When The Gospel Teachings Became Delicious to Me

I was raised in a very religious household.  I went to church every Sunday, served in numerous church callings, and often shared my love for my religion with others.  But as many young people do, I had to venture out into the world and develop my own testimony and knowledge of myself, life, and my religion.  I ended up taking a path filled with great things such as self-help books, seminars, inspirational music, Ted talks, and more.  My bookshelf became full of anxiety hack books, books about understanding yourself and others, personality charts and ways to improve communication.  I love learning and so I loved all of my books.  I also found a great love for music.  Hearing songs with beautiful and breathtaking melodies that are so perfect, reading lyrics that are so inspirational and profound, that was one of my first loves.  At different places I've worked I got into different kinds of books.  While working for one company I became very interested in financial books and I dug into financial wisdom from the best and brightest, Robert Kiyosaki, Dave Ramsey, etc.  I wanted to learn about managing risk and stocks and mutual funds.  The next company I worked at I read all about leaders and how to be a great leader and how to understand people who are different from you so that you can be an effective team (I just watched Oblivion).  I had learned so much from these books and talks and I am so grateful for them and how they gotten me this far.  I've relied on them heavily and made them my go-to for inspiration, knowledge, and wisdom.

        In the past I've been wishy washy about where I stand and have had some times when I just wasn't in the mood to be religious, for lack of a better phrase.  That was the truth.  My weakness was laziness.  I knew I believed everything that my religion taught and I knew that I wanted to become like God who sees others as precious children of God and lives to serve others.  That, to me, is the perfect religion.  But I often fell (and obviously still fall) short of who I needed to be.  Some days I didn't go to church and I didn't really think much of it.  I sometimes viewed my callings as a hassle and felt like people were too outgoing for me and it just made me uncomfortable.  I also felt like I didn't belong in the cookie cutter mold that I saw others fall so perfectly into.  So that's where I was.  Then something funny happened.

        My dad and I went on a walk one day and he asked me how I was doing with the church and how I was feeling.  I told him that I had a hard time turning to God for answers, peace, and inspiration unless I've exhausted all of my other options.  I told him that I've grown so used to just figuring it out on my own and doing research and finding the answers I need that I don't often think to pray or fast for help.  What he said was very interesting.  He didn't lecture me about being worldly and materialistic about my books and talks and music.  He didn't tell me that to be the person I need to be I need to pick religion and drop that other stuff.  He said that it was great that I found something that helped me for so long.  There are so many good things in the world that are very good and helpful and created to help us.  But the world needs people who have both.  The world needs people who are book smart and spiritually wise.  Both are important and both will help you to be who you need to be.   That really stuck with me.  Not long after that I got pregnant with my daughter.

        All through my pregnancy I read pregnancy book after pregnancy book, blog posts and youtube videos about how to ease anxiety and how to get through labor and how to prepare for postpartum and how to stay sane when you're home all day with the baby.  I listened to my favorite music to calm me and to get me by.  Well, I had my baby and everything was great.   The labor went fine, I recovered quickly, I went back to work, I was able to breastfeed, things were going all right.  Then, around three months after I had my baby, I started exhibiting signs of postpartum OCD.  I had intrusive thoughts enter my mind that I couldn't get rid of and they were very troublesome and gave me a lot of anxiety.  I was constantly in fear and nervous to be alone.  It was an awful feeling.  My doctor recommended that we move in with my parents for a couple of weeks until my medication started working for the support.  I was embarrassed, ashamed, and felt like a failure or a freak.

I went to see a counselor and spoke with a few doctors, including my primary care doctor and they were very helpful.  They gave me very logical and practical tips to deal with the OCD and to manage my anxiety.  As I did in most stressful situations, I turned to music, youtube videos, and self help guides to feel better.  I found a little bit of comfort but they mostly just made me more anxious.  The thoughts wouldn't go away and I didn't know what to do.  Desperate, I started to pray and read my scriptures.  When I read my scriptures, the thoughts went away, or at least were easily manageable.  I felt like I knew myself and I could think clearly as I read.  I began to read more and pray more and as I did, I felt comfort and love.  I started to read a book about becoming spiritually centered and it has been like a wonderful dessert to me.  I've been listening to conference talk after conference talk, devouring every word that is said, even if it doesn't directly pertain to my current predicament.

