time, because things do not change overnight, as much as we wish they would.  But really, so many of the changes that need to be made in this country are so deep seeded in people that if they could be changed overnight, it would've happened forever ago. People are very complex and it takes time and wisdom to change. You cannot change other people. Sorry. They change themselves. 

But marches, riots, and all of those things, even though they are noble, are so broad that the actual facts and evidence get lost in all of the hypothetical, rumors, and hearsay that made all of the people jump on board to participate. The outcome would be more effective with actual stories, actual issues and evidence of things that were done wrong so the we can focus on specific things that need to change. As human beings, we like facts, we like to see numbers, and we like to hear plans to fix the issues.  Emotional speeches, and marches/riots against a very broad topic, as noble as they are, don't get through to a lot of people because it's too vague.  Some people see these events as dramatic overreactions to a lot of little things. I'm just saying that's how some people see it. To make a difference, bring up the specific stories, bring up what you'd like to see change, bring up things that are actually revelent (Trump saying perverted things about women is hardly the issue). 

Honestly, I think riots and marches are good for raising attention, but a lot of people don't really understand what the purpose was and never do because the event was so broad.  In my opinion, things will change as a fight each issue individual in the way that it needs to be fought (in court, with the proper authorities, and if this doesn't work, then take it to the people and make them aware) but people respond better to specific situations and are better able to get behind an issue if it is just one (at a time).  I'm sure we all have that friend that just spouts out all of their problems and by the end you're thinking Uhhh....okay, where do we start. But one problem (at a time) is easier to process, understand, and get behind. 

In conclusion, over-generalizing and broad arguments, are both ineffective ways to try to change the world.  I do know that there are things that need to change, that there are definitely problems, but you cannot expect people to change overnight and just because the answer is so clear to you, it is unclear to others.  How often do people fight something that they know is right?  I hope not very often, because that doesn't make sense. People usually fight something because they honestly believe it is right.  At the very least, we need to respect that about each other, that (for the most part), there isn't malice behind the opposing side.  To make effective changes, I think we need to be as specific as possible, as informed as possible, and be as clear as possible in our debates, marches, etc.  That will bring about the changes, and that will help people to understand your concerns. Think about it, in a world of "fake news", rumors, and so much hear-say, we are wired to be suspicious of words that do not have facts to back them up and actual situations to reference.  The funny thing about getting people to change is that you will not do the changing. If you are involved in the change at all, you will simply be the facilitator bringing factual information and reason to the table, in a way that other people can understand.  The hard part is figuring out how other people will understand something, especially because usually it is different from the way you understand things. 

Why the Tiny House?

The American dream is to graduate from high school, go to college, get a good, safe job and buy a house.  That is the way it is supposed to be.  Why, then, are people messing with the status quo and building these mini wanna be houses on wheels?  Well I can't tell  you other people's reasons (although I'm sure a lot of them are similar to mine), but I can tell you what mine are.

First things first, I am not a conventional person in most areas. I don't mind doing what everyone else is doing if it makes sense, but if it doesn't, I'm out. Well, my husband and I's journey to the tiny house decision started when we were living in an apartment and decided we wanted to own a rental property, for the residual income benefit. We looked around at all of the multi unit properties in our area and there was something that wouldn't fit with each of them (there weren't that many).  Somehow, while being a little discouraged about the rental property setback, we landed on the idea of buying a house. I remember all of our reasons: We wouldn't be throwing money away at rent every month, no landlords, we could put picture frames up, etc. It all seemed magical and wonderful at the time.  When we bought the house and moved in, I was expecting to feel like I had accomplished something or that I was living better than before, but that feeling never came. For either of us.

