When The Gospel Teachings Became Delicious to Me

I was raised in a very religious household.  I went to church every Sunday, served in numerous church callings, and often shared my love for my religion with others.  But as many young people do, I had to venture out into the world and develop my own testimony and knowledge of myself, life, and my religion.  I ended up taking a path filled with great things such as self-help books, seminars, inspirational music, Ted talks, and more.  My bookshelf became full of anxiety hack books, books about understanding yourself and others, personality charts and ways to improve communication.  I love learning and so I loved all of my books.  I also found a great love for music.  Hearing songs with beautiful and breathtaking melodies that are so perfect, reading lyrics that are so inspirational and profound, that was one of my first loves.  At different places I've worked I got into different kinds of books.  While working for one company I became very interested in financial books and I dug into financial wisdom from the best and brightest, Robert Kiyosaki, Dave Ramsey, etc.  I wanted to learn about managing risk and stocks and mutual funds.  The next company I worked at I read all about leaders and how to be a great leader and how to understand people who are different from you so that you can be an effective team (I just watched Oblivion).  I had learned so much from these books and talks and I am so grateful for them and how they gotten me this far.  I've relied on them heavily and made them my go-to for inspiration, knowledge, and wisdom.

        In the past I've been wishy washy about where I stand and have had some times when I just wasn't in the mood to be religious, for lack of a better phrase.  That was the truth.  My weakness was laziness.  I knew I believed everything that my religion taught and I knew that I wanted to become like God who sees others as precious children of God and lives to serve others.  That, to me, is the perfect religion.  But I often fell (and obviously still fall) short of who I needed to be.  Some days I didn't go to church and I didn't really think much of it.  I sometimes viewed my callings as a hassle and felt like people were too outgoing for me and it just made me uncomfortable.  I also felt like I didn't belong in the cookie cutter mold that I saw others fall so perfectly into.  So that's where I was.  Then something funny happened.

        My dad and I went on a walk one day and he asked me how I was doing with the church and how I was feeling.  I told him that I had a hard time turning to God for answers, peace, and inspiration unless I've exhausted all of my other options.  I told him that I've grown so used to just figuring it out on my own and doing research and finding the answers I need that I don't often think to pray or fast for help.  What he said was very interesting.  He didn't lecture me about being worldly and materialistic about my books and talks and music.  He didn't tell me that to be the person I need to be I need to pick religion and drop that other stuff.  He said that it was great that I found something that helped me for so long.  There are so many good things in the world that are very good and helpful and created to help us.  But the world needs people who have both.  The world needs people who are book smart and spiritually wise.  Both are important and both will help you to be who you need to be.   That really stuck with me.  Not long after that I got pregnant with my daughter.

        All through my pregnancy I read pregnancy book after pregnancy book, blog posts and youtube videos about how to ease anxiety and how to get through labor and how to prepare for postpartum and how to stay sane when you're home all day with the baby.  I listened to my favorite music to calm me and to get me by.  Well, I had my baby and everything was great.   The labor went fine, I recovered quickly, I went back to work, I was able to breastfeed, things were going all right.  Then, around three months after I had my baby, I started exhibiting signs of postpartum OCD.  I had intrusive thoughts enter my mind that I couldn't get rid of and they were very troublesome and gave me a lot of anxiety.  I was constantly in fear and nervous to be alone.  It was an awful feeling.  My doctor recommended that we move in with my parents for a couple of weeks until my medication started working for the support.  I was embarrassed, ashamed, and felt like a failure or a freak.

I went to see a counselor and spoke with a few doctors, including my primary care doctor and they were very helpful.  They gave me very logical and practical tips to deal with the OCD and to manage my anxiety.  As I did in most stressful situations, I turned to music, youtube videos, and self help guides to feel better.  I found a little bit of comfort but they mostly just made me more anxious.  The thoughts wouldn't go away and I didn't know what to do.  Desperate, I started to pray and read my scriptures.  When I read my scriptures, the thoughts went away, or at least were easily manageable.  I felt like I knew myself and I could think clearly as I read.  I began to read more and pray more and as I did, I felt comfort and love.  I started to read a book about becoming spiritually centered and it has been like a wonderful dessert to me.  I've been listening to conference talk after conference talk, devouring every word that is said, even if it doesn't directly pertain to my current predicament.