      I'm so interested in the stories in the scriptures and understanding what happened.  I'm finding role models and hope from the amazing prophets and apostles who I read about.   I'm learning from the book about being spiritually centered to do things out of love for Heavenly Father instead of for my own glory.  I thought I knew myself so well and that I could control everything in me, but I've had to humble myself and realize that God knows everything and has a plan for everything, and my plan isn't always his plan.  He wants me to go through things that I would never wish upon anyone because they will make me stronger.  I am not the reason for my successes or my wisdom or my knowledge.  Heavenly Father has placed those things in my life to help me in the way that I needed to be helped at the time, but I had nothing to do with it.  I've had to completely trust in Him and have faith that everything will be okay if I keep working and trying to progress.  It's a scary feeling sometimes, because when you get to trust yourself so much and think the you can just handle anything, you get thrown curveballs and it rocks your world.

I am so grateful for the opportunity I've been given to see things differently, to see the gospel, and the doctrine, and the teachings as delicious treats that I can devour at any time.  I love that there are conference talks on youtube and so many other resources at my fingertips.  Those other things will always be important to me, and I do believe they are super helpful in managing life situations and becoming a better person.  But, in my recent experience, nothing, NOTHING, has made me feel as loved, as comforted, and as strong as I feel when I'm learning more about the Savior, the church, and the doctrine.

Since I've been doing this, I've started to see others differently.  I'm starting to see others who used to overwhelm me with their outgoing-ness as kind and sweet people and I appreciate them more.  I'm starting to see my friends and family as my tribe in a way I never have before.  My heart is so full from people close to me who have been there for me, listened to me, and cried with me.  Everything is changing.  I wanted to share this experience specifically for people who are like me.  I've been on both sides, I've doubted, I've slacked off, I've sprinted in the opposite direction for years and it turned out okay.  But I had no idea, no idea what I was missing.

Baby Product Likes and Dislikes

Hi friends!  I just recently had my first baby and like any other first time mom, I was a little over zealous about having all the good stuff.  I did tons of research and watched videos of what other people did.  That mentality worked out in my favor in some respects, but I also bought stuff I didn't use or really like.  So I thought I'd share what worked for me and what didn't, in case it helps anyone out there!  Keep in mind this was specific to me and my needs so take it all with a grain of salt.  Let's go!




Likes:

1.  The Summer Infant Soothe and Vibe Portable Soother

               I have to start with my favorite product in my house. The Summer Infant Soothe and Vibe Portable Soother.  This is a sound machine that you can either strap or clip on a crib/bassinet/car seat or basically anything you can hook it to and it plays either white noise, lullabies, rain sounds, or a heartbeat.  It also vibrates.  I got this for my newborn because she has a really hard time getting her gas out and I heard that vibrating beds help to settle their stomachs.  The sound machine didn't work for our baby in that, the vibration actually scared her so we don't use that function.  But she loved the heartbeat and rain sounds when she was trying to sleep.  That gradually changed and now she loves the lullabies and this thing has saved us when we're trying to get her to sleep.  I love that we can take it with us on longer car rides she feels comfortable enough to fall asleep.  I definitely recommend!




2.    Grovia cloth wipes

I love using cloth wipes because I keep them in my warmer so they're nice and warm for baby's bum and save you SO much money!  I have two brands of cloth wipes and this brand is definitely my favorite.  They're soft but are thick so they get everything.





3.   Munchkin Wipe Warmer

I really like this wipe warmer.  It's simple and easy to clean because it opens up and there aren't any extra parts or anything.  It holds a lot of cloth wipes and there is even a little night light on it.






4.   Bambino Mio Diaper Pail

I love this diaper pail because it keeps the smells in and is small and compact so that you can fit it under the sink or something if you're in a small space.  It also can't fit a whole ton of diapers in there so it'll remind you to change it (or in my case with cloth diapers - wash the diapers before they start to smell super bad).




5.  MAM Pacifiers

We got a ton of the gumdrop pacifiers but in our case with our baby, she ended up liking these MAM pacifiers from Walmart way better.  The other ones were just too big for her face and would smoosh her nose.  This may just be a case by case thing though.





6.  Summer Infant Co-Sleeper

We ended up getting this co-sleeper and it has worked very well for us.  Our bed is near the ground so this co sleeper ends up being right about the height of the bed and it works great.  I also like that it's see-through so you can check on baby and it folds up.