The house we bought was a three bedroom and for a starter house, and for two people, it felt huge.  We never use our upstairs because our bedroom was on the first floor, so we were paying for a three bedroom house when only using 1 bedroom.  I thought I would feel like our money was going to something more than just rent, but I never got that feeling either. The money disappeared from our checking account each month and every time I happened to see the balance on the loan, it was so daunting and wasn't going down at all (side note: In two years we had paid 2,000 on our house...). Now to people whose dream it is to own a house and had it drilled into you since birth that this is what you're destined for, it doesn't seem all that weird that it would take a LONG time for your loan balance to go down, but it just doesn't make sense to me.  I felt like I was starting to see Matrix and once I did, I couldn't go back to my old way of thinking. 

Adam and I had lived in a really, really small apartment when we were trying college out and were there for over a year. It was a tough adjustment at first because we had to get rid of a lot of our stuff and could absolutely not accumulate more stuff.  The living room and kitchen combined were smaller than most people's living room, but we didn't mind it.  We also had dirt cheap rent because of it.  So, with all of that in mind, we started doing research on tiny houses and decided it was definitely the move for us.  Now that you have the backstory, here are my reasons for buying a tiny house:

Minimalist Living
The generation I grew up in are great in a lot of ways, but one of the downsides is that we are a generation of materialistic, instant gratification brats.  I can say that because I myself have those tenancies as well. It wasn't our parents fault, it was growing up in a society that was coming up with some crazy awesome technology that we all got to experience that the older generations did not.  I luckily made it almost all the way through high school without having a cell phone and even then it was a pay as you go phone. I know 12 year old kids that have their own cell phone, stream hulu and Netflix on their tablets, and pretty much  have everything at their fingertips.  Well, I don't want to be one of those people anymore. Not only do I want to not have everything at my fingertips, I want to be more present in my life. I want to think about washing dishes because I have to be aware of the amount of water I'm using. I want to think about the Christmas presents I buy because they somehow have to fit in our house.  I want to sit down and enjoy a good book on a Saturday night instead of feeling like I have to do something fun and new just because I can.  My husband and I decided that for kids' birthdays and Christmas we would buy them a couple of toys but mainly focus on creating experiences for them, like an art class, a trip to the aquarium, etc. Things that aren't things. I remember as a kid, if I didn't have a humungous stack of presents under the tree I was disappointed and I thought, why did Santa give me all these presents last year but not this year. I remember feeling so guilty because I felt greedy about the presents I was receiving. I don't want my kids to ever feel like that. I want them to cherish each and every gift they receive and use them more because there aren't a million more.

Own my home quicker
Don't get me wrong, rent is not something I particularly enjoy paying. It would be nice to be able to just own my own house someday. But that someday be a heck a lot sooner than 30 years when it's just me and my husband and all of our kids are gone.  With a tiny home, you can pay your home off in 10 or even 5 years.  I used to watch  documentaries of tiny house owners and a lot of them would say that they now own their tiny house completely and work a part time job and then come home and have time to do their hobbies and enjoy their friends and family. I loved the idea of that.  And even if you kept working full time after you paid off the house, you're still saving all of that money you would be paying on a mortgage or rent.

Freeing Feeling
The idea of owning a house and feeling like you have to stay there for 30 years or, if you sell, go through the whole process of getting it ready, showing it to people, going through the paperwork, and heaven forbid your house isn't worth what it was when you bought it and you lose money, that all sounds horrible to me. One thing I did get from being a millennial that I am not ashamed of is that I want to feel free. I want to be able to travel and move if it's right for my family and I thrive on new adventures. Someone like me should definitely not have a house that is attached to the ground.  The tiny house on wheels that we are buying will allow us to move if needed and take our lives with us.

It's fun!
I'm not even in the house yet (one more month!) and I'm already thinking of space saving furniture and storage ideas. It's fun to make the most out of what you have and make every space have a purpose, because there's just not a whole lot of room!  It's fun to know that you thought of multiple functions for one piece of furniture or found a way to make something difficult more enjoyable. 