      I'm so interested in the stories in the scriptures and understanding what happened.  I'm finding role models and hope from the amazing prophets and apostles who I read about.   I'm learning from the book about being spiritually centered to do things out of love for Heavenly Father instead of for my own glory.  I thought I knew myself so well and that I could control everything in me, but I've had to humble myself and realize that God knows everything and has a plan for everything, and my plan isn't always his plan.  He wants me to go through things that I would never wish upon anyone because they will make me stronger.  I am not the reason for my successes or my wisdom or my knowledge.  Heavenly Father has placed those things in my life to help me in the way that I needed to be helped at the time, but I had nothing to do with it.  I've had to completely trust in Him and have faith that everything will be okay if I keep working and trying to progress.  It's a scary feeling sometimes, because when you get to trust yourself so much and think the you can just handle anything, you get thrown curveballs and it rocks your world.

I am so grateful for the opportunity I've been given to see things differently, to see the gospel, and the doctrine, and the teachings as delicious treats that I can devour at any time.  I love that there are conference talks on youtube and so many other resources at my fingertips.  Those other things will always be important to me, and I do believe they are super helpful in managing life situations and becoming a better person.  But, in my recent experience, nothing, NOTHING, has made me feel as loved, as comforted, and as strong as I feel when I'm learning more about the Savior, the church, and the doctrine.

Since I've been doing this, I've started to see others differently.  I'm starting to see others who used to overwhelm me with their outgoing-ness as kind and sweet people and I appreciate them more.  I'm starting to see my friends and family as my tribe in a way I never have before.  My heart is so full from people close to me who have been there for me, listened to me, and cried with me.  Everything is changing.  I wanted to share this experience specifically for people who are like me.  I've been on both sides, I've doubted, I've slacked off, I've sprinted in the opposite direction for years and it turned out okay.  But I had no idea, no idea what I was missing.

Baby Product Likes and Dislikes

Hi friends!  I just recently had my first baby and like any other first time mom, I was a little over zealous about having all the good stuff.  I did tons of research and watched videos of what other people did.  That mentality worked out in my favor in some respects, but I also bought stuff I didn't use or really like.  So I thought I'd share what worked for me and what didn't, in case it helps anyone out there!  Keep in mind this was specific to me and my needs so take it all with a grain of salt.  Let's go!




Likes:

1.  The Summer Infant Soothe and Vibe Portable Soother

               I have to start with my favorite product in my house. The Summer Infant Soothe and Vibe Portable Soother.  This is a sound machine that you can either strap or clip on a crib/bassinet/car seat or basically anything you can hook it to and it plays either white noise, lullabies, rain sounds, or a heartbeat.  It also vibrates.  I got this for my newborn because she has a really hard time getting her gas out and I heard that vibrating beds help to settle their stomachs.  The sound machine didn't work for our baby in that, the vibration actually scared her so we don't use that function.  But she loved the heartbeat and rain sounds when she was trying to sleep.  That gradually changed and now she loves the lullabies and this thing has saved us when we're trying to get her to sleep.  I love that we can take it with us on longer car rides she feels comfortable enough to fall asleep.  I definitely recommend!




2.    Grovia cloth wipes

I love using cloth wipes because I keep them in my warmer so they're nice and warm for baby's bum and save you SO much money!  I have two brands of cloth wipes and this brand is definitely my favorite.  They're soft but are thick so they get everything.





3.   Munchkin Wipe Warmer

I really like this wipe warmer.  It's simple and easy to clean because it opens up and there aren't any extra parts or anything.  It holds a lot of cloth wipes and there is even a little night light on it.






4.   Bambino Mio Diaper Pail

I love this diaper pail because it keeps the smells in and is small and compact so that you can fit it under the sink or something if you're in a small space.  It also can't fit a whole ton of diapers in there so it'll remind you to change it (or in my case with cloth diapers - wash the diapers before they start to smell super bad).




5.  MAM Pacifiers

We got a ton of the gumdrop pacifiers but in our case with our baby, she ended up liking these MAM pacifiers from Walmart way better.  The other ones were just too big for her face and would smoosh her nose.  This may just be a case by case thing though.