7.  Receiving Blankets vs Swaddling Blankets

I know this is blasphemy in the baby world but I really do not like swaddling blankets.  My baby would wriggle right out of them and they would just come unraveled so easily.  I got a receiving blanket from the hospital and someone I know made me one also and I love love love those blankets. The ones I have are actually a little bit thicker than normal receiving blankets and baby loves them because they're warm but not too warm and I love them because as soon as baby is wrapped up in one she goes right to sleep.



8.   Happy Endings and Ecobaby Cloth Diapers

I am trying the cloth diapering thing and I bought used so I have a lot of different brands.  After much research and then buying some and loving them, I definitely recommend these two brands of diapers the most.  They are pretty similar.  I like them because they are sturdy, cute, and they have the double gussets so nothing gets through there.  I've never had a blowout in one of these diapers!






Dislikes

1.  Phillips Avent 3-in-1 Electric Steam Sterilizer

I was really excited about this purchase because I don't have a dishwasher and I thought it would nice to have super clean bottles and blah blah blah, but my excitement was short lived because the bottom of this mechanism that is metal starts to rust after like a week.  You can clean it with vinegar and water but you have to do that every week and I found it ridiculous so I ended up getting rid of it.   Now I just wash my bottles by hand.





2.    Baby Delight Co-Sleeper

I did like that this product folds up so you can carry it if you go out of town.  But when we put baby in this at night, every little move on the bed would make her roll over to the sides so we ended up getting rid of it.  We now have a co-sleeper that folds out on the ground.

Why the Tiny House?

The American dream is to graduate from high school, go to college, get a good, safe job and buy a house.  That is the way it is supposed to be.  Why, then, are people messing with the status quo and building these mini wanna be houses on wheels?  Well I can't tell  you other people's reasons (although I'm sure a lot of them are similar to mine), but I can tell you what mine are.

First things first, I am not a conventional person in most areas. I don't mind doing what everyone else is doing if it makes sense, but if it doesn't, I'm out. Well, my husband and I's journey to the tiny house decision started when we were living in an apartment and decided we wanted to own a rental property, for the residual income benefit. We looked around at all of the multi unit properties in our area and there was something that wouldn't fit with each of them (there weren't that many).  Somehow, while being a little discouraged about the rental property setback, we landed on the idea of buying a house. I remember all of our reasons: We wouldn't be throwing money away at rent every month, no landlords, we could put picture frames up, etc. It all seemed magical and wonderful at the time.  When we bought the house and moved in, I was expecting to feel like I had accomplished something or that I was living better than before, but that feeling never came. For either of us.

The house we bought was a three bedroom and for a starter house, and for two people, it felt huge.  We never use our upstairs because our bedroom was on the first floor, so we were paying for a three bedroom house when only using 1 bedroom.  I thought I would feel like our money was going to something more than just rent, but I never got that feeling either. The money disappeared from our checking account each month and every time I happened to see the balance on the loan, it was so daunting and wasn't going down at all (side note: In two years we had paid 2,000 on our house...). Now to people whose dream it is to own a house and had it drilled into you since birth that this is what you're destined for, it doesn't seem all that weird that it would take a LONG time for your loan balance to go down, but it just doesn't make sense to me.  I felt like I was starting to see Matrix and once I did, I couldn't go back to my old way of thinking. 

Adam and I had lived in a really, really small apartment when we were trying college out and were there for over a year. It was a tough adjustment at first because we had to get rid of a lot of our stuff and could absolutely not accumulate more stuff.  The living room and kitchen combined were smaller than most people's living room, but we didn't mind it.  We also had dirt cheap rent because of it.  So, with all of that in mind, we started doing research on tiny houses and decided it was definitely the move for us.  Now that you have the backstory, here are my reasons for buying a tiny house:

Minimalist Living
The generation I grew up in are great in a lot of ways, but one of the downsides is that we are a generation of materialistic, instant gratification brats.  I can say that because I myself have those tenancies as well. It wasn't our parents fault, it was growing up in a society that was coming up with some crazy awesome technology that we all got to experience that the older generations did not.  I luckily made it almost all the way through high school without having a cell phone and even then it was a pay as you go phone. I know 12 year old kids that have their own cell phone, stream hulu and Netflix on their tablets, and pretty much  have everything at their fingertips.  Well, I don't want to be one of those people anymore. Not only do I want to not have everything at my fingertips, I want to be more present in my life. I want to think about washing dishes because I have to be aware of the amount of water I'm using. I want to think about the Christmas presents I buy because they somehow have to fit in our house.  I want to sit down and enjoy a good book on a Saturday night instead of feeling like I have to do something fun and new just because I can.  My husband and I decided that for kids' birthdays and Christmas we would buy them a couple of toys but mainly focus on creating experiences for them, like an art class, a trip to the aquarium, etc. Things that aren't things. I remember as a kid, if I didn't have a humungous stack of presents under the tree I was disappointed and I thought, why did Santa give me all these presents last year but not this year. I remember feeling so guilty because I felt greedy about the presents I was receiving. I don't want my kids to ever feel like that. I want them to cherish each and every gift they receive and use them more because there aren't a million more.