Well, there you have it! Those are my reasons for buying a tiny house. I don't share this because I want everyone to join us, but I do see the benefits and want to share them for people similar to us that are feeling stuck in the American Dream (or on the path to the American Dream).  Tiny houses aren't for everyone, just like regular houses aren't for everyone. But if you are interested, I have some resources and ideas that I am happy to share and would love to hear your story as well. 

Emotional Pitfalls to Avoid

I've been thinking a lot about emotional pit falls lately. The ones I've experienced and the ones I've seen. So here are a few of my Emotional Pitfalls to Avoid


"If you don't [insert favor] you don't love me"
We all have people in our lives that we put up with, like, or even love unconditionally.  Loving someone unconditionally and being loved in return is a wonderful thing. However, loving someone unconditionally does not mean that you will always agree with what they do, or always be willing to help you in whatever situation you find yourself in.   When it gets sticky is when those you love take advantage of your love and make you feel guilty for not doing them a favor, always being around, or constantly bailing them out.  Don't let anyone pick and choose what does and doesn't make you their friend. If they want you, they get all of you! Along with your support, you also get a reality check when you disagree with them. Along with your helping hand, they get an occasional "Sorry, I can't do that".  Put up some emotional boundaries and protect yourself and your relationship so that you are never in a situation where you are sucked dry.  Never let anyone make you feel guilty for saying "That's enough".  There are common courtesies and expectations when you are in a friendship, but sometimes it's good to re-evaluate those expectations, real or imagined, and determine if they are fair, realistic and kind.  Your true friends will want all of you, even if it's hard sometimes!

"I can help you find yourself and set you free" etc
A great friend really knows you and wants the best for you. But being in the business of having someone "save you" gets real ugly, real fast. It may feel nice in the beginning, having someone pay attention to you, notice things you didn't see in yourself, it all seems nice. But we humans are creature of habit.  Someone who gets used to "saving someone",  may find that it becomes a habit to keep acting this way even after you've gotten yourself our of your dark place.  The interesting thing is that when someone is helping you out, the way they talk to you seems like nothing weird. But when you're in a healthier place, you find that they're talking down to you. It's because they have gotten used to treating you that way.  This unhealthy dynamic can have a lot of other ugly effects, one of which includes feeling like if you reach any of your goals or accomplish anything, it's to their credit.  There are some very inspiring people in the world and it's good to have role models, but every single thing that you have accomplished is to your credit. At the end of the day, it's you, yourself and...you ;). Again, put up some boundaries and take responsibility and credit for your accomplishments and growth.  You know you better than anyone, and if you don't, it's cool, figure out who you are and own it!  Don't let someone make you into who they want you to be, you are you!  And for the religion folk, let the higher power you believe in be the one "saving you".  They're the best at it, after all!

"I can't handle you changing, please don't change"
This one will be short and simple.  Everyone has their own life, visions, goals, and travels through this world at a different pace.  You might be flying by and it scares other people. Change can be scary, and that is very real for some people, but don't ever feel bad for living your life and being happy about where your'e at. Everyone sees experiences differently, but if it's your experience, you feel however you want about it!

The classic boy means this, girl means that
We all know that men and women are different biologically and however else. There are phrases you've probably heard once or twice in your life. "You're going to stop working after you have the baby, right?", "You like art? But you're a dude...", "Don't let him play with that baby doll, he's a boy".  This is a much larger conversation, and there are so many ideals that are drilled into us by society our whole lives. But be aware of some of the more damaging phrases that without being noticed, may affect your subconscious and way you see yourself. You know you and it's okay to be a working mom, a female mechanic, a male model, a stay at home dad. In fact, it's awesome! Own who you are and be conscious of these ideals that are still out there (and probably always will be) but aren't always true and tell yourself, that's stupid.

In conclusion, just be aware of some of the pitfalls and figure out how to navigate them, because in life there are a lot of them.  As you become more confident and know who you are, it will get easier and easier to stick up for yourself and know when to say when.  You got this!