6.  Summer Infant Co-Sleeper

We ended up getting this co-sleeper and it has worked very well for us.  Our bed is near the ground so this co sleeper ends up being right about the height of the bed and it works great.  I also like that it's see-through so you can check on baby and it folds up.





7.  Receiving Blankets vs Swaddling Blankets

I know this is blasphemy in the baby world but I really do not like swaddling blankets.  My baby would wriggle right out of them and they would just come unraveled so easily.  I got a receiving blanket from the hospital and someone I know made me one also and I love love love those blankets. The ones I have are actually a little bit thicker than normal receiving blankets and baby loves them because they're warm but not too warm and I love them because as soon as baby is wrapped up in one she goes right to sleep.



8.   Happy Endings and Ecobaby Cloth Diapers

I am trying the cloth diapering thing and I bought used so I have a lot of different brands.  After much research and then buying some and loving them, I definitely recommend these two brands of diapers the most.  They are pretty similar.  I like them because they are sturdy, cute, and they have the double gussets so nothing gets through there.  I've never had a blowout in one of these diapers!






Dislikes

1.  Phillips Avent 3-in-1 Electric Steam Sterilizer

I was really excited about this purchase because I don't have a dishwasher and I thought it would nice to have super clean bottles and blah blah blah, but my excitement was short lived because the bottom of this mechanism that is metal starts to rust after like a week.  You can clean it with vinegar and water but you have to do that every week and I found it ridiculous so I ended up getting rid of it.   Now I just wash my bottles by hand.





2.    Baby Delight Co-Sleeper

I did like that this product folds up so you can carry it if you go out of town.  But when we put baby in this at night, every little move on the bed would make her roll over to the sides so we ended up getting rid of it.  We now have a co-sleeper that folds out on the ground.

The problem: Over-Generalizing

There was a march in Washington over the weekend and afterwards all of our Facebook feeds were full of opinions from both sides of the argument.  Instead of filling up my friend's Facebook pages even more, I decided to make a blog post about my opinions on the subject.

Honestly, it seemed like this march came out of nowhere to me. I knew feminism was a thing and I know they've always pushed "women equality" (I put in quotes because I don't agree that we are unequal to men).  But all of the sudden all of these women are marching for women's rights and I wasn't sure what the deal was.  Apparently, this was because Trump is now the president of the US and he is a sexist and against abortion.  Well, first off, I watched Trump's debates and what he has said about abortion was that he is pro-life, and will have more people in the supreme court who are pro-life. He also said he will turn the decision for abortion over to the states. You may not agree with these changes (and I'm aware they are very different from what was in place when Obama was the president), but you can't say that Trump is getting rid of abortion, because he is not. He never said anything about that.  I need to say right now that I am in no way a supporter of Trump, but I do feel for him because some of the stuff that he has said (and I've heard what he's said about these major issues) have been blown out of proportion and his words have been twisted around like I have never seen before.   I am not a fan of Trump as a person and don't agree with the comments he has made about specific women (I say specific because he has never said he hates women in general or made crude jokes about women as a whole), but using those specific examples as a way to claim that he hates women and will oppress women is just ridiculous. Watch the actual videos, look up the actual facts and you will see that this is just not true.  Yes, he is kind of a skeet, but he is not taking away women's rights, or even hinted to anything like this. 

Now, moving on to my main issue with these hot button issues we see these days.  I am all about making changes and standing up when something is wrong. But one thing that I hate about how revolts usually go down is that what tends to happen is the minority rises up, stands up to the majority and make demands, kick butt, and take names. But it doesn't just stop there. They keep going and going under everyone who ever disagreed with them are persecuted for disagreeing with them, have these issues shoved down their throats, and end up becoming the minority because if they believe differently then the previous minority, they are looked down on. Then time goes on and the process begins again with the new minority.  I am all about equal rights and making the world a place where everyone has a voice, everyone has rights, and everyone is equal in every way (it's sad that the world isn't like that yet), but I am not at all a fan of special rights. I do not like participation trophies for people who haven't worked hard, I do not like allowing certain groups of people more rights than anyone else, just because they once had it pretty bad.  Equal rights is equal rights.  