Own my home quicker
Don't get me wrong, rent is not something I particularly enjoy paying. It would be nice to be able to just own my own house someday. But that someday be a heck a lot sooner than 30 years when it's just me and my husband and all of our kids are gone.  With a tiny home, you can pay your home off in 10 or even 5 years.  I used to watch  documentaries of tiny house owners and a lot of them would say that they now own their tiny house completely and work a part time job and then come home and have time to do their hobbies and enjoy their friends and family. I loved the idea of that.  And even if you kept working full time after you paid off the house, you're still saving all of that money you would be paying on a mortgage or rent.

Freeing Feeling
The idea of owning a house and feeling like you have to stay there for 30 years or, if you sell, go through the whole process of getting it ready, showing it to people, going through the paperwork, and heaven forbid your house isn't worth what it was when you bought it and you lose money, that all sounds horrible to me. One thing I did get from being a millennial that I am not ashamed of is that I want to feel free. I want to be able to travel and move if it's right for my family and I thrive on new adventures. Someone like me should definitely not have a house that is attached to the ground.  The tiny house on wheels that we are buying will allow us to move if needed and take our lives with us.

It's fun!
I'm not even in the house yet (one more month!) and I'm already thinking of space saving furniture and storage ideas. It's fun to make the most out of what you have and make every space have a purpose, because there's just not a whole lot of room!  It's fun to know that you thought of multiple functions for one piece of furniture or found a way to make something difficult more enjoyable. 

Well, there you have it! Those are my reasons for buying a tiny house. I don't share this because I want everyone to join us, but I do see the benefits and want to share them for people similar to us that are feeling stuck in the American Dream (or on the path to the American Dream).  Tiny houses aren't for everyone, just like regular houses aren't for everyone. But if you are interested, I have some resources and ideas that I am happy to share and would love to hear your story as well. 

One Year

One year ago yesterday, my friend passed away.  I wrote a blog post about it and what an awesome  person he was. Today I want to write about what transpired after he passed away, as it was easily one of the biggest stepping stones in my own development as a human being.  Harrison and I were friends, not the best of friends, but friends none the less. Because of this, I knew I would be sad about him passing but I didn't think I would feel the way I ended up feeling.  At first it was just shock, that someone that I knew, who was living and breathing 24 hours ago is not anymore.  Then it was genuine sadness, for his family, for the world.  Then slowly I went into a dark place that I had never been before.  I felt completely hopeless and disconnected from what was going on around me.  It got to a point where I didn't want to be alone because my mind went places it wasn't used to and I felt like I couldn't stop it.  I felt completely powerless.  Well, a few days into this, I came home from work and Adam wasn't home, he had taken the dogs somewhere and I was alone.  I tried to just power through and do what I needed to do around the house, but this heavy, dark cloud wouldn't leave.  I looked outside and it was a beautiful day and there were people walking outside. I thought, I feel like I'm in a different reality, like I'm not even a part of what is happening and everything seems contradictory.  As a desperate attempt to turn off my mind, I turned on some music.  Not the type of music you sit and ponder life to, dancing music.  I remember closing my eyes and making myself dance around the kitchen.  At first it seem to anything, and then I realized I was crying.  There have been often times where I have felt disconnected, to my feelings, to my emotions, to everyone.  But this was such a cool, personal moment that was just mine, and all of me was present, in that moment, not holding anything back.  

So why am I sharing one of my most personal and intimate moments with you? Well, because I firmly believe that if this happened to me,  it may have happened to you, in some degree or another.  Anxiety, depression, all of those fun backpacks we get to carry around sometimes,  make us think welte alone, that it's hopeless, that we can't let people in, or ourselves in.  I've always known that depression was real, but I never really felt it in my life until this day. I've been sad, but never depressed, like this.  But I could imagine what it would be like and it scared me to think of being in such a dark place.  But it happened, and it may again in my lifetime.  But as long as you push back and force yourself to do the perverbial dance that will bring you back to yourself, you'll be okay.  And  even if you don't think you can do that,  your body does, and your heart does.  

