I was raised in a very religious household. I went to church every Sunday, served in numerous church callings, and often shared my love for my religion with others. But as many young people do, I had to venture out into the world and develop my own testimony and knowledge of myself, life, and my religion. I ended up taking a path filled with great things such as self-help books, seminars, inspirational music, Ted talks, and more. My bookshelf became full of anxiety hack books, books about understanding yourself and others, personality charts and ways to improve communication. I love learning and so I loved all of my books. I also found a great love for music. Hearing songs with beautiful and breathtaking melodies that are so perfect, reading lyrics that are so inspirational and profound, that was one of my first loves. At different places I've worked I got into different kinds of books. While working for one company I became very interested in financial books and I dug into financial wisdom from the best and brightest, Robert Kiyosaki, Dave Ramsey, etc. I wanted to learn about managing risk and stocks and mutual funds. The next company I worked at I read all about leaders and how to be a great leader and how to understand people who are different from you so that you can be an effective team (I just watched Oblivion). I had learned so much from these books and talks and I am so grateful for them and how they gotten me this far. I've relied on them heavily and made them my go-to for inspiration, knowledge, and wisdom.
In the past I've been wishy washy about where I stand and have had some times when I just wasn't in the mood to be religious, for lack of a better phrase. That was the truth. My weakness was laziness. I knew I believed everything that my religion taught and I knew that I wanted to become like God who sees others as precious children of God and lives to serve others. That, to me, is the perfect religion. But I often fell (and obviously still fall) short of who I needed to be. Some days I didn't go to church and I didn't really think much of it. I sometimes viewed my callings as a hassle and felt like people were too outgoing for me and it just made me uncomfortable. I also felt like I didn't belong in the cookie cutter mold that I saw others fall so perfectly into. So that's where I was. Then something funny happened.
My dad and I went on a walk one day and he asked me how I was doing with the church and how I was feeling. I told him that I had a hard time turning to God for answers, peace, and inspiration unless I've exhausted all of my other options. I told him that I've grown so used to just figuring it out on my own and doing research and finding the answers I need that I don't often think to pray or fast for help. What he said was very interesting. He didn't lecture me about being worldly and materialistic about my books and talks and music. He didn't tell me that to be the person I need to be I need to pick religion and drop that other stuff. He said that it was great that I found something that helped me for so long. There are so many good things in the world that are very good and helpful and created to help us. But the world needs people who have both. The world needs people who are book smart and spiritually wise. Both are important and both will help you to be who you need to be. That really stuck with me. Not long after that I got pregnant with my daughter.
All through my pregnancy I read pregnancy book after pregnancy book, blog posts and youtube videos about how to ease anxiety and how to get through labor and how to prepare for postpartum and how to stay sane when you're home all day with the baby. I listened to my favorite music to calm me and to get me by. Well, I had my baby and everything was great. The labor went fine, I recovered quickly, I went back to work, I was able to breastfeed, things were going all right. Then, around three months after I had my baby, I started exhibiting signs of postpartum OCD. I had intrusive thoughts enter my mind that I couldn't get rid of and they were very troublesome and gave me a lot of anxiety. I was constantly in fear and nervous to be alone. It was an awful feeling. My doctor recommended that we move in with my parents for a couple of weeks until my medication started working for the support. I was embarrassed, ashamed, and felt like a failure or a freak.
I went to see a counselor and spoke with a few doctors, including my primary care doctor and they were very helpful. They gave me very logical and practical tips to deal with the OCD and to manage my anxiety. As I did in most stressful situations, I turned to music, youtube videos, and self help guides to feel better. I found a little bit of comfort but they mostly just made me more anxious. The thoughts wouldn't go away and I didn't know what to do. Desperate, I started to pray and read my scriptures. When I read my scriptures, the thoughts went away, or at least were easily manageable. I felt like I knew myself and I could think clearly as I read. I began to read more and pray more and as I did, I felt comfort and love. I started to read a book about becoming spiritually centered and it has been like a wonderful dessert to me. I've been listening to conference talk after conference talk, devouring every word that is said, even if it doesn't directly pertain to my current predicament.
I'm so interested in the stories in the scriptures and understanding what happened. I'm finding role models and hope from the amazing prophets and apostles who I read about. I'm learning from the book about being spiritually centered to do things out of love for Heavenly Father instead of for my own glory. I thought I knew myself so well and that I could control everything in me, but I've had to humble myself and realize that God knows everything and has a plan for everything, and my plan isn't always his plan. He wants me to go through things that I would never wish upon anyone because they will make me stronger. I am not the reason for my successes or my wisdom or my knowledge. Heavenly Father has placed those things in my life to help me in the way that I needed to be helped at the time, but I had nothing to do with it. I've had to completely trust in Him and have faith that everything will be okay if I keep working and trying to progress. It's a scary feeling sometimes, because when you get to trust yourself so much and think the you can just handle anything, you get thrown curveballs and it rocks your world.
I am so grateful for the opportunity I've been given to see things differently, to see the gospel, and the doctrine, and the teachings as delicious treats that I can devour at any time. I love that there are conference talks on youtube and so many other resources at my fingertips. Those other things will always be important to me, and I do believe they are super helpful in managing life situations and becoming a better person. But, in my recent experience, nothing, NOTHING, has made me feel as loved, as comforted, and as strong as I feel when I'm learning more about the Savior, the church, and the doctrine.
Since I've been doing this, I've started to see others differently. I'm starting to see others who used to overwhelm me with their outgoing-ness as kind and sweet people and I appreciate them more. I'm starting to see my friends and family as my tribe in a way I never have before. My heart is so full from people close to me who have been there for me, listened to me, and cried with me. Everything is changing. I wanted to share this experience specifically for people who are like me. I've been on both sides, I've doubted, I've slacked off, I've sprinted in the opposite direction for years and it turned out okay. But I had no idea, no idea what I was missing.
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