What I am a fan of is taking each issue for what it is. I do not like over-generalizing (in any way). The professionals always (ha) tell you that in your marriage to not make definitive accusations of your spouse, for example "You never listen to me", "You always only think about yourself".  The reason they say this is because it's really hurtful to your partner and it's overwhelming to think that you ALWAYS or NEVER do something.  And it's just not true, nobody always does one thing, or never does something else. What's happening is something that happened (maybe more than once) is being blown out of proportion for dramatic effect. This is how I feel about every issue.  Not every woman is oppressed, not every white person is racist, not every black person is a criminal, not every Christian thinks everyone else is going to hell, not every non-religious person is not spiritual or a good person.  Those generalizations get us into trouble and sometimes backtrack our progress as a country because it creates huge divides when there really doesn't need to be.  What happens is that something happens and people think, well, if I don't make this a monumental deal and act like this is how it always is, then nothing will change. I think it's important to stay present and process each situation that we come across for what it is.  I'm not saying we should make light of serious situations, but just take them as they are.  For example, if your friend gets raped, she got raped. It was horrible and traumatizing, and justice should be served. But it gets dangerous when you assume that every man is a potential rapist, that your president (who is a republican) thinks that there is no problem with a woman being raped, because he has made jokes about women in the past.  Just take the situation for what it is and handle it as the issue that it is.  Take the issues for what they are and take action against those specific situations and throughout time, those individual fights will change the world. Yes, i said throughout time, because things do not change overnight, as much as we wish they would.  But really, so many of the changes that need to be made in this country are so deep seeded in people that if they could be changed overnight, it would've happened forever ago. People are very complex and it takes time and wisdom to change. You cannot change other people. Sorry. They change themselves. 

But marches, riots, and all of those things, even though they are noble, are so broad that the actual facts and evidence get lost in all of the hypothetical, rumors, and hearsay that made all of the people jump on board to participate. The outcome would be more effective with actual stories, actual issues and evidence of things that were done wrong so the we can focus on specific things that need to change. As human beings, we like facts, we like to see numbers, and we like to hear plans to fix the issues.  Emotional speeches, and marches/riots against a very broad topic, as noble as they are, don't get through to a lot of people because it's too vague.  Some people see these events as dramatic overreactions to a lot of little things. I'm just saying that's how some people see it. To make a difference, bring up the specific stories, bring up what you'd like to see change, bring up things that are actually revelent (Trump saying perverted things about women is hardly the issue). 

Honestly, I think riots and marches are good for raising attention, but a lot of people don't really understand what the purpose was and never do because the event was so broad.  In my opinion, things will change as a fight each issue individual in the way that it needs to be fought (in court, with the proper authorities, and if this doesn't work, then take it to the people and make them aware) but people respond better to specific situations and are better able to get behind an issue if it is just one (at a time).  I'm sure we all have that friend that just spouts out all of their problems and by the end you're thinking Uhhh....okay, where do we start. But one problem (at a time) is easier to process, understand, and get behind. 

In conclusion, over-generalizing and broad arguments, are both ineffective ways to try to change the world.  I do know that there are things that need to change, that there are definitely problems, but you cannot expect people to change overnight and just because the answer is so clear to you, it is unclear to others.  How often do people fight something that they know is right?  I hope not very often, because that doesn't make sense. People usually fight something because they honestly believe it is right.  At the very least, we need to respect that about each other, that (for the most part), there isn't malice behind the opposing side.  To make effective changes, I think we need to be as specific as possible, as informed as possible, and be as clear as possible in our debates, marches, etc.  That will bring about the changes, and that will help people to understand your concerns. Think about it, in a world of "fake news", rumors, and so much hear-say, we are wired to be suspicious of words that do not have facts to back them up and actual situations to reference.  The funny thing about getting people to change is that you will not do the changing. If you are involved in the change at all, you will simply be the facilitator bringing factual information and reason to the table, in a way that other people can understand.  The hard part is figuring out how other people will understand something, especially because usually it is different from the way you understand things. 

Why the Tiny House?

The American dream is to graduate from high school, go to college, get a good, safe job and buy a house.  That is the way it is supposed to be.  Why, then, are people messing with the status quo and building these mini wanna be houses on wheels?  Well I can't tell  you other people's reasons (although I'm sure a lot of them are similar to mine), but I can tell you what mine are.