Because I knew Harrison, I fel confident saying that he was there that afternoon, that he's helping people come out of their own darkness and face themselves, then start living again.  I bet he's jamming out to some sweet music and has his friends and family on speed dial to help them. I know he was there that day with me. 

Harrison, we were friends, but I think we became better friends that day.  Thanks.  

Home

So, today I was feeling tired.  Tired of always going over all of the things I've never done or started but not finished in my head over and over again.  There are so many other emotions I was feeling today but that was the dominant one.  When I got home from work, I was thinking about how beautiful it was outside and that I should go on a hike.  To save time, instead of listing them all, I'll just say that my mind came up with every possible excuse not to go and to just hang out and "relax".  I put the quotation marks because usually "relaxing" is me trying to relax, but I end up feeling guilty for not doing something productive so it's actually just stressful.  ANYWAY...I finally just got in my car and went.  I've been on this hike before so I was familiar with the trail but this time was different, I was alone.  I brought my emergency bag with me just in case.  Apart from having a couple of people pass me, I was alone the whole time. The hike was hard and I definitely was not in shape, but the view was beautiful.  I was going to bring my Ipod, but I'm so glad that I didn't.  It was just me and the mountain.

Something interesting that I noticed, was that I had to completely trust myself.  If I started to panic at all, I would lose my focus and often times my grip on the trail.  There were a few parts that were scary and the thought entered my mind a few times that if I slipped and something happened, no one would be around.  But I had to quickly get re-direct my mind because that mindset didn't help me at all.  During the scary areas, I kept saying "We got this", instinctively speaking to my mind and body because I knew that they had to work together to keep me safe.  Sometimes my body wanted to just run in an area because it looked safe, and other times it wanted to keep pushing even though it knew I needed a break.  Sometimes my mind would overwhelm me with negative thoughts about what could happen or how this was not a good idea. They had to balance each other out and give each other pep talks, so to speak.

I think the coolest part about my evening was when I was gone. I got in  my car and was so relieved.  The fatigue was definitely part of it, but a large part of my relief came from knowing that I was headed back into Logan and I would be around people.  I missed having someone there to talk to and share stories with. I think I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it, and that I could depend on myself. And I did! And it was great! But I realized when I got in my car and no one was around that just because you CAN do it alone, doesn't mean you should.  I think it's easy to romanticize living the life of a gypsy (as I call it).  The life of popping in and out and disappearing whenever you want, not having roots and not letting anyone really get to know you.  For some, that sounds crazy, but for me and some others, it really sounds great sometimes.  Now I'm getting into what my blog post the other day was about, so you can read that for more about this subject.  But anyway, it's easy to romanticize being alone, but when you're really REALLY alone, it's nothing like what you thought it would be like.  It may sound like I'm being dramatic because people are alone all the time, but are we?  When I'm at home, I'm with Adam or the dogs and I'm on FB or Netflix. When I'm at work or anywhere in public, I'm obviously not alone.  There have only been a couple times in my life when I have felt completely alone, both very powerful experiences for me.  I don't know if that's unusual or not, but in this day and age, I doubt it.

When I drove out of the canyon, the sun was setting and I saw USU and the Island, Smith's Marketplace, and people walking around town.  I was struck with a really powerful feeling that I almost don't want to share because it was so personal, but I will.  I was struck with the feeling that I was home.  Home has always been an hard word for me because I moved to Utah when I was 13 and have never felt like Utah was home.  At the same time, every time I go back to Oregon, I feel out of place.  Like this wasn't my home anymore.  I know "Home" doesn't seem like a big deal it doesn't really matter, but I honestly believe it's at the core of all of our conceptions about what home is and determines when and how each of us puts down roots.  I think that the reason it seems weird is because most people feel that feeling subconsciously.  Well, I was struck with that feeling tonight that Logan was home and I started crying, it was so strong.  To be even sappier, I think the kid in me is finally coming home and feeling comfortable somewhere.  I just typed the word comfortable without cringing.  Things are definitely shifting.

Musings

A few things I've been thinking about lately, and in the style that my brain processes them..