First things first, I am not a conventional person in most areas. I don't mind doing what everyone else is doing if it makes sense, but if it doesn't, I'm out. Well, my husband and I's journey to the tiny house decision started when we were living in an apartment and decided we wanted to own a rental property, for the residual income benefit. We looked around at all of the multi unit properties in our area and there was something that wouldn't fit with each of them (there weren't that many).  Somehow, while being a little discouraged about the rental property setback, we landed on the idea of buying a house. I remember all of our reasons: We wouldn't be throwing money away at rent every month, no landlords, we could put picture frames up, etc. It all seemed magical and wonderful at the time.  When we bought the house and moved in, I was expecting to feel like I had accomplished something or that I was living better than before, but that feeling never came. For either of us.

The house we bought was a three bedroom and for a starter house, and for two people, it felt huge.  We never use our upstairs because our bedroom was on the first floor, so we were paying for a three bedroom house when only using 1 bedroom.  I thought I would feel like our money was going to something more than just rent, but I never got that feeling either. The money disappeared from our checking account each month and every time I happened to see the balance on the loan, it was so daunting and wasn't going down at all (side note: In two years we had paid 2,000 on our house...). Now to people whose dream it is to own a house and had it drilled into you since birth that this is what you're destined for, it doesn't seem all that weird that it would take a LONG time for your loan balance to go down, but it just doesn't make sense to me.  I felt like I was starting to see Matrix and once I did, I couldn't go back to my old way of thinking. 

Adam and I had lived in a really, really small apartment when we were trying college out and were there for over a year. It was a tough adjustment at first because we had to get rid of a lot of our stuff and could absolutely not accumulate more stuff.  The living room and kitchen combined were smaller than most people's living room, but we didn't mind it.  We also had dirt cheap rent because of it.  So, with all of that in mind, we started doing research on tiny houses and decided it was definitely the move for us.  Now that you have the backstory, here are my reasons for buying a tiny house:

Minimalist Living
The generation I grew up in are great in a lot of ways, but one of the downsides is that we are a generation of materialistic, instant gratification brats.  I can say that because I myself have those tenancies as well. It wasn't our parents fault, it was growing up in a society that was coming up with some crazy awesome technology that we all got to experience that the older generations did not.  I luckily made it almost all the way through high school without having a cell phone and even then it was a pay as you go phone. I know 12 year old kids that have their own cell phone, stream hulu and Netflix on their tablets, and pretty much  have everything at their fingertips.  Well, I don't want to be one of those people anymore. Not only do I want to not have everything at my fingertips, I want to be more present in my life. I want to think about washing dishes because I have to be aware of the amount of water I'm using. I want to think about the Christmas presents I buy because they somehow have to fit in our house.  I want to sit down and enjoy a good book on a Saturday night instead of feeling like I have to do something fun and new just because I can.  My husband and I decided that for kids' birthdays and Christmas we would buy them a couple of toys but mainly focus on creating experiences for them, like an art class, a trip to the aquarium, etc. Things that aren't things. I remember as a kid, if I didn't have a humungous stack of presents under the tree I was disappointed and I thought, why did Santa give me all these presents last year but not this year. I remember feeling so guilty because I felt greedy about the presents I was receiving. I don't want my kids to ever feel like that. I want them to cherish each and every gift they receive and use them more because there aren't a million more.

Own my home quicker
Don't get me wrong, rent is not something I particularly enjoy paying. It would be nice to be able to just own my own house someday. But that someday be a heck a lot sooner than 30 years when it's just me and my husband and all of our kids are gone.  With a tiny home, you can pay your home off in 10 or even 5 years.  I used to watch  documentaries of tiny house owners and a lot of them would say that they now own their tiny house completely and work a part time job and then come home and have time to do their hobbies and enjoy their friends and family. I loved the idea of that.  And even if you kept working full time after you paid off the house, you're still saving all of that money you would be paying on a mortgage or rent.

Freeing Feeling
The idea of owning a house and feeling like you have to stay there for 30 years or, if you sell, go through the whole process of getting it ready, showing it to people, going through the paperwork, and heaven forbid your house isn't worth what it was when you bought it and you lose money, that all sounds horrible to me. One thing I did get from being a millennial that I am not ashamed of is that I want to feel free. I want to be able to travel and move if it's right for my family and I thrive on new adventures. Someone like me should definitely not have a house that is attached to the ground.  The tiny house on wheels that we are buying will allow us to move if needed and take our lives with us.