Fear:  I often hear people say that the biggest thing people fear is failure. The "Better to have loved and lost..." is the go-to quote for the failure pep talk.  But I think there are so many other reasons that people fear doing, knowing, and becoming.  There are so many things I want to do and become in my life, and I know that they will make me happier, but I'm scared out of my mind to do them.  Barring a full analysis of my brain patterns, I'll just have to make guesses.  It could be that I fear getting to a point of no return. That I won't be able to claim innocence anymore. I  went caving once, by protest, and the whole time I was thinking that I would go a little further, and I can always turn around whenever I want.  Well, I did pretty good and got pretty far in before I decided I had had enough. When I announced I was going back, my friend told me that I couldn't go back, the only way out was going forward. That was a horrible feeling.  There have been times in my life where I've had similar feelings (less dangerous but still scary). It's weird, I have a feeling that when I open my heart and my mind, the flood gates will open and knowledge, self-discovery, and love will come pouring in.  Sounds wonderful right?  It should be.  It also could be (and I'm sure part of it is) laziness.  I don't have the insight to see the bigger picture, so I'm just always thinking of the present moment and what the present version of me wants in that moment. And everything that's consuming my time and attention are distractions from the real stuff.  I haven't figured out this one yet, but it's interesting.

Self Talk:  I didn't realize until lately that I am a negative person.  I did a little experiment the other day.  I was at the UPS store, waiting for my husband to get done printing something and I was looking around outside. I decided at one point to recall the last three thoughts I had had. I had to think about it for a minute because I wasn't conscious of the thoughts I had been having.  First:  I looked at the grocery store with the Free Flu Shot sign on it and had thought Flu shots are such a scam, all the flu shot does is give people the flu. Second:  I looked at the sign that said "Pharmacy" on it and thought:  The pharmacy:  Sad place, where people who are sick go. Lastly:  I saw the lamp post in the street and thought:  The reason we have street lamps: Because of all the crimes and murders that happen.  Why else would we need to light the road" The last one especially stopped me in my tracks. How sad!  Three things that could very easily be seen as wonderful things! How much does self talk change who you are and how hard you work? A lot.  The days that I decide to be a "product of my circumstances" or feel justified in the way I treat people because of the day I've had, the days I decide that I'm not as smart, pretty, or capable as others, I always get less done and feel worse at the end of the day. I heard a quote in a Ted Talk that was "Fake it until you become it." I'm realizing that people generally don't scrutinize you NEAR as much as you scrutinize yourself, so don't make it a thing!  Try your hardest and be okay with where that puts you at the end of the day, because it may not seem like it day to day, but you'll look back and realize you're so much further along than you were.

Some of my musings from this weekend.  I'd love to hear your thoughts on the subject!

  

If I Could - Harrison

About five years ago, I met a man named Harrison.  Honestly, I think he was a kid trapped in a man’s body.  He loved techno music, went to raves, experimented in a lot of things, and just always seemed to move a mile a minute.  He told me that he never wanted to ever settle down and would always live a fast paced life.  I think what attracted me to Harrison as a person, was that we were very similar. Our lifestyles were different, but our minds seemed to be similar. At that point in my life, I was figuring out who I was. I was trying to move on from a lot of things I had not dealt with, and I was constantly trying to find distractions to help me avoid dealing with them.  

When I met Harrison, he seemed to be in the same boat. We didn’t talk much about the things that mattered, I wish we would have.  But I was able to pick up on a lot from the conversations we did have.  The first night we met, we were sitting in his room and his room was filled with memorabilia from concerts and other things that he liked.  He told me about all of the crazy and exciting things he had done. After a while, he pulled out an acoustic guitar. He started to play the song “If I Could” by Jack Johnson.  His face completely changed, his whole body changed. He played this beautiful song and was so calm and passionate about it.  I thought to myself, if he can suddenly calm his mind and cast away his anxiety to create beauty like that, there was hope for me. After that night, I always thought of that experience when I felt really anxious and felt like I would never be able to enjoy anything because my mind was always racing. 

I still don’t know how to explain the effect that him playing this song had on me.  He was able to connect with people on any level.  We were so different, yet he was able to reach me.  Harrison passed away this weekend.  I wasn’t his best friend, or even a really good friend. But I will always remember this experience and the conversations we had.  Harrison was one of the most deep and thoughtful people I had ever met.  He had an amazing gift of communicating without saying a word.  Thinking of the words of that Jack Johnson song,  “I’ll miss my old friend. And though you’ve got to go, we’ll keep a piece of your soul.”   I hope you know that you greatly affected my life. I would tell you that right now, If only I could.   I’ll always remember you

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nEUG_ilddms