It's fun!
I'm not even in the house yet (one more month!) and I'm already thinking of space saving furniture and storage ideas. It's fun to make the most out of what you have and make every space have a purpose, because there's just not a whole lot of room!  It's fun to know that you thought of multiple functions for one piece of furniture or found a way to make something difficult more enjoyable. 

Well, there you have it! Those are my reasons for buying a tiny house. I don't share this because I want everyone to join us, but I do see the benefits and want to share them for people similar to us that are feeling stuck in the American Dream (or on the path to the American Dream).  Tiny houses aren't for everyone, just like regular houses aren't for everyone. But if you are interested, I have some resources and ideas that I am happy to share and would love to hear your story as well. 

Emotional Pitfalls to Avoid

I've been thinking a lot about emotional pit falls lately. The ones I've experienced and the ones I've seen. So here are a few of my Emotional Pitfalls to Avoid


"If you don't [insert favor] you don't love me"
We all have people in our lives that we put up with, like, or even love unconditionally.  Loving someone unconditionally and being loved in return is a wonderful thing. However, loving someone unconditionally does not mean that you will always agree with what they do, or always be willing to help you in whatever situation you find yourself in.   When it gets sticky is when those you love take advantage of your love and make you feel guilty for not doing them a favor, always being around, or constantly bailing them out.  Don't let anyone pick and choose what does and doesn't make you their friend. If they want you, they get all of you! Along with your support, you also get a reality check when you disagree with them. Along with your helping hand, they get an occasional "Sorry, I can't do that".  Put up some emotional boundaries and protect yourself and your relationship so that you are never in a situation where you are sucked dry.  Never let anyone make you feel guilty for saying "That's enough".  There are common courtesies and expectations when you are in a friendship, but sometimes it's good to re-evaluate those expectations, real or imagined, and determine if they are fair, realistic and kind.  Your true friends will want all of you, even if it's hard sometimes!

"I can help you find yourself and set you free" etc
A great friend really knows you and wants the best for you. But being in the business of having someone "save you" gets real ugly, real fast. It may feel nice in the beginning, having someone pay attention to you, notice things you didn't see in yourself, it all seems nice. But we humans are creature of habit.  Someone who gets used to "saving someone",  may find that it becomes a habit to keep acting this way even after you've gotten yourself our of your dark place.  The interesting thing is that when someone is helping you out, the way they talk to you seems like nothing weird. But when you're in a healthier place, you find that they're talking down to you. It's because they have gotten used to treating you that way.  This unhealthy dynamic can have a lot of other ugly effects, one of which includes feeling like if you reach any of your goals or accomplish anything, it's to their credit.  There are some very inspiring people in the world and it's good to have role models, but every single thing that you have accomplished is to your credit. At the end of the day, it's you, yourself and...you ;). Again, put up some boundaries and take responsibility and credit for your accomplishments and growth.  You know you better than anyone, and if you don't, it's cool, figure out who you are and own it!  Don't let someone make you into who they want you to be, you are you!  And for the religion folk, let the higher power you believe in be the one "saving you".  They're the best at it, after all!

"I can't handle you changing, please don't change"
This one will be short and simple.  Everyone has their own life, visions, goals, and travels through this world at a different pace.  You might be flying by and it scares other people. Change can be scary, and that is very real for some people, but don't ever feel bad for living your life and being happy about where your'e at. Everyone sees experiences differently, but if it's your experience, you feel however you want about it!

The classic boy means this, girl means that
We all know that men and women are different biologically and however else. There are phrases you've probably heard once or twice in your life. "You're going to stop working after you have the baby, right?", "You like art? But you're a dude...", "Don't let him play with that baby doll, he's a boy".  This is a much larger conversation, and there are so many ideals that are drilled into us by society our whole lives. But be aware of some of the more damaging phrases that without being noticed, may affect your subconscious and way you see yourself. You know you and it's okay to be a working mom, a female mechanic, a male model, a stay at home dad. In fact, it's awesome! Own who you are and be conscious of these ideals that are still out there (and probably always will be) but aren't always true and tell yourself, that's stupid.

In conclusion, just be aware of some of the pitfalls and figure out how to navigate them, because in life there are a lot of them.  As you become more confident and know who you are, it will get easier and easier to stick up for yourself and know when to say when.  You got this!

The Rabbit Hole

I didn't think I'd write this. I don't really even know how to enunciate what it is I'm trying to say, it's just a bunch of thoughts in my mind that have been there for a long time. I've always been an unfailing optimist. I've had my downs, sure, but I always wake up with a new determination and a new hope for some dream that has always been there, waiting for me. If I knew what that dream was, I wonder if I'd go after it, or if I don't know what it is yet on purpose, because I'm not ready for it yet. Maybe it will unveil itself in its own time, when I have the clarity to reach out and take it.

I've been re-watching my favorite TV show, One Tree Hill lately and a flood of emotions came rushing over me as I watched the character I identified with most go through a similar experience. This show was such an important part of my life, in such a hard time in my life. I fell in love with the quotes, with the characters, and with the music. Some of my favorite songs came from that show and inevitably some of my favorite moments occurred listening to those songs. I've always had a very personal, indescribable relationship with music. I watch in the show as Peyton starts a record label, and lives her dream of creating and promoting music and I watch documentaries about record label owners and A&R reps and I'm seized with this incredible jealousy and urgent longing to be a part of that world.

So what is stopping me from pursuing this dream?  Fear.  Not of the work, or the possible lack of money, or the stress, but of losing this perfect love that I have for music.  I am very idealistic and I am so afraid that the lyrics that make me cry and the music that finds me wherever I am will be tarnished.  I know that in life, having high expectations always brings disappointment because crap happens and people aren't perfect.  But in a world with so many disappointments and things that don't live up to your dream of them, how often can someone say they hold something that is perfect, unchanging, and untarnishable?  What a rare find, what a gem, why ruin that?

I remember going to warped tour and seeing a band that I liked in high school, not one of my favorites, but they had a couple of songs that were special to me. I was so excited and while I watched them set up, I entered this other place where it was me and them and no one else was there. My favorite part of a concert, is that every person there opens up their heart for a little while and lets the performer into their world. I have felt that at every concert I've been to.  Every time, my heart opens and lets some music in and silently tells the world of my secret desires.  But it's there and other there that this can happen, because everyone else is doing the same thing. It's an unspoken agreement between me, the band, and everyone else there that everything that is spoken is okay, and that what is spoken is spoken through music, and cannot be spoken in words, or all would be lost.  So when this band came out and were slobbering drunk and were blabbering about stupid things, then started playing their music half-assed, my heart broke a little bit. And this wasn't even one of my favorite bands.  Imagine if it were. The lyrics and the music that I imagine means so much to the person who wrote it, don't mean as much as I thought.

Imagine you have a favorite song, and everything about it makes you shiver because it's so perfect in every way.  It's not just the lyrics, it's not just the music, it's the feeling, it's the inflection, the meaning.  You idolize this song for years, it helps you through some really tough times. Then you go to a concert and hear this song live. You meet the singer who wrote this wonderful song and you're barely holding it together.  Well, when you meet the singer, he's a jerk. He's slobbering drunk, he's yelling at everyone, and when you ask what inspired the song, he said he was drunk when he wrote it and was thinking about the Brady Bunch. This perfect thing is ruined.  One more perfect thing is ruined.

Well, I would love to work in the music industry, I would be in heaven, I would never think of it as work and I would work 12 hour days, but I don't know if I'm ready to give up the one perfect thing that I have.  I wonder what other people do. I wonder if this is how people feel when they begin working in the music industry and I wonder if they would go back and change their minds if they could, because they lost that wonder that music brought into their lives.  But I also wonder if this rabbit hole of uncertainty is much like the rabbit hole in Alice in Wonderland (which is my favorite Disney movie), there are scary things, but there are also wonderful things that you'd never experience had you not been curious enough to venture out of the safe, untarnishable world you live in. It's scary, I don't know if I'm ready, but I hope that I gain the clarity to know which will bring me more happiness; holding something perfect, or being apart of something imperfect, but incredible.  I have to hope that there is wonder and beauty in the music industry, and not just politics, money, sex, and partying. There just has to be, because those songs couldn't be written without it.   Maybe someday I'll be a part of it, and not just a spectator.  

What are your dreams? What is standing in your way? Maybe we can help